iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sat, 10-29-2011 - 8:02pm

I'm visiting from the Betrayed Spouses group and hoping for some helpful tips from those of you here.

I've been talking about cuddling with my H. It's something I feel I really need right now - just to feel him close and feel that he cares. The problem is that he's really not a cuddler. He loves physical contact - just not cuddling. We've had talks throughout the years (we've been together 25), and he used to think that cuddling was pointless unless it led to sex. He says now that it doesn't always have to, but I don't think he really believes that, because whenever we do cuddle, he always turns it into more.

For example, the other night I told him I was going to bed early, because I was exhausted and had a crazy day ahead of me. He joined me much later and cuddled up to me (rare). He was rubbing my arms and legs and it was really nice and I thought he was responding to our recent talks about me wanted to cuddle more. I was looking forward to falling back to sleep in his arms, but it soon turned into him groping and I realized that I had misunderstood his intentions.

This has happened over and over. And if I tell him I don't want it to go any further for whatever reason, the caressing stops. I don't know if it's just too frustrating at that point or if he's angry or what, but the message I get is that if it's not going to go anywhere, he's not interested.

Do you think there's any way to express to him why cuddling that doesn't lead to sex might be important to me? Is it important to you as a woman? I don't even know if I'm 'normal' in thinking that way. Maybe it's supposed to all lead to sex and he's right about it being pointless otherwise.

Any insights you an offer will be greatly appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Sun, 10-30-2011 - 4:32pm
Hi & welcome to the board :)

As you know everyone is different when it comes to cuddling & such
However I would say to talk it out again & let him know that sometimes you want to just cuddle & not have it go any further. Help him understand the *why* you want just that
In my opinion there is nothing wrong with just wanting to be cuddled/ held.
There is something very special about that
Am sure others will also have thoughts so do check back :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Sun, 10-30-2011 - 7:03pm
I can live without a LOT of cuddling and my DH loves to cuddle. We have found some compromises that have worked for us, but I wonder if your DH is even willing/wanting to compromise? It sounds like he just wants to cuddle w/sex and isn't willing to try.

Here is my suggestion: just get close and lie on him. (ie, take what you need) My DH will often do this when we are reading in bed. He'll just get REALLY close so our bodies are touching while we read. I have grown to like this even tho I didn't crave or need it in the beginning of our r/ship. It tells me he is THERE - if you understand that.

I do think that wanting just cuddling and not sex is normal and fine. You are entitled to your feelings if even if they weren't "normal". I also think it's important for a partner to work together to help each other be happy.

I would ask you one question tho - is your DH getting enough sex? Maybe if was more sastified there, he'd not think of it every time...

Also, you could always go and get massages if you need more human touch.

Hopefully you can get through to him :)