Husband trying to take over!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Husband trying to take over!!!
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 1:05am

This may sound strange, but my husband is trying to take over my role as a wife/mother. He's always doing stuff I should be doing. He beats me to the punch constantly. Here are examples: He went ahead and bought my daughter her school shoes w/out even consulting me, he writes out grocery lists, he stops at the dollar store on his way home and buys household items (paper goods, etc.), when he cooks it's always elaborate dishes. That's only scratching the surface. Most women would love for their husband to do these things every now and then. But when its all the time it makes me feel so inadequate. I try talking to him but he just gets mad and makes me feel like I attacked him. It's almost borderline controlling, except I can go and do as I please, but he want's to be in charge of the household/domestic duties. That's my job dammit! I try to beat him to the punch, but then I end up running myself ragged and get extremely overwhelmed. He does have a job too. It's like he's trying to be the husband and the wife. Also, he insists on going to EVERY parent/teacher meeting, which would be no big deal except he asks tons of questions that he already knows the answer to. It's almost like he's trying to show everyone that he's a better parent b/c I hardly asked any questions (b/c I had all the info I needed) and he asked like 10 (which he already knew the answer to). I feel crazy just typing this but this stuff really is happening and I feel like he's trying to take over or something which I definately DONT want. Can someone please shed light on this? Has anyone else experienced this? Am I going nuts, maybe?

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 10:58am

Welcome to the board. It does sound like this is the exact opposite of the complaints many women have about their husbands not doing enough to help out! LOL

I agree with butterfly's suggestion that you split up the chores. Just like you would if you were trying to get him to do more, make a list of everything that needs to be done and take turns deciding who does what.

If there are certain tasks, like buying your daughter's school shoes, that you would prefer to do yourself, let him know and give him specific reasons if you can.

As for the fact that he asks questions at parent/teacher conferences while you don't, I wouldn't worry so much about what others think. He's an involved, curious dad and that should be encouraged! Don't let your own insecurities get in the way of that. If you start to feel like you aren't asking enough questions, remind yourself that you already have the info you need. Maybe he just needs that repetition to make sure he understands everything.


Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 11:50am
Welcome to the group :smileyhappy:

I do agree with the others in that it is time to sit down, discuss & divide the chores.
Let him know you appreciate everything he is doing but you feel it is time to share these responsibilities.

Good luck & let us know how it goes :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 7:25am

Your husband is sort of a typical Swedish  husband/dad  except the  million question thingy,  for us this is normal and  most people have no problems with it  BUT  in your socity you still have set gender rolls and live by them so you two need to talk.

Sitt down and see what you can do to share the load  at home and also talk about what  each person can do better then the other and let that person do that, even if it breaks the gender rolls. When the comes to the children, have a set day a week when you two plan what needed to be done, bought and so on. 



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Tue, 10-09-2012 - 10:14am

Hey, just saw this post after trying to get some answers myself.  My husband is the exact same way and it drives me nuts! He has always been this way (our boys are 5 and 8) but at first it was kind of cute like he is helping, but now that the kids are getting older it's seems he is full on trying to replace me as mom!  I don't know what to do.  Like you said he beats me to the punch everytime.  When the boys get hurt or sick, he is the first one there with a bandaid, medicine or comforting them.  I try to get in there but not wanting to upset the boys worse I just let him go ahead with the job and stand by and wait.  I've tried talking to him about it and he either just apologizes or denies there is anything wrong.  I told him he is taking away my job as being nurturing mother and says he is just trying to help.  Many times when the kids call for "mom" for something, he will actually answer and be the one to go to them!  Also, he repeats my words when I talk to them.  If the kids as me a question or I'm telling them to do something, he will just repeat my words as if they actually came from him and I never said a word.  I try to tell him about this and at first he didn't realize it but then I begin to point it out and he's like, "oops, I did it again."  I mean it's driving me crazy!  I feel that he has cut me off from having that special motherly bond with the boys.  He's always in the way in the mornings when I'm trying to get the kids ready for school by getting them dressed or getting their breakfast.  Even at bedtime when I'm giving a bath or trying to get them settled in bed he comes in and tries to get right in the mix and then take over whatever I was doing.  He keeps saying he likes to help and do these things, but I want my own time!  I want him to back off, I'm the mom!  I know most women have the opposite problem so it's so difficult to explain to people.