husband is threatening to divorce me

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2004
husband is threatening to divorce me
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 5:07pm

a few months ago, I found the first guy that I kissed from high school on Facebook after not having any contact with him for about 20 years. my husband pete knew about this and was totally cool with us catching up and becoming friends again. we have been married for almost 10 years.

not being very exerienced with chatting, it got a little out of hand. honestly, 98% of our chats were totally platonic and innocent. But 1 of these, we were flirting with each other (I initiated this sort of) and he tried to have online sex with me. I firmly told him no and did not ever have online sex with him. I then had


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 8:29pm
I understand your situation. DH and I met in an online chat room. I was experienced with cybersex before we met. Six months after we married we moved in with my in-laws, which was the worst mistake of our marriage. We moved from SC to MI, so I went through major culture shock. I was living with people whom I knew nothing about and I was very homesick. I was miserable. DH and I fought constantly, which was very unusual for us. I began to spend more and more time online and soon began chatting with people whom I should've stayed away from. DH found out, found all my private messages and we almost divorced within our first year of marriage.

How did you come back into contact with this guy? Did he seek you out on Facebook or did you initiate it? What has been occurring in your marriage that has caused you to seek out men from your past? Your husband obviously feels threatened by this fact and I can understand his feelings. You claim that you want to hook up with Charlie on FB, which would be "a platonic, superficial connection." Why are you fighting so strongly for a connection that will be superficial? Is it a way for you to tell your husband that he can't rule your life and that you'll do what you want to, despite his feelings about this? How do you know for certain that you won't fall to temptation again and this time actually have cybersex? You need to discover just what is behind your motives for behaving this way and causing unhappiness in your marriage.

I have no right to tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I did. I decided that my marriage was more important to me than the men on the Internet, so I set about to repair the damage that I did. It took DH a long time before he could trust me again. I stopped cold turkey, left the chat rooms and disabled my messenger service. I began to make changes in my life, focusing on what was making me so unhappy so that I could discover what would make me happy. I chose DH and my marriage over the Internet. Yes, I do have an account on FB, but the only past connection that I have with a male is someone whom I grew up with and never saw in a romantic light.

I hope that you and your husband can work through this situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 08-01-2010 - 9:42pm
Hi lattesrock & welcome to the board :)

I can understand how you feel as well as your DH,
Something I would ask is if you had problems keeping it platonic before ..
How/why do you think/know you can this time?
Also can see your DH's point of view as well.
As long as you *know* you can keep it *friendly* ..
Then you need to share/communicate that with your DH.
If at any poiunt that changes then you should tell your dH.
Aks yourself what is more important ..
Thsi platonice relationship on FB or your marriage ?
Am sure others will chime in as well.
So do check back
Let us know what you decide & how it goes ;)

          Click & Join the fun!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 1:26pm

Im going to be pretty blunt. You want to be married to your Husband correct? Because if you don't than go ahead and chat with this man. Your marriage is being threatened by this. If you want to keep your marriage stay away!!! I don't understand why you would push so hard for this, as it has put you into counseling?! If this man is more important than your Husband, go ahead. If not, suck it up, apologize to you Husband, and make your marriage better. Your going to have to put the OCD on the back burner. Not to mention, why on earth, why would you want to have this temptation again?! Imagine how your Husband feels with arguing reasons as to why you need to be friends with this man. Put the shoe on the other foot. If I were him, I would be dumbfounded that you were arguing to have him on your Facebook, after all that's happened.

You need to pick, your marriage, or this guy on Facebook. Your choice.

Sorry to be so blunt, but someone needs to say it like it is. I'm sorry I can't be more supportive, because your bringing this on yourself. I hope you can figure out your feelings though.

* Robyn *

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 1:56pm

#1. SHAME on your husband for "threatening" you with divorce. Marriage and the stability of said marriage isnt a darn bargaining chip.

#2. SHAME on you for not being able to seperate the reality of your marriage and the pain you've caused your DH from the superficial La La Land of FB.

You are a married woman....what are you doing "poking" a guy on FB after your DH expressed to you his anger, hurt and the fracture of trust caused by FB and this "other man" you cant leave be?!?!

Your reasons for wanting to refriend him (something I cant fathom since your DH has told you a divorce would be imminent) are quite childish and superficial (I am sorry to sound harsh. It is not my intention to be cruel or hurtful but this seems so obvious to me) and all seem to be designed to get you what you want out of the situation.

My advice.....drop this guy who was nothing more to you then a kiss and focus on the man you married and earning his trust back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2007
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 2:12pm

I couldn't agree more with Robyn and Christine. It just seems like you are playing with fire here.

There are other ways to gain his trust back and I don't think refriending this dude is the way to go. He's already told you how he feels so why would you think it's okay? If you aren't sure how to gain his trust back aside from refriending this person, then ask your husband what exactly you need to do.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 6:41pm

How many times have we heard about people finding old lovers online and insisting it's all "innocent"? Sorry but the only innocent thing to do is to NOT find them, NOT be friends with them, and if you do run across them, NOT flirt with them.

Just because we have Facebook and cell phones and IM and texting doesn't mean we have to use them to maintain contact with anyone and everyone.

I mean, what is important here, your marriage or having all your connections on Facebook? If that's even a question, you probably need counseling for yourself as well as with your husband to understand what's going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 08-02-2010 - 9:00pm
Well, I applaud your husband for giving you a second chance.

~ Kara ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 7:06pm

Wow - the other posters are right on

Support - no

Advise - STOP playing with fire Yesterday.



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 9:32am

Now when everyone has yelled at you and told you to feel shame, I am going to do the opposite, no idea of being the echo what they already said.

The most common reason we seek something outside the marriage is because we are unhappy with something inside the marriage, and instead of voicing these opinions we act the feelings out.

So what are you unhappy about in the marriage?

Why did you feel the need to flirt with some one else?

These are questions you should ask you self.

Now when it comes to your husband, he should ask him self why he can so easily throw this marriage away.
Threatening with divorce for such a little thing as this actuality is, is ridiculous, also going to council for shows that either of you are mature enough to talk to each other to start with.

My honest opinion , since I dont have the same moral background as the rest, is this is a failure to communicate, you two need to learn how to talk to each other and not at each other.

You need to learn how to voice your wishes and needs without the other one threatening to divorce. When you BOTH full fill the needs of the other person, there will be no reason for flirting or feeding outside the marriage.

Cool cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2007
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 9:41pm

If you want to make your marriage work, you need to break ties with this old flame. Your husband made it clear that he feels threatened by your online relationship with this guy, so why fuel the fire by re-friending him on FB?

Honestly think about whatever's missing from your marriage that drew you to flirt online and try to solve it. While it can be thrilling to relive a bit of your pre-marriage past (especially after 10 years of marriage, which can get dull now and then), it's not worth the temptation and stress in the long run.