questions about fidelity

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2008
questions about fidelity
31
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 7:43am

I have a few questions for those of you women who are happily married. This is more directed at the ones who have been married a long time over 7 years. I am asking these questions because my marriage has hit a big bump, and I am trying to get perspective from women who are in happy marriages with truly good men.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 9:54am
Hi & welcome to the board :)

We've been married almost 31 years,
Will give these questions a try.
Everyone is ifferent so .. keep that in mind.


1. Do you believe that most men cheat at some point in their life?
Speaking from my own marriage ..
No I do not .. love & marriage=trust, honesty & respect


2. Do you think that most married couples who grow old togther have dealt with infidelity at one point and the women or men chose to look the other way?
I don't know about most couples . just my DH & I
So will say no again


3. Do you allow your husband to look at porn, and if so, where is the line drawn? examples: looking at video, online chat rooms, hook up sites.
My DH is an adult & can do what he wants.
That being said he does not & never has


4. What does your husband show you that gives you security in the marriage?
Everything my DH does shows me security .. hard to explain
After all these years he is still the best & we love each other more than ever :)

Am sure others will share as well :)



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Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 10:34am

Welcome to the board. I'm sorry that it's a difficult time that has brought you here but I hope you will stay and get to know us and hopefully keep us updated as your situation improves.


I have been married for 13 years, 95% of those of which have been happy. LOL


1. Do you believe that most men cheat at some point in their life? ~No. I think that some people use the statistics as a defense for their own mistakes. While I admit that I don't necessarily know everything about every married couple I know, I am confident that I can correctly count quite a few couples where cheating has never been an issue.


2. Do you think that most married couples who grow old togther have dealt with infidelity at one point and the women or men chose to look the other way? ~Again, I don't presume that every marriage has encountered infidelity. There are couples that have dealt with infidelity and found a way to get through it, forgive and move on. That's not always a realistic or healthy option but it can work.


3. Do you allow your husband to look at porn, and if so, where is the line drawn? examples: looking at video, online chat rooms, hook up sites. ~DH and I have looked at porn together and found it not to be helpful to our marriage. As far as I know, DH does not look at porn alone and I don't press the issue because it wouldn't bother me that much if he did. Chat rooms and online hook-up sites cross over into an entirely different set of activities, IMO.


4. What does your husband show you that gives you security in the marriage? ~DH and I are very open and honest with each other. We have a great deal of trust established and we tell each other the truth, even when it may be painful. He shares his life with me and I share my life with him but we respect each other's rights to have our own interests and friends. An example is DH's gaming. He plays D&D with a group every Thursday night and every other Saturday afternoon. If I didn't trust him, I could suspect that he was involved in more nefarious things when he's gone. As it is, we joke about what a bunch of geeks they are and the group of them actually repel strange women. ;)


I sincerely hope that you can find a resolution to your current issues that is suitable for both you and your DH. Have you considered counseling? DH and I attended counseling and found it very helpful. We had gotten into a pattern where we weren't communicating effectively and were starting to resent each other. The counselor acted as an unbiased observer to help point out the things were doing/saying that were ineffective and hurtful and helped us reset those patterns.


RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2008
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 12:21pm
Thank you for all of your comments and well wishes. Unfortunately, counseling isn't going to help. He isn't going to go. I have done the counseling route with him on many occasions. A couple of years ago, he had told me he wanted out of the marriage and wanted a divorce. I have moved out and started divorce proceedings when he decided he didn't want a divorce. I moved back home, and he has been the man I thought I married up until last week. Two years of married bliss and I was actually a happily married person. I just was wondering for those of you who are truly happy if you have been this way most of the time, or just some of it. The people that do stay together, I wonder if they have issues similar to mine, or am I in a toxic marriage?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 3:48pm

1. Do you believe that most men cheat at some point in their life?
I'm not concerned with most other men. I'm only concerned with DH and I have trust in him not to do so.

2. Do you think that most married couples who grow old togther have dealt with infidelity at one point and the women or men chose to look the other way?
Again, I'm not concerned with other people. I don't believe that it will be an issue with us and if it was to occur I would definitely not choose to look the other way.

3. Do you allow your husband to look at porn, and if so, where is the line drawn? examples: looking at video, online chat rooms, hook up sites.
Yes, he looks at porn, but so do I, so it's not a problem with me. We met in an online chat room, but he hasn't visited them in several years. And there would be no reason for him to go to a hookup site. But there is no "allowing" involved here. He is a grown man and can do what he wants to do. I'm not his mother, someone who has to constantly monitor his online time.

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 5:08pm

Well, it isn't realistic to expect to be happy 100% of the time. Even the happiest relationship hits rough spots, due either to the individuals or to the circumstances they face together.


I think it's something of a red flag that he refuses to attend counseling. I would still say that inidividual counseling could be helpful for you. It's unfortunate that he won't be a participant in that but you can gain useful knowledge and skills for yourself even if he won't go with you.


Good luck!


RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 6:51pm
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 7:37pm

Well I am not at the 7 year mark but I'm on my second marriage (learned a LOT from my first)

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 10:16pm

Hi,

I am sorry to hear your marriage is struggling. Here's my answers to your questions:

1. Do you believe that most men cheat at some point in their life?
My husband and I have often discussed why some men cheat and why others don't. (Mine never has cheated on me.) We've come to the conclusion that many (not all) men may have the opportunity to cheat. Some act on it; others do not. My husband had some experiences in the workplace where he was approached by coworkers or customers(!) who obviously had "danger" on their minds. He simply holds up his lefthand and points to the wedding ring. Nuff said? :)

2. Do you think that most married couples who grow old togther have dealt with infidelity at one point and the women or men chose to look the other way?
I think some felt they had no choice but to "put up with" a certain amount of infidelity as the price of security, whether that's economic, emotional, or psychological. I also think they rob themselves of peace of mind and trust. How could you trust someone who doesn't honor their wedding vows?

3. Do you allow your husband to look at porn, and if so, where is the line drawn? examples: looking at video, online chat rooms, hook up sites.
I'll answer bluntly: Absolutely not! I consider this infidelity. I do not accept any argument that a man should be allowed to indulge is fantasies or "get off" because he doesn't have enough sex or some other thing. Pornography, to me, is simply empty physical vulgarity. It is void of any feelings, caring, or joy. It's just a graphic depiction of biology set to bad synthesizer music.

4. What does your husband show you that gives you security in the marriage?
My husband honors his wedding vows. He forsakes all others and puts me first. He honors God and by doing so he honors me as his wife (we are Christians) and he firmly believes in "one flesh." It is hard to explain without sounding like I'm preaching so I'll stop there. Suffice it to say, while my husband is not perfect - he has his flaws - he is constantly working to be a faithful and consistent spouse. And, so am I.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 10:26am

1. Do you believe that most men cheat at some point in their life?

NO

2. Do you think that most married couples who grow old together have dealt with infidelity at one point and the women or men chose to look the other way?

NO. However, I'm sure most people think about it. How could you not. There are always attractive people around. But, if you don't want to get divorced, you must stop yourself from making an illegal move.

3. Do you allow your husband to look at porn, and if so, where is the line drawn? examples: looking at video, online chat rooms, hook up sites.

PORN and Fantasy is fine. Real people, chatting, etc. NO. I don't like strip clubs, but I realize that I have to deal with that one.

4. What does your husband show you that gives you security in the marriage?

He is always affectionate with me and calls me all the time. I always know his whereabouts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 12:35pm
Great to see you here again Janie :)


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