Getting past the anger

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2011
Getting past the anger
18
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 11:10am

My husband and I have been basically happily married for 12 years.

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Avatar for msally99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 12:38pm

Sara - first, welcome to the board. We love to have new people join our group, although it's sad you've come to us under these conditions.

I think this is a touchy issue, because you know what your gut is telling you, but you don't really know what's true. I'm a huge believer in trusting my gut, and a big reason for that is that I lost my first marriage to an emotional affair.

My XH worked with a large group of people around our age. We were a very social couple, and we had lots of close

Avatar for mrosie
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Registered: 03-23-2000
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 1:29pm

You have much more to offer from personal experience on this than I do.

I just had to take exception to this line in your reply: I hope that on some level you know that only your XH is responsible for where that relationship led and nothing you would have done could have changed that. Not really.

Later in that

Avatar for mrosie
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Registered: 03-23-2000
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 1:32pm

I have never dealt with anything like you've described. I'm also a self-described non-jealous person so I think it would take a lot more than some to make me suspicious.

That being said, I think Carol gave you some great advice. I think you are perfectly within your bounds to tell your DH that you are uncomfortable with his relationship with his secretary and you prefer that he keep it professional or include both spouses in outside-of-work plans.

You also need to let him know that this is a dealbreaker for you, you need to make that clear to him. If his behavior doesn't change, you are then within your bounds to proceed however you feel most appropriate: counseling for yourself or the both of you, separation, etc.

Good luck

RoseAnn

Avatar for msally99
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 1:41pm

> I hope that on some level you know that only your XH is responsible for where that relationship led and nothing you would have done could have changed that. Not really. <

RoseAnn - you know me so well! I do know that he is responsible for the choices he made. And I don't give men a free pass when they are manipulated by women, but in this specific case, this woman saw that our marriage was rocky, and she saw the kind of man my XH is (a good one, who wants to help people), and she took full advantage. I don't blame myself for what he did, but I gave him a lot of rope (way more happened than I talked about in my first post), and it hanged him. As a wife who wanted to save my marriage, I should have put my foot down a lot sooner.

Would the marriage have ended anyway? Almost certainly. And I hope it would've, because if it hadn't, I wouldn't be with DH, which is where I was always meant to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2011
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 1:44pm

Carol--

Thank you for sharing your experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2011
In reply to: saraleah2011
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 1:47pm

I agree with RoseAnn.

Avatar for msally99
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 2:04pm

Sara - I'm glad my words could help. As far as snooping, here's how I feel: it's not right to snoop, but sometimes it's the only way to be sure. If I felt there was a problem in my marriage, and I felt that DH was not being honest with me or not helping me address that problem,

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 6:11pm
Sara,
I don't have personal experience with this problem as I don't tend to be a jealous person but my Dad cheated a lot (before cell phones of course) and so it's a behaviour I won't tolerate even though both my parents were at fault but that is another story. So DH has always known that there would be no forgiveness if he cheated.

I have have had many male friends over the years & I think the difference is that I would be more than willing for my DH to review my emails/texts from these guys. There aren't a lot of them but they are all harmless. Mostly talking about work, kids or holidays. DH is the only man for me and there will never be another one in my life if something were to happen to him. I refuse to train another man! lol

Anyhow, will your DH show you the emails? If he does & they are harmless then maybe you can move on & trust him. But before you ask, be sure you want to deal with the situation if he refuses.

Dee
Avatar for msally99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 6:48pm

>>> But before you ask, be sure you want to deal with the situation if he refuses. <<<

Dee, you made an *excellent* point here. When I decided in September 2006 that I had reached my limit in dealing with my now-XH's EA, I spent the day talking things over with a close friend via email. That night, I told him we needed to talk, and I laid it all out. I knew this man so well, and I really thought that if we just had a "come to Jesus meeting," that we would start fresh and repair our marriage.

Instead, I said my piece, and I put it in his lap. I told him I had realized that I couldn't fix it by myself, and he either needed to get on board with fixing the marriage or that we needed to separate. Things were not going to remain as they were.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2011
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 8:27pm

Dee-- Thank you for providing another point of view.

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