?'s for u happily married couples

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2010
?'s for u happily married couples
15
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 3:08am

Hello All,


I realize I might be posting in the wrong message board but though I might get the answers or advice I might be looking for in here.


My questions for you all are, How did you know that the person you married was the one? Did you know right away? Did you second guess yourselves or hesitate any before you tied the knot?


The reason I am asking is truly a long story but I will try to make it as short as possible.


I am a 28 year old woman who has been married twice, once at a really young age(17 to be exact) because I got pregnant and again at 23, mainly because I was ready to settle down. Unfortunately I have been through one divorce and currently in the divorce process now. We have been seperated a little over a year.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 12:26pm

BT,


Hi. If you are not ready to remarry, especially immediately after a divorce, then DON'T.


If your guy such a good person

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2009
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 11:18pm

Hello,

I remember asking myself if R was "the one" when I first saw him sitting in the coffee shop. And the funny thing was that it was all based on looks-he looked like the man that I envisioned myself with. How shallow!

Having said this, I had a lot of second guesses when we were dating. And there have been times in our marriage that I thought that I could have been happier with a less difficult man (and he probably thought the same about me). I didn't want to leave him over it though but I do have to admit that sometimes I think to myself that in my next life, I'm just going to have pets. They're so much easier sometimes.

So in answer to your question-I didn't "know" R was the one. But the question did hit my upside the head when I first saw him and there was a feeling of what some would call "fulfillment." So perhaps this was my message from god that "he was the one."

-Jennie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 11:19pm
Hi bt,
Welcome to the board :)

While this guy does sound wonderful,
You said you find him a bit controlling ..
Sounds like you need to slow things down.
I do agree with the
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2006
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 11:57am

The question is: How does he treat his own mother? Also, how does his father treat his mother? My mother gave me this piece of advice from a very young age. At the time I thought it was so silly, but now, after nearly 6 years of marriage, I completely understand it. My MIL is an incredibly difficult person. She has severe OCD. I honestly cannot understand how anyone could live with her, but my FIL has been happy with her for 30 years now. He treats her with absolutely love and respect even when she is completely unreasonable. My husband grew up seeing this and you know what it taught him? That you treat your spouse with complete respect, even when things are difficult and that is exactly how he is with me

My husband has OCD and ADHD which makes him, oftentimes, very difficult to live with. I have depression and anxiety which I know makes me difficult to live with, but we went into marriage with the view that you stick it out. We have been through some incredibly difficult things, but we didn't give up because that isn't what we learned.

I was 18, he was 23 when we got married, so we were very young. We only dated for about 5 months before we got married. We clicked from the first date and from the first date he was someone i could see myself marrying. My mom taught me another great thing. She used the term "red flags." There are certain "red flags" that you see in someone you are dating that you know aren't right. In your case, it is the bi-polar, controlling nature. That is a serious issue. When these red flags come up and it makes you uneasy, then it is time to end the relationship. These types of small problems are only exacerbated by marriage. I think you need to realize that there are men out there that, (while there aren't any free of things that will drive you crazy sometimes) will still treat you with maturity and respect and continue to stick things out even when they are difficult. Don't settle for any less.





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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 2:07pm
Hi Diana,
Nice to see you here :)

So glad you shared your thoughts about this.
Good points you mentioned.
As well as what your Mom shared with you.

Hope we'll see you here again :)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 11:26am

Hi there hon, I actually have a few thoughts. First off, the mood swings, catch my eye, because I have a Psychology background. Mood Swings, can indicate bibolar. He needs to get his heath issues under control. Even if they are there, which is fine, my Husband has some issues, but he takes med's, and is aware he has some anxity issues. I've always been ok with it, even before he went on med's, but he and I both knew they were there, and we dealt with them. I think that you have to talk about those issues. It sounds like he needs some help, and you can be there for him, just don't get married, without addressing this.

On another issue, have you ever lived alone? Or been alone with no man? I was not ready to get married until I had been alone for awhile. Finding myself. My own person, a person who knows what she wants, and won't settle. You know what I mean? I know the feeling of "wanting to settle down". You have to be careful and do what's best for you, before you can be with another. I have a friend who got married around 23, and she wanted to settle down, and you could tell she didn't love him. I mean, as she was about to walk down the isle, I, as her MOH, said "are you sure?" Not the right words, at my wedding she said, "don't trip!" and a quiet I love you. She's real unemotional. It was sweet. Obviously she is divorced.

As for my Husband, and knowing he was the one. We were high school sweethearts, and broke up around 20, got back together around 24 (I'm 29). Now, he lived in Florida, (We're form Chicago) and we did have a phone relationship for awhile, and I spent about a month down in Florida right before he moved home. That month was pure bliss. I knew. I knew, I would never date again. I'm not saying we didn't have our troubles, we went to premarital counseling, we had a long engagement, and we had to really work on our relationship. Counseling is hard, life, marriage, is all hard work. We've really had to work on ourselves, and our relationship, then our marriage. Now, we are newlyweds, we got married September 2009, but every day is happy, but you have to work to be happy. I would really suggest you would do counseling wether it be premarital, or it to see if your compatible.

I don't think you should get married right away, and if he loves you as much as he says he does, he will wait until your ready. That's so important. maybe even do some individual counseling with all that you have on your plate. To me, it doesn't sound like a good idea to get married right away. he should understand, if he loves you as much as he says, you say, his friends say, etc, you know? Don't rush things. Get your self right. Make sure you healthy, and also as I had said, address his issues as well. I think if you don't do these things, you will end up in divorce again. This is my honest opinion.

I hope that something that i have said to you will help with your problem. I think down deep you know these are things you need to do. Hopefully, from all the wonderful women on this board, you will find answers, and the advice that you need. I wish you lots of luck.

HUGS! * Robyn 8

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 12:12pm

Welcome to the board! I've been married almost 14 years and while I don't consider myself an expert on any marriage but my own, I do think we have a unique opportunity with this board to gain insight and share with other people who are going through similar experiences.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 2:12pm

Hi,
I have important advice for you... First, you are still young- only 28. You already have a child, so you are not under pressure to get married and have kids. Even if you are, you have another 10 years to go fertility-wise.

You say he has terrible mood swings and he is one of the most difficult people you know. Could you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone like him? You have got a long life to live! You also say he is jealous and controlling. These are all red flags. Seriously, you've been through enough. You don't need this in your life.

My advice would be to wait and see what happens. Do not feel rushed to marriage because he says he want to marry you. It sounds to me like your gut is telling you this is not right. I truly believe if you are having a nagging anxiety about this, don't do it. Follow your anxiety, seriously.

If you need more advice, contact me.
Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 2:21pm

First of all I am going to echo the following. Its very well put and right on target IMHO.


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If your guy such a good person

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 3:32pm

I've been married for 20 years, been with DH for 27 years. So from the experience of a middle-aged woman, a few thoughts:

There is no such thing as your soulmate. You can be happily married if you meet the right person at the right place in your life, and you grow over time together, making adjustments, learning to communicate, and finding ways to love each other more and give more to each other.

I didn't feel that DH was "the one" when I met him, and I know very few people who do. It's a highly romantic notion, but I don't think it plays out well in real life. When I met DH, we were 20yo college students, certainly not looking for lifelong mates. In fact, I'd just gotten out of a painful relationship with someone I thought was THE ONE, and with whom I was extremely infatuated, who turned out (surprise!) to be engaged to someone else (so much for "knowing" he's "the one"). I work with several people now in their 20s who are seriously involved with people they knew back in high school but didn't actually date then - it's only as time has gone by that they've gotten to know them - again, obviously they weren't struck by a bolt of lightning and a voice didn't announce "he/she is THE ONE" - it took time and maturity.

There's NO good reason to rush into marriage. I was with DH for almost 8 years before we married. If the relationship is good, it's not going to disappear because you're not married. The fact that your BF is pushing you to marry him as soon as your divorce is final - and that you mention that he's controlling - is a big fat red flag. Usually wanting to hurry you into marriage means he wants to make you unavailable to other people, and if he's jealous now, it will not get better with marriage.

You can be happily married to someone with mental health issues (my DH suffers from depression), but that person has to be willing AND able to deal with them, for both his own sake and yours. If he'd rather be moody than see a therapist or take medication, that's not a good sign.

I'd seriously advise against rushing into another marriage. People will say there are always questions, but they should be the questions that no one can answer, such as, "What will our lives be like together in 20 years?" not basic questions like "Can I live with this person day in and day out?" - the answer to that one should be a resounding YES.

Kelly

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