Hurt by Husband's Comments
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|Sat, 09-22-2012 - 1:23am|
Right now I'm not sure the "happily married" title describes me. I'm not sure where else to post however. We've been married for 17 years and it's been good for the most part, no major fights or battles. If we argue about something it's usually some small disagreement we get over fairly quickly once we talk about it. We certainly don't always agree and we certainly don't see eye to eye on everthing, but overall it's been pretty good.
There is a couple in our neighborhood we are friends with, Tina and Joey. Tina and I first got to be good friends after we moved here and over time our husbands became friends. Several times over the summer they'd come over on a Friday or Saturday evening and we'd sit out on our deck and talk and have a drink and just shoot the breeze. The last few times, however, both husbands have been insulting their respective wives and laughing about it. Nothing really horribly cruely, just small little jabs as they'd laugh about it. After it first happened, when my husband and I were alone later I explained to him how humiliating that had been. He said they'd just been joking. i said it wasn't funny. I tried to explain the difference about things that were hurtful and what things weren't. I gave him examples--an incident that happened early in our marriage that we both laugh about now is okay to talk about, or something we both find amusing but doesn't embarrass either of us is okay. I have a great sense of humor. But for him to be complaining and making fun of me is just cruel. I asked him to please not do this again. He said he understood and he wouldn't do that the next time.
The next time came and he was worse. I was so humilated by some of the things he said. And to top it off, he then told Tina and Joey that he'd be in trouble with me later as I was upset when he made fun of me the last time. He laughed about it. I was upset and angry, but held my tongue for later. When our friends left I told him how shocked and hurt I was. He went on a tirade claiming he didn't know what he could say and what I'd be upset about so he'd never say anything again. I tried to keep it calm and explain that if he thought I would be embarrassed or humilated, that was something he shouldn't say. He had told them the details of us having sex the day before. That was humilating to me as we don't discuss our sex lives with anyone else so why he suddenly did that was upsetting. He just used the tired line, "I can't do anything right so I just won't talk any more." I get tired of that. Whenever we discus anything he goes into his "i'm so bad and horrible" routine, waiting for me to tell him how wonderful he is. I just said no, I was not playing that game with him.
Tonight we had some unexpected company--a few relatives he doesn't like much--stopped by for a short while. They live an hour away, but had called and had a change of plans and were in the area. I had a couple of things I needed to give them so asked if they wanted to stop by and pick those things up before they headed home. So they came over. It wasn't going to be along visit, we weren't doing anything, I wanted to see them. I told my husband, when he started complaining about them, that he was free to go to his computer and I'd say he was working or go in our bedroom and watch TV or even go out somewhere. I wasn't trying to tell him he couldn't be here, but, knowing how much he didn't want to see them for even a short time, was trying to give him some options. He said yes, he'd likely go do something on his computer when they arrived.
So they arrived. My husband made the choice to stay sittig in the living room. Talk was civil and all was fine for awhile. And then the taking jabs at me started up. I asked him to please stop. He told the relatives that I'd be mad at him later for saying those things and embarrassing me. I wanted to sink through the floor and be gone. My husband said it was all a joke and in fun. One of the relatives commented that there was usually some degree of truth in those kinds of jokes and that words did hurt other people. That wasn't enough to stop him and he continued. He knows these relatives are polar opposites to him in politics, so he went out of his way to bring politics into the conversation. He started spouting off about one of the presidential candidates he doesn't like. After a few sentences, I asked him to please stop and all of us getting into a political debate probably wasn't the best thing on this night. Then I was telling my relatives about some work-related things and asked for their opinion, as well as my husbands. They listened and my relatives gave their opinion. When I asked my husband his opinion, he said, "Oh, I really never listen to you."
Once the relatives were gone I knew there was no point in discussing this tonight as he'd just get into the "I'll never say anything" and "I'm such an awful person" Eeyore type of routine. I decided to do some reading and have the conversation when I wasn't feel so hurt by him. He brought it up, however, and went through the Eeyore routine anyway. I said I was gong to avoid this discussion as it did no good when he was in this sort of mood.
Later, as our teenage son was with us (and hadn't been there while the relatives were), my husband said, "You're still angry at me." I calmly said that this was not the time or place to discuss any disagreements we had. He sits there a minute and then says something about I'd stay mad at him. Again, this wasn't the place, not in front of our son.
Tomorrow we have somewhere to go together for over an hour in the car without our son. I'm dreading it. I'm tired of this behavior from him. He's an intelligent man and knows what it means to humilate and embarrass someone. What do I do to stop this? I don't say things like this about him. I sing his praises and tell people what a wonderful husband, dad and provider he's been for our family. I wouldn't mind stories about things we find funny that we don't need to keep private (something silly I did, something minor) but to humilate me is getting quite old.
Sorry so long. I'm just hurt by all of this and wish I didn't have to spend the day with him tomorrow. I usually look forward to weekends and being together, but not tonight. I dread even going to bed (even though he'll simply be asleep). I feel so hurt by everything I don't want to be near him.