Hugging?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Hugging?
19
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 9:55pm

So this morning I had a 10am meeting across town so I got to sleep in w/DH. He cuddled up for about 30 minutes before I heard the baby and jumped out of bed. Baby crawling around our room, I did a couple of stretchs and he came up behind me in a manner I thought inapropriate. "what are you doing?" I need to stretch my lower back, it cramps up on me. I don't need my DH approaching me - much less while the baby is right there!

Get downstairs and I'm trying to pack my lunch. He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me. I HATE this. I feel constricted when he does it. I push him away and hoot, "get away from me!" bc at this point I feel he is being WAY to touchy-feely. Hey, I already gave him 30 minutes...

How often do you hug? Cuddle?

I give him 15 mins at night and 15 mins in the morning (and then we hug here and there but I don't like bear hugs) and it doesn't seem to be near enough. Sheesh, we've been living together for 7 years, you would think he'd be over the novelty, LOL :)

I'm guessing if he does lose interest, I'll start thinking something is wrong - so he can't win!! Heehee...

Just curious about other's experiences :)

Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
In reply to: passion8te
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 10:45pm

DH and I hug, cuddle and kiss all the time (we've been together for 12 years now). My family was never the touchy-feely kind, so I grew up not liking to have others touch me. My first marriage was pretty cold on my ex-husand's part. Even though I said, "I love you" to him, he never said it to me until I said it to him first. We rarely touched or held hands and he never called me pet names. My marriage with DH is completely different. I like it this way. He will do the same thing that your DH does to you, in that he will come up behand me and wrap his arms around me, which I like. We get up at different times, so we don't cuddle in bed in the mornings, but we do cuddle with each other at night. So given the choice between the coldness in my first marriage and the warmth of my present one, I'll take the one I've got now. Of course, there is a middle road. DH and I just haven't gotten there yet.

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
In reply to: passion8te
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 11:22pm

I guess it all depends on the people/couple Dee,
Maybe your dH wants more & if you like/are that type of person go with it.
If not make sure you let him know.

As for us




iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2010
In reply to: passion8te
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 9:02am
We hug and kiss all the time...even in front of the kids. I feel that it's important for our children to see a loving r'ship...how else are they going to know what a loving r'ship is? We are very affectionate with each other AND our children.
I'm curious as to why you feel 15 mins each morning and again at night is enough? You also said that if he were to lose interest, you'll start thinking something is wrong...how do you think your inability (don't know what else to call it) to be affectionate with him makes him feel? Have you always been this way, or is this a new feeling? Marriage is about compromise...maybe 30 mins total for the day is enough for you..but what about him?
My first marriage was not an affectionate one. About a year after my divorce, I started a 3 year r'ship...this was also not affectionate. Now, I have the love and affection of my soul mate...and I love that he loves to show me how much he loves me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
In reply to: passion8te
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 10:02am

My husband wants to cuddle all the time, he hugs me and kisses me all the time too. I usually love it but sometimes I am in a bad mood and I do not feel like cuddling so I do get frustruated because I feel like I cannot breath. But I try to tell him nicely. That being said, I think the problem is that I am not used to being cuddled so much because my ex of 6 years never did it. I remember at one point my ex said he does not see what is the point of cuddling. It hurts my feelings so much. I think you should be careful how you deal with it and if there is a time when your husband is being touchy feely and you are not, just tell him nicely rather than "get away from me".

Avatar for msally99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: passion8te
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 10:20am

I'm an extremely affectionate person, so there's really no such thing as too much cuddling, in my opinion. However, I know that not everyone is that way, and that every relationship is different.

My concern with your post is two-fold: first, I think the fact that you mention "I give him 15 mins at night and 15 mins in the morning" could be a major red flag. There should never be score-keeping in marriage. And if your DH needs more affection than you give him - or if you make him feel bad (even if it's not intentional) about how much affection he needs - he may be tempted to receive affection elsewhere. That is exactly what happened in

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
In reply to: passion8te
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 3:40pm
I think there are a couple of things going on here: 1) Every individual has a level of affection that they desire and that they find comfortable. You need to find a way to compromise with your DH about how much, what type and when you are willing to be affectionate with him. I do think it's a little strange that you state "I give him 15 mins at night and 15 mins in the morning" because not only does that seem like a very minimal amount but it definitely sounds like you are keeping score and your idea of compromise isn't coming very close to his desired level of affection. 2) I'm confused as to what you think was inappropriate about him hugging you with the baby nearby. The best thing two parents can do is model a healthy relationship to their children. Obviously, some things belong behind closed doors but I don't think simple kisses and hugs fall into that category. Growing up, my parents were very affectionate with each other and with all of us kids. In fact, when I learned about the birds and the bees, I knew that babies didn't result from just kissing because I figured we'd have a lot more kids in our family if that were the case. LOL I hope that you and DH can find some middle ground that is comfortable to you both. We all have days when we don't feel particularly touchy-feely but maybe you need to make an effort to accept some of your DH's advances so that he feels loved in the way he needs. RoseAnn
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
In reply to: passion8te
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 12:11am

I'm not keeping score. I don't like to cuddle at ALL in bed...so DH has asked for the 15 mins at night and every morning. He told me that's what he needs and I've learned to do it naturally (even tho it didn't come naturally). I am not a touchy-feely person. I can lay my head on his chest while watching a program...but that's about all the affection I need.

As to the baby - he wasn't hugging me then ;-) He came up behind me and was rubbing his hands over my hips...in a way that felt to sexually suggestive for me. Yes, the baby is only 16 mos so he doesn't know what's up (literally) but I just don't feel comfortable with it.

I was raised by a single mother who changed in the bathroom bc the bedroom door didn't have a lock on it. I got my issues, LOL. She also worked multiple jobs and didn't have time to tuck me in every night or hug me all the time.

I think this might be an issue right now for 2 reasons: I always ensure the boys get cuddles when they need them and DS1 has been needing a LOT lately. And I've been dealing w/health issues.

I'm not offended :) I know I need to keep working on it. I'll give him a big hug when he gets home at 11pm tonight!

I was joking about him losing interest and me thinking something was wrong. My DH would never cheat. I know everyone thinks that but in his case it's true. He is a martyr type so he'd suffer in silence and never do that.

Thanks for the feedback and thoughts,

Dee

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
In reply to: passion8te
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 3:17pm

Your follow-up does provide some insight. It's hard when our partners needs and our own comfort levels don't mesh up.

Have the two of you talked about it other than in the heat of the moment? If you are able to calmly spell out what makes you uncomfortable and where you're willing to compromise, you might both be able to meet each other's needs better.

If you ever have a reason to go to counseling, I would also bring this up with a counselor. It may not be enough on its own but a professional might be able to give you more ways that you can work together to please each other.

RoseAnn

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Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: passion8te
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 4:08pm

If you

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
In reply to: passion8te
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 6:11pm

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