At a lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2009
At a lost
6
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 3:10pm

I am not sure if where to post this but I'd figured what's the harm in doing so here. My fiance and I have been engaged for almost a year and naturally we discuss our plans for the future. He grew up on an island and he is very proud of his culture. I admire that.It's a part of him.

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 6:08pm

Welcome to the board!

I've been married almost 15 years. When DH and I got married, just after I graduated from college, we decided to move to his hometown in a different state because he had a job there. I couldn't imagine being happy so far from my friends and family and all the things that were familiar to me. I made him promise that after a year in his hometown, we could look at moving closer to my family.

We ended up living in his hometown for 10 years before we made a move even further from my hometown, on my suggestion! LOL I love my family and always look forward to visits. In fact, right now I'm counting down to the long weekend we're spending with them this weekend. I just discovered that was not the only location I could be happy.

It is important that you sit down and talk with your fiance about your expectations for where you will live during your life together. You may not be able to plan out every detail but you can bring up pros and cons of various options (will you both be able to get jobs in his hometown, is it an affordable place to live, if you're going to have kids do you want to raise them there). It's also important that you are honest with him about your misgivings.

If it's possible, you should visit his island and spend some time there getting to know his family and the surroundings. You might be surprised to discover that the two of you together can conquer your fear of the unknown.

I hope you'll come back and let us know how things are going!

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 12:58pm

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Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Thu, 01-13-2011 - 10:36pm

WElcome to the board :)

Tough is right however,
You do need to discuss this with him.
We lived in one state all our lives.




iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2009
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 7:22pm

Thank you all for the posts. It is a scary thought to go somewhere where you do not know anyone. However, my fiance have engaged in conversation and we are planning to make a trip to his island sometime this summer so that I can gain my own perspective about his homeland. Thank you all for the advice. I realy needed it! Also: I did receive any e-mails saying that I received any replies on my posts. If anyone can tell me how to turn on the indicator, it will be greatly appreciated :) Have a good week

If you cannot run, walk. If you cannot walk, crawl but by all means...Keep moving! Happy MLK Day!

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 7:45pm

Hi there,
When you open the board to reply, look to your right,
You will see it says




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 3:02pm

I've moved 13 times, which includes living in three states, two countries and eight cities, so I've had lots of experience in this area. Not all of my moves were planned. For example, one of my houses burned down so I had no choice but to find a new place to live. A year after that my (now) ex-husband attempted to murder me, so I had to literally run for my life toward a new home. My best move of all happened in July 2010, after my husband was accepted to a particular college and we moved to an area where I've wanted to live since I was a child. I'll be 50 next month and for the first time in my life I'm living in my own home. All the other places I've lived have been with roommates or family or a place I've rented. This is the first time that I've ever been a real home owner and I love it.

My worst move occurred six months after DH and I were married, when we moved in with his family. I had grown up down south and suddenly I was living up north with complete strangers. Talk about culture shock! This wasn't a move that I wanted, but we needed a new place to live and DH's parents suggested that we move in with them and he jumped at the chance. Not that he really wanted to live with his parents again, but because he thought that would temporarily solve our problem of finding a new home. We didn't discuss the situation and I felt that DH had pushed me into it. Thank the Goddess that we only lived with his parents for a year and a half. I became extremely depressed and unhappy and DH and I fought all the time. I blamed him for everything and felt that if we had discussed this move beforehand we could've come up with a different solution. We survived that move, but that year and a half was what I've since called my sojourn into Hell.

From your post, I think that you and your fiance will do better at your move than DH and I did. You two are discussing it now and you're planning a visit to his homeland before your move. That will help you a lot, because then you'll get an idea of what his homeland is like, get to know the people and culture and get an idea of whether you could be happy living with him there. You won't be thrown to the wolves like I was when I moved with DH into his parents' home.

Please keep us posted on how these discussions with your fiance are going!