Porn in Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2011
Porn in Marriage
22
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 12:39pm

OK - so some of you may have come across this question a lot.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 4:48pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 10:18pm

Hi & welcome to the board :)

Not sure what to say as DH & I have never watched porn since we have been married,
Just no need for it ..
That's not to say it is not ok as every couple is different.
Maybe it is something you can discuss with him & see what he has to say ?
Let's see what others suggest so do check back :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Wed, 08-10-2011 - 11:14pm

We don't have porn in our marriage either. We have had this discussion and I was okay with it at first...but then he didn't always think ahead and wasn't able to participate w/me on the level I desired...if you understood that, LOL. Anyway, after a few arguments about it - it was removed from our marriage. Now we've had no problems. He hasn't asked for it back so I'm assuming he is okay with that. Honestly, I don't see when he would have the time/energy to do anything by myself when we have an active sex life (and 2 very little ones tiring us out).

Maybe in the future if we had mixmatched interest,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 1:16pm

It doesn't bother me that DH looks at porn. We have a lot of movies that we watch together. And I write porn and read it, so him watching it is fine with me (since men are usually more visual than women are). This is an issue that each couple needs to work out for themselves. If he watches it and you're ok with it, then there isn't a problem. But when he does and you're not happy about it, then you have to do something about it before the issue gets bigger.

I understand what your DH says about the breasts in porn. Some men are hung up on women's breasts. For others it's women's butts or their legs. My DH loves breasts and fortunately I have plenty for him. And mine aren't silicone like a lot of the women in porn.

Some men need porn to masturbate. I know that for my own alone time I need some kind of clue, usually from my own imagination. But men do tend to be more visual than women, so they tend to need porn to stimulate them.

If porn is a problem within your marriage then talk with your DH and get your point across. If that doesn't work, then I'd suggest some marriage counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 3:43pm
I think I'm fine with it, to be honest. The problem lies wherein I try to put thoughts or motives into my husband's head -- is he watching it to get off on other women? is he finidng them more attractive than I am? Does he need variety? etc etc etc....I worry A LOT sometimes about things and I think it's more me making it into something bigger than it is than anything else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 3:54pm

If his watching porn didn't bother you before and it's bothering you now, then there is something going on that is making you feel insecure. I only say that because for you this is a new feeling. So look deep inside yourself and ask what is making you insecure. Is it something physical with yourself? Have you lost/gained weight, feeling older than you want to be, losing interest in sex due to hormones or an illness? Has your DH mentioned a new female co-worker or neighbor and has mentioned her attributes? Have you been going through a depression?

I'm just thinking that there is something amiss, in yourself or in your marriage, that is suddenly not liking your DH's interest in porn. If his interest was sudden, then I'd worry. But if he's been using porn since before your marriage, then it's an activity that he's always enjoyed and has nothing to do with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2011
Thu, 08-11-2011 - 4:03pm

It definitely me having body issues -- I'm insecure with my body and how it looks compared to women. I compare myself daily to other women in magazines, on the street, etc. I'm not very happy with my physical appearance in that way....and I guess I've always wondered how my husband sees me since I don't see myself in a very good light...does that make sense? It's not a sudden thing for him...he's always done it. And it's not like it's happening all day every day...he only does it about once a week or so, give or take. I just started to over-analyze it once we got married and blew everything out of proportion....mostly because I'm insecure with myself and started to think "what if he thinks those girls are more attractive than me?" stuff like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 3:37pm

I am a Swede and I think in a healthy marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 4:46pm

I understand the body image thing. I've been overweight since I was in the 8th grade and I'm 50 now. You'd think that I'd be over this by now. But I grew up in a family that never complimented me on my looks and was married to someone for almost 10 years who never once complimented me on my looks. So by my divorce at 35 it was pretty much ingrained in me that I was fat, wasn't sexy and wasn't pretty. Then I met DH and for the past 13 years he has told me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am and that he's fine with the way that I look. I look the same now that I did when we met, so nothing's changed with me physically. So you'd think that I'd accept that since he loves me now with the way I look, he must've loved me then. So I should believe what he tells me, right? Yes, it sounds logical and natural, but I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it, even after all this time. DH says that I might start to believe it when I'm finally on my death bed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2011
Fri, 08-12-2011 - 4:59pm
I guess I worry if it's more about the women's bodies than anything else. Because that's where I'm the most insecure... In my body. And I worry that if another women's body turns him on he'll wake up and notice how imperfect mine is. DH says it's more about the action in porn than anything else and I want to believe him... It's just hard for me to believe he's happy with mine. But like I said he's been using porn as his masturbation tool since he was a teen. It's just what works for him. I'm making what he's doing into a big deal rather than dealing with my own insecurities

I think on top of it too is my 13 years of catholic schooling and being told everything you do in relation to sex is wrong... That's a whole other can of worms though

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