My parents and eldest daughter how to handle what they bring to my life and marrage

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2013
My parents and eldest daughter how to handle what they bring to my life and marrage
Mon, 11-18-2013 - 6:23pm

I have been with my husband for over 10yrs and I have two children from previous relationships. My husband has been in their life sense my eldest was 3yrs old and he has acted as their father from day one. My eldest daughter thinks at age 13 she don't have to listen to him or respect him at all. She has always gotten what she wanted from my parents to the point of them telling her that she don't have to listen to me or her step-dad and whenever she's been in trouble she would call my parents and then I get a phone call from my mother asking me why this or why that or she shouldn't be in trouble blah blah blah. My parents disrespect my parenting and all aspects in my life. My mothers the worst she has always walked all over me and to this day continues too. And my daughter has been doing the samething. I have told my parents for over 6yrs that I don't want my children to have anything to do with my sister as I do not because of her habits and she can never stay out of my marrage and parenting as well so I have cut all ties with her. I had let my eldest go stay with her grandparents for the weekend because they asked if she could come see them I let it happen only to find out that my daughter was NOT with them my mother had brought her I my sisters and she spent the weekend with her. sharing this news with my husband was not good it only got us into an argument which happens all the time when my family is involed. Because he feels they do nothing but walk all over me and he's tired of it and hates to see me cry. But really what can I do?? Cut ties with my parents?? I have tried to tell them how what they do makes me feel and that I am the parent so leave it alone but they never listen. Out of all my children the eldest is the only one that they wish to have anything to do with. They are never able to come for anything when it involves the other 4 children and it really hurts they live two blocks away from us and my sisters kids see my mother more then my children do. I'm at a point in my life that I don't know what to do or how to react anymore all I know is that it is and has been causing problems in my marrage and with my daughter an I need some advice on how I could stop this without shutting them out of my life for good. But if that's what I have to do to be happy and live my life then I guess thats what I will do again. If anyone has any advice please let me know I will try just about anything 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

You let everyone get away with bad behavior, so why should they change? You can only control yourself, and you'll have to change. I would tell your daughter, "You're to speak to your father with respect." If she is disrespectful, you need to take away something she values, such as a day in her room without hanging out with friends. Tell her, "Your dad and I set the rules. If you call your grandmother to complain, which causes rife in our family, your phone will be taken away for two days (if she has a cell phone). If she doesn't, another possession or privelege can be taken away. She needs to be given consequences that matter to her. As for your mother, tell her that since she disrespected your wishes, she can visit your daughter in your home, but she will no longer be able to take her to her home for the weekend. If your mother argues with you about your daughter, tell her that when she's ready to speak about something pleasant, she can call or visit. If she argues with you in your home, ask her to leave. If she argues over the phone, hang up on her. Don't try to reason with her and argue back, as this doesn't work with her. Be consistent and don't give in. Tell her it hurts your feelings that she doesn't pay attention to your other children. Not much else you can do if she still ignores them. Whenever she's on good behavior, reward her with a compliment or hug. It's like training a dog. Here's some advice from Dr. Phil's website:

Life Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.
Strategy: Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior. 

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt. The resolve to be treated with dignity and respect must be uncompromising. 

The worst thing you could do is make a lot of noise about changing things, only to revert to the old, familiar, destructive patterns. To talk about change and not to do it is to teach that person to treat your statements and declarations lightly. You will teach him or her to be patient, confident that you will soon give in. Where your relationship standards are concerned, commit to yourself that, although it may be difficult to effect change, you must not compromise. To compromise in this area is to sell out your most precious commodity: you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
Has some one told you that you will "cut ties"? Standing your ground when you are correct is not cutting ties. If they decide to cut the ties, that's on them not you. Maybe you husband is correct if you have decided in advance that sticking up for yourself means you are cutting ties. You can not change others. You can only change yourself. If you stand firm and they cut ties, it's their loss. You must do what is best for you and your daughter. Best of luck to you.