Been happily married 5 years.
Welcome to the board :)Well in all fairness .. even though you have never met the bil,I guess it does make sense as one gets older to try to re connect with family.So I think your DH is doing the right thing .. mhoNow as for the allegation & that is all it is unless you have/get proof.Good idea on never letting either of your kids being alone with him.Set ground rules now before he moves to town .. kwim?Let him know you have heard things that make you uncomfortable & that this is how it has to be.Let's hear what others suggest as well so do check back :)
From what you've told us, it sounds like your DH is taking some reasonable steps to protect you and your family from any risk this man may pose. It's really unfortunate that the family gossip mill has gotten so out of hand. If all of these accusations are untrue, you are keeping a man from reuniting with his family for no good reason.
I have grown up around estrangements. I have an uncle I've never met; he hasn't spoken to my mom (his sister) or the rest of the family for over 40 years. My mom just recently reconciled with her sister who hadn't spoken to her for 25+ years. I have a brother who has more recently decided he doesn't want our family to be a part of his life.
Every case is different but I don't see the harm in your DH meeting with his brother as long as he is keeping that relationship separate from yours. As time goes on, you might consider the possibility of opening your heart to your BIL but it may never come to that.
Out of curiosity, is the BIL trying to connect with his other siblings as well? How do they feel about all of this? It might be helpful for you to have a family meeting to agree on how things should move forward with the BIL returning to your town.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh but you have never met this man and yet you refer to him as "creepy". You have tried, convicted and sentenced this man before you met him. All based on something a cousin said that they recanted. Personally I would concerned about this cousin who is spreading such maliciousness with no proof.
I work in a place where we see child molesters on a fairly regular basis. They are human being so they have fathers/mothers/brothers/sisters/etc.
You said what I been thinking.
Also there is
Couldnt it be so that the wife, cousin, daughter is hurt by
It sounds like the whole family has a lot of issues, both interpersonal and otherwise.
I stand by my assertion that your DH has a right to at least attempt reconciliation with his brother and he has offered steps to keep the risk to you and your children to a minimum.
I would suggest that you consider going to counseling, with or without your husband, to deal with your concerns. It may be that your preconceived notions about your BIL are preventing you from
Thank you for all the replies!
Things went well for a while and now a big snag.
First, if I may defend myself -- some people at forum said the brother in law may be innocent, don't be judgemental, exc. But I left out part of the story. The cousin (the one who said Ed is a child molester) only recanted her story after her husband found out she told me. When Ed first called town, he told cousin's husband he has $50,000 saved and wants to leave it to them in his will....basically, the cousin who accused Ed of being a molester re-canted after her husband (1) called me and said "who told you Ed is a molester? (he sounded angry that his wife told me and (2) after cousin was told by Ed he wants to leave her money....
Ed moved here. He and the cousin and my husband get together once a week. Husband knows I don't want to meet Ed and that's fine with husband. Another item I left out: the reason Ed's children don't speak to him....from what I've been told...is he divorced their mother to marry their mom's sister (he married his sister in law)....so when he did not contact family for 14 years, family members would say to me "Ed is weird" "I never liked him, he's selfish" exc. So no offense, but I'd heard only negative things before I was told he's a molester.
PROBLEM: I have kids. Husband said I never have to meet Ed and Ed will never come to our home (fine). Husband sees Ed once a week (Fine). I'd asked husband to not discuss my kids with Ed. Today, husband said "Ed asked about our kids (husband's stepkids) and how they like joint custody and what nights we get them" Husband told Ed what nights my kids sleep at our house. Fight ensued. I don't want my husband to discuss my children with his brother as he's been accused by famlily of being a molester. I already am creeped out that he's moved to town (after he didn't contact my husband for 14 years), and now my husband tells the guy what nights we get our kids. Husband angry at me, he said "Well, he doesn't know what schools your kids attend, and I think he's innocent, he seems fine to me" But husband's own cousin told us both Ed is a molester. So I was married for 5 years before this long lost brother showed up, heard his own relatives say he molested his own daughter (who is now 32 and will not speak to him) and husband mad that I don't want him to discuss my kids-from-prevoius marriage with Ed. I feel uncomfortable. IF my ex husband found out that my kids step dad hangs out with alleged molester and discussed our kids, my ex would be angry. Advice?