He's bringing job stress home and stressing ME out with it. I need new techniques to deal...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2011
He's bringing job stress home and stressing ME out with it. I need new techniques to deal...
10
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 12:12pm

Ok Ladies. My first post here. Please lend me a hand. My husband and I have been best friends ever since we met

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004

Your husband is what we in Sweden call going in to the wall or burning out, he is too stressed to function normally and nothing you will do will help.

Instead he need to learn to de-stress, he needs to learn to relax, he needs

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000

I think I understand now. DH was explaining that because interest is calculated daily, any little bit that you can pay early in the month is helpful and the overall interest bill goes down more quickly over time.

I think I misinterpreted your original response when you said "because you need the write-off"...I know some people want to keep paying on their mortgage longer (like my parents) because they think they'll be losing money without the deduction but you're really better off not paying the interest in the first place.

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007

Its hard to explain.

Denise

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010

HI & welcome to the board :)

I really like some of the ideas/suggestions others have shared with you.
Have you talked with DH recently to share how you feel ?
Let us know how things are going & good luck :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2011

Thank you, Ladies.

Avatar for msally99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

I haven't read the replies, but based on your OP, I would say you and DH need to have a serious discussion. You say, "He won't get a new job. And if he sticks to his plan, he will be in this job for another 4 years." If I were in your shoes, that would be a deal breaker.

Money isn't everything. Yes, it's better to be comfortable, and you have kids to think about. But I don't understand why you're willing to make changes so DH can be happy (i.e. downsize your home),

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000

I don't mean to hijack this thread but I'm not following the logic on your mortgage payment explanation. Can you explain it further?

My understanding of the deduction taken on taxes is that is based solely on the total of interest paid throughout the year, with no bearing on how those payments are broken up during the month.

DH and I learned when we moved from CA to CO that state laws can vary on how extra payments are applied. In CA, the law requires that all excess payments be applied to principal. In other states, the mortgage holder can apply it to future payments or put it in an escrow account for future use, which defeats most people's reason for paying extra.

The only benefit I would see to breaking a payment in half would be if a person's pay structure makes it difficult to pay the entire amount at once. Plus, there's the added hassle of making the extra payment.

I'd appreciate your insight!

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007

Aside from the relationship - everyone has given you great advise.

from an accounting point of view - it isn't a necessarily smart move to double your payments because you need that write-off on your 1040 against the income.

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
Welcome!

I think Rosie is right in every point of her post and I also agree that you do need to sit him down and spell it out. My situation doesn't sound as bad as your DH's but I can relate on people making it hell to get you to quit. I think you have a valid point in suggesting that he do something after work to unwind and to find something outside of work to focus on- I'm learning this right now. Yes we think we spent all of our life at work but if you figure out your hours per week you really don't. Maybe come up with a list of things you think he would enjoy. Since he isn't taking initiative on his own, could you not use the "waiver" and you all go for a walk after work as a family? Or go to the gym that has a day care as a family? Ideally it would be best if he would do it himself but maybe after doing it with his family he will realize the benefit and start doing it on his own?

Does he take a lunch and actually get out of the place or just sit at his desk all day? I used to hardly ever take lunches but now that my work situation has been less than ideal, you can bet I am out for an hour every day. Since the beginning of the year I haven't taken a lunch twice. Sometimes I go home and sometimes I go to a little corner and watch TV while reading or go for a walk. Whatever it is, at least I get OUT of my office chair. I learned that lesson through my DH. What about vacations? I usually catch hell for any time off which was a deterrent. Now I say screw em I have time I'm going.

I can relate to your DH's thinking about the trouble makers retiring next year: you have an end in sight and you have put up with it this long you might as well tough it for because what you've already put up with is longer than what you have left. But I've also learned not to really listen and bank on other people's plans for life, like retiring or moving to a different job. If he waited on others he could be waiting forever.

When you talk to him, I would also come up with a budget beforehand that shows the bare minimum he would need to make in another job for you to survive. It is so not worth your DH's mental and emotional health. With the field DH is in, some positions can take over your life. I've told him in the past that I would rather be living a low luxury life and him going to our kids games and have an active role as a father than for him to make the big bucks and live a fancy life. It is so no worth it to me.

Good luck!!
Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000

Welcome to the board! I can definintely relate to spousal job stress. It can be as stressful as your own job and maybe moreso because you don't have the power to change the things that need changing.

If you haven't already, it's time to sit down with him and tell him exactly what you've told us here. It may be difficult but even if you have to schedule it as a "required meeting", the two of you need a chance to discuss this and look at your options.

You mention that your finances would suffer if he changes jobs but you also mention that you are making double payments on your mortgage. Although it's admirable to pay off your house more quickly than scheduled, it shouldn't come at the cost of your DH's emotional health nor the health of your relationships with each other and your children.

Maybe you should reevaluate your budget and consider the possibility of cutting back to *true* minimums in order for him to afford leaving this job.

Does he have an ally at work? Someone who realizes he is not being treated fairly? If there's someone who might be able to help with the situation, he should talk to them about his options. If he insists on sticking it out until the troublemakers retire, ask him what would make his life more enjoyable on a daily/weekly/monthly basis. Not that it's entirely up to you to correct things but he needs to realize that steps he takes to make his life more pleasant will spill over onto you and your kids, too.

Good luck and please post back to let us know how things are going!

RoseAnn