My marriage is failing, could really use advice, support

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2011
My marriage is failing, could really use advice, support
9
Thu, 03-17-2011 - 12:39am

Hi, everyone, I'm new to this board, just signed up because I needed somewhere private where I could go to get this off my chest, and maybe get some advice and support. I am feeling really bad right now and have no one that I can turn to because this is so private. This is a lengthy post, I apologize.

First, a little background: My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years, and we have two children in middle school. Our marriage has been very unhappy and contentious, lots of power struggles, anger, lack of respect for each other. We have never enjoyed a good sex life and he is very angry at me because of this. I have avoided sex with him because it has always been very unsatisfying and I have resented his lack of interest or kindness towards me except for when he's wanted sex. There has been some physcal violence in the marriage throughout the years; we both have been the initiators of it

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008

I just wanted to send you some big ((HUGS)) and welcome to the board!

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Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000

My advice to you would be to seek individual counseling to help you transition from this unhappy marriage to a healthy life on your own following what sounds to be an impending divorce. I'm not sure that I could stay in the situation you describe for 7 years but that is something that you can address with a counselor and, as the time approaches, whether it be 7 years or less, you should probably talk to a lawyer and find out the best way to proceed.

RoseAnn

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010

Welcome to the board :)
Sorry to hear all this is going on.
You've been married sucha a long time too.
I like the idea of seeking provate counseling as the op mentioned.
See what they might suggest.
Do you think it's best to stay married for the next 7 years for the kids?
You say things have gotten worse so not sure they will get any better.
Moreso since your DH seems uninterested in getting any help.
Perhaps while getting some counseling for yourself do try to find a lawyer & see what they suggest.
Hopefully others will chime in as well.
Please keep us posted on what's going on & how you are doing :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007

My first piece of advice is to get therapy for yourself and probably for your children as well. I seriously believe that an unhappy, stressful marriage is much worse on children than we think. Your husband doesn't see any reason for therapy and it's only going to get worse. I was in an abusive marriage for many years and I almost died twice during that marriage. Thank the Goddess that I didn't have children.You don't want him to turn on your children.

My second piece of advice is to find an attorney, one that specializes in family law. Make sure that you will get financial support and that your children will be taken care of financially. I personally would not remain married for the next seven years for the sake of the children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2011

Hi, everyone. I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your replies. Being able to come here and post this, and get some support has been so helpful to me.

I made an appointment with a therapist yesterday, and

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010

Glad to hear DH doesn't harm the kids in any way,
However still does not sound safe for you either.
Please let us know how things go & what you decide :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
First, I'd like to say welcome. As a counselor, I'd like to sY begin with yourself. It seems as if you have encountered a lot of emotional baggage as well. Focus on becoming a healthier you, then you are able to make more rational decisions. Your middle school children probably know more about your situation than you think. Seek professional counseling ad individuals and as a family. Start preparing yourself to be single again( if you are seriously thinking about divorce). Seek legal advisement as well. It's not healthy to stay for the kids, as they sometime endure more just from being on the environment. If you do not have a degree, seek one before you leave. Prepare yourself to enter into the working world.
Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010

Welcome to the board,
Thanks so much for your input regarding this.
Hope we'll see you around here again :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008

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