Needing advice from those who know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Needing advice from those who know.
6
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 9:13pm

I'll try to summarize this as best as possible.

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 9:53pm

Hi glasshalffull,
Welcome to the board :)

Happy to hear you have grown & learned from your past relationships,
Loving oneself & feeling great about yourself is a huge step .. congrats to you!

Sounds like perhaps things are moving




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Fri, 10-22-2010 - 12:01am

My first husband was emotionally, physically and mentally abusive to me. He was an alcoholic and a drug addict and in the end attempted to murder me. I got away from him by literally running away. It took me a long time to rebuild my self-esteem and to trust a man again.

While you were involved with the other two men you got used to the chaos and the abuse. It doesn't mean that you enjoyed it, but it was all you knew. Is there substance abuse in your family? Many women who end up with addicts grew up with the chaos addiction causes to their lives and they unconsciously seek out addicts to get involved with, because they don't know what a healthy relationship is really like. You are focusing on the imperfections because you unconsciously want the chaos. You're not used to being with someone who isn't damaged. So you think there has to be something wrong with him and you're looking for that. Then when the imperfections appear you can feel that you were right all along and that he was another jerk. You're not doing this to be mean. Your psyche and your emotions are used to the pain and the chaos and aren't used to the calmness a good man brings to a relationship.

I would suggest that you take your time with this man. A month is a short amount of time to get to know someone. There isn't any need to push yourself toward another relationship. Healing from bad relationships takes a lot of time. I last saw my ex 12 years ago and I still suffer from PTSD from all that he put me through. I still wake up in a cold sweat from the nightmares. Allow yourself to heal and to get to know yourself better. As you begin to heal you will slowly begin to accept this new man and what he can offer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Fri, 10-22-2010 - 10:06am

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Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Fri, 10-22-2010 - 11:51am

Welcome to the board! It sounds like you have been through a lot to bring you to this point.

It's not entirely unusual to have second thoughts, especially about a relationship that is moving fairly quickly. There's nothing wrong with trusting your gut and giving yourself more time to be confident in this new relationship.

Have you shared your past with this man? It may be helpful to let him know what you have experienced in other relationships so he knows where your concerns stem from.

You mention doing a lot of work to love yourself since your harmful relationships. If that work includes counseling, I would definitely encourage you to include your new love interest in that process. Take him to one of your sessions so that your therapist can meet him and so that he can be a part of your healing and growth.

I hope that you will let us know how things are going. Being happily married doesn't just happen; it's an ongoing process!

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 8:22pm

Thanks to everyone who responded!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Mon, 10-25-2010 - 8:36pm

So glad you came back to share that,
Please do keep us posted on what continues to go on in your relationship .. good luck :)