Birthday Mishap - Yikes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Birthday Mishap - Yikes!
15
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 12:22pm

oh boy, where to start.


So yesterday was DH's 39 birthday.

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Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 12:34pm

I would be as puzzled as you are.


If he said he didn't want anything, you were fair to take that at face value and not get him a gift.


I hope he'll buy the yoga pants and that the two of you can move on from this.


Lesson learned: hints don't work. If you want a gift from someone, you need to be clear on the expectation. It's not fair to get upset after the fact.


JMHO


RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 12:58pm

Hi RoseAnn,


I think we had a miscommunication.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 1:48pm

You know, honey, you can still be happily married, and fight. I'm so sorry this happened, although, I agree that I would be just as stumped as you. I don't ever buy my Husband pants. I buy him shirts, well, once i got him pj pants, but it's hard to buy something like that for someone else, even your Husband.

If you are shopping for yourself, because your going on a cruise, that's different than your just out shopping for no reason.? When someone says don't get me anything, it means just that, especially in a marriage. You can't play games like that in a marriage. I mean, my Husband and I have Birthday's on November 24, and 26 (he's 3 years older). We will decide, hey, let's not do Birthday's this year, and save the money. Sometimes we don't even go out to eat! You took him to his favorite restaurant!

Personally I think he is acting like a baby. You should not feel doomed at all. You should talk to him and say something along the lines of, "You, know, we're married, and have been, for x time, you need to be strait with me and honest with me, we don't need to play games". Something along those lines, you know? If your a newlywed, say we've been together for x time. This whole thing is just silly, and I am so sorry you feel this way.

I know that feeling of sadness, and sinking feeling in your tummy. It sucks. Your gonna have to ride it out, but he's acting like a baby. In my opinion. You said he made some good points in his email, was there anything else? Because it sounds like he said some other things, and you can share, and we are all here for you

If this is all about the Birthday thing, you need to tell him to drop it. You need to talk to him about what is worth fighting over. You obviously care, you took him to his favorite restaurant. You got him a huge card. It's not like you ignored his day. He needs to grow up. All this over some yoga pants, please. Some yoga pants he never said he wanted. He said he didn't want anything. Dropping hints is something that you do when you first start dating, and you don't know how to tell someone what you want, because things are so new. You guys are married! No more games. Don't let him make you feel bad about this. Really, think about it. When I read this, I felt so bad for you. Don't let him do this. Call him out. That's my advice.

Good Luck, and Don't be Sad! :)

* Robyn *

p
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Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 2:33pm

ITA with Robyn! (We are definitely in each other's heads sometimes. ;) )


You shouldn't have to play games with your DH unless you are both enjoying that kind of interaction. In this case, you definitely aren't so you need to make it clear to DH that it needs to stop.


You aren't a mind reader. How were you supposed to know that his saying "Don't get me anything for my birthday" really meant "I want these particular yoga pants plus other things I might enjoy". That's just a confusing message!


As for the cruise shopping, DH and I either shop together or shop for ourselves alone. We rarely buy each other clothing as gifts. We both learned early on that it's much better to have the other review and try on items of clothing prior to purchase.


I also don't think you should feel doomed about your marriage in general, unless there are other issues going on that you haven't told us about. No marriage is realistically happy 100% of the time. The key is to find a way to minimize the hurtful behaviors and unproductive arguments.


If you are really struggling with this, maybe you should look into a book about communication or even consider a class or counseling session to improve your communications skills. Communication within a marriage is definitely a skill that most people have to learn and practise. It doesn't necessarily come naturally and it's easy to fall into bad habits.


Hang in there!


RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 3:19pm

Hey Robyn,


Well, I pretty much talked about all that was in his email.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 3:28pm

Hi RoseAnn,


We have had other issues in the past (mainly communication) but we worked thru them via therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 12:06pm

Hey all,


I just wanted to post an update as you were all so kind to respond.


Things have calmed down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 1:19pm

I realize you have already "worked through" your issue but I have to add my 2 cents.


It was his b-day, he said he didnt want anything but a dinner, you obliged and then he whined about pouted?? Are you married to a man or a toddler?


You went shopping for yourself and didnt get him a gift?? Isnt a grown man capable of buying things for himself? Or are you his mommy? (If I bought a "treat" for my hubs everytime I went shopping for myself our house would be over run with junk he didnt want or need.)


He told you that you couldnt make up for what in his eyes was a selfish mistake? Does he always punish and hold grudges this way?


I would NEVER tolerate this kind of behavior from my spouse.


I think you mentioned that you'd been in counseling right? Are you still?


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 4:31pm
Hi feelingsomuchbetter & welcome to the board :)

Sorry I am chiming in late but am out of town .

Glad to hear things are better now for you both.
Does sound like a bit of miscommunication.
Although I do agree with the others ..
In regards to what he said & then you listening

Well hope you'll visit us again & happy to har all is well now :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 7:12pm

Well...


It is true, he said he just wanted to go out, but he was hoping for a gift.

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