Problem Brother in law, help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2002
Problem Brother in law, help!
7
Wed, 04-25-2012 - 12:47am

Hello!

Been happily married 5 years.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Wed, 04-25-2012 - 9:30am

Welcome to the board :)

Well in all fairness .. even though you have never met the bil,
I guess it does make sense as one gets older to try to re connect with family.
So I think your DH is doing the right thing .. mho
Now as for the allegation & that is all it is unless you have/get proof.
Good idea on never letting either of your kids being alone with him.
Set ground rules now before he moves to town .. kwim?
Let him know you have heard things that make you uncomfortable & that this is how it has to be.
Let's hear what others suggest as well so do check back :)




Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Wed, 04-25-2012 - 10:42am

From what you've told us, it sounds like your DH is taking some reasonable steps to protect you and your family from any risk this man may pose. It's really unfortunate that the family gossip mill has gotten so out of hand. If all of these accusations are untrue, you are keeping a man from reuniting with his family for no good reason.

I have grown up around estrangements. I have an uncle I've never met; he hasn't spoken to my mom (his sister) or the rest of the family for over 40 years. My mom just recently reconciled with her sister who hadn't spoken to her for 25+ years. I have a brother who has more recently decided he doesn't want our family to be a part of his life.

Every case is different but I don't see the harm in your DH meeting with his brother as long as he is keeping that relationship separate from yours. As time goes on, you might consider the possibility of opening your heart to your BIL but it may never come to that.

Out of curiosity, is the BIL trying to connect with his other siblings as well? How do they feel about all of this? It might be helpful for you to have a family meeting to agree on how things should move forward with the BIL returning to your town.

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Wed, 04-25-2012 - 9:35pm

I'm sorry if this seems harsh but you have never met this man and yet you refer to him as "creepy". You have tried, convicted and sentenced this man before you met him. All based on something a cousin said that they recanted. Personally I would concerned about this cousin who is spreading such maliciousness with no proof.

I work in a place where we see child molesters on a fairly regular basis. They are human being so they have fathers/mothers/brothers/sisters/etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 3:17am

You said what I been thinking.

Also there is

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2002
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 3:33pm
Hi all:

Dee, thank you, but I had more info. To go on when I said Ed sounds creepy. I am actually a trusting person, but since I have a daughter, and there is abuse allegation, I'd rather stay on side of caution.

Ed cut off contact 10 years before the cousin made the accusation. Apparently he divorced his wife, and married his wife's sister. He then did not come to his mother's wedding. Apparently then his family got angry, and stopped calling him as a result.

A different cousin said in the past "Ed is really weird" and commented that his own daughter us angry and won't speak to him. Also, dee said ed's cousin recanted her story - she did, days after Ed re-contacted her after 15 years, said he has accumulated $400,000 and wants to come to town and get her social security number to leave cousin Money when Ed dies.

So I'm really not a selfish person, but hearing the allegations, the fAct that he cheated on his wife with her own sister (dh himself us angry about that), fact that his own daughter, the alleged person he abused, hasn't spoken to him in 15 years, and fact that another cousin said "he's weird", it does make me nervous that he now wants to move to our small town.

I'd feel less concerned if his own daughter (alleged victim) had not cut off all contact with him. If I did not have a daughter maybe I wouldn't be worried,

But us it fair to be wary of accused pedophile? The cousin that made the accusation knew him for 20 years before Ed stopped calling.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 3:48pm

Couldnt it be so that the wife, cousin, daughter is hurt by

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 4:34pm

It sounds like the whole family has a lot of issues, both interpersonal and otherwise.

I stand by my assertion that your DH has a right to at least attempt reconciliation with his brother and he has offered steps to keep the risk to you and your children to a minimum.

I would suggest that you consider going to counseling, with or without your husband, to deal with your concerns. It may be that your preconceived notions about your BIL are preventing you from

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2002
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 12:32am

Thank you for all the replies!

Things went well for a while and now a big snag.

First, if I may defend myself -- some people at forum said the brother in law may be innocent, don't be judgemental, exc.  But I left out part of the story.  The cousin (the one who said Ed is a child molester) only recanted her story after her husband found out she told me.  When Ed first called town, he told cousin's husband he has $50,000 saved and wants to leave it to them in his will....basically, the cousin who accused Ed of being a molester re-canted after her husband (1) called me and said "who told you Ed is a molester? (he sounded angry that his wife told me and (2) after cousin was told by Ed he wants to leave her money....

Ed moved here.  He and the cousin and my husband get together once a week.  Husband knows I don't want to meet Ed and that's fine with husband.  Another item I left out:  the reason Ed's children don't speak to him....from what I've been told...is he divorced their mother to marry their mom's sister (he married his sister in law)....so when he did not contact family for 14 years, family members would say to me "Ed is weird" "I never liked him, he's selfish" exc.   So no offense, but I'd heard only negative things before I was told he's a molester.

PROBLEM:  I have kids.  Husband said I never have to meet Ed and Ed will never come to our home (fine).  Husband sees Ed once a week (Fine).  I'd asked husband to not discuss my kids with Ed.  Today, husband said "Ed asked about our kids (husband's stepkids) and how they like joint custody and what nights we get them"  Husband told Ed what nights my kids sleep at our house.  Fight ensued.  I don't want my husband to discuss my children with his brother as he's been accused by famlily of being a molester.  I already am creeped out that he's moved to town (after he didn't contact my husband for 14 years), and now my husband tells the guy what nights we get our kids.  Husband angry at me, he said "Well, he doesn't know what schools your kids attend, and I think he's innocent, he seems fine to me"  But husband's own cousin told us both Ed is a molester.  So I was married for 5 years before this long lost brother showed up, heard his own relatives say he molested his own daughter (who is now 32 and will not speak to him) and husband mad that I don't want him to discuss my kids-from-prevoius marriage with Ed.   I feel uncomfortable.  IF my ex husband found out that my kids step dad hangs out with alleged molester and discussed our kids, my ex would be angry. Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2002
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 12:35am
RoseAnn, thanks. Brother in law has since moved 10 minutes from our home (after no one heard from him for 14 years) and sees my husband weekly. Things were going fine until he asked my husband about my kids from a previous marriage. BIL asked "oh what nights do you guys get the kids: and my husband told him. I don't undersand why DH can't just discuss other topics (anything other than my kids) with this accused molester. DH had said he's never talk about my kids to his brother....please understand, since BIL disappeared for 14 years and no on from the family heard from him, he is like a stranger. I'm the only one who doesn't want to see him. But they used to refer to him as "Strange:" "Weird" "selfish" "kids don't speak to him" before he moved to town and said he's leaving his inheritance to his family. Am I unfair to not want him to know when my kids stay with me and dh
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2002
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 12:37am
Yes, but Brother in Law's son and daughter haven't spoken to him in 15+ years. THat seems severe. Since I first posted, Brother in law moved 10 minutes away and sees my husband and my husbands cousine once a week. My husband asked his ex wife her opinion of BIL and she said :"I never cared for him, he's selfish". THat doesn't mean much, but I don't want the guy in my home or near my kids from previous marraige

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