Just 3 months in...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Just 3 months in...
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 12:28pm

  Just 3 months married, and already I feel so seperated from my husband. 

 I have been newly diagnonsed as mildly bipolar and I am searching for a job plus learning to be married..I am overwhelmed.  I have turned to my girlfriends in church for advice, prayer and I have a therapist.

Lately I turn into a porcupine when he tries to hold me; I immediately put walls up and walk away or sternly say 'NO'. It's automatic, but deep down I want him to love me, help me. 

I feel like it's just sex; it's not love. It used to be. Last night, I just wanted to sleep and he curls up to me, but I'm already on the edge of the bed and I just ball my body up in a way to see "don't touch"..he does not get it which then pisses me off and I yell 'NO' and he gets huffy and goes to the other side of the bed. It's like I have to get to that point in order to be left alone. He doesn't leave me alone at a simple 'NO'.  I need other things besides just sex.

I had apologized earlier in the evening for being so defensive and said I will try harder; and his response was "I just don't want to be annoying". 

 I know I need to change and I am willing to do so, but I'm not the only one in this marriage.

I don't know what to do or say anymore. I just want to be quiet from now on so I don't do anymore damage.


Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 3:07pm
Welcome to the group,
I do agree with the others & won't repeat what they have suggested.
Good luck & let us know how things go :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 1:50pm

 I have read that book..still waiting for husband to read it. I actually brought that up a couple of days ago that we need to figure our languages out. He just says 'yeah' but doesn't do it.

I'm tired of his procrastination. It makes me feel like what I have to say really doesn't matter and he doesn't care. I'm just here.

  I don't want to be 'just here'.

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 1:00pm

Welcome to the board!

It's good that you are getting help for your bipolar disorder. It sounds like you need to also work on opening up the lines of communication with your DH.

Talk to him about what makes you feel loved and then listen to what makes him feel loved. There's a book called The Five Love Languages that can give you some good insight into giving and receiving love from your partner in different ways. It's not something that necessarily comes naturally. You have to listen to one another and learn to read the signs of what they like and don't like.

Can you find other ways to have physical affection that don't make you feel so overwhelmed? Try going for a walk and holding hands. Or taking turns giving each other massages. Experiment until you find something that you are both comfortable with and both find fulfilling. It may be that you have to compromise sometimes and allow him to cuddle you and just set boundaries for when/where/how long that will go on.

If you haven't already, I would suggest talking to your therapist about this or seek out someone who can talk to you and DH together to help you figure this out.

I look forward to getting to know you here!