Marriage after children
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|Tue, 07-26-2011 - 10:28pm|
"Life will never be the same." How true when you transition to becoming a mom.
I thought my spouse would be able to travel this journey together with me, that it would be a wonderful joint adventure together will all of its joys and difficulties, but having a child has been a big divider. He just doesn't understand how much work it is to take care of a child (my daughter is now three), how life isn't the same when we didn't have her and why we can't do some things when we were childless (e.g., travel, etc), and also how much housework there is and that he never helps with (or if he lifts a finger, wow, he needs a ton of praise and never sees how much is still left). Anyway, I'm sure many of you are familiar with this.
I've worked on this a lot. Read marriage books, endlessly tried talking about it in many different ways, tried many different strategies, went to a marriage counselor together, and I've really come to the conclusion that he doesn't get it and I don't think he's ever going to get it like other moms get it. What am I supposed to do? I am not happy about this at all, and this is what we fight about all the time. We understood each other so well before having a child, and now we are oceans apart. I can figure out ways to tolerate him (I'm not okay with divorce as an option for me), but it gets very trying when my work and stress is so invisible to him and even dismissed as not important, when he makes *such a big deal* when he does the tiniest thing.
Sigh... I never ever thought I'd be the quiet wife in the background, but all of the ways of trying to get him to hear me and understand have not worked. So let's just say that he's never going to understand. How can I get myself strong enough to ignore his obtuseness and be a bigger person, without seeming like I'm passive (a trait that I abhor)? It's hard when this person lives with you every day.
Thank you for any advice you can give. We've been together 14 years.