Is seperate beds really hurting us?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Is seperate beds really hurting us?
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 10:39am


I am 31 and my husband is 32. We got married oct. 2010. So its been over a year and we have never shared a bed as husband and wife. (Exception being our honeymoon.) I have a daughter who is 8 and just recently started sleeping in her own bed. Before that she was in with me because thats basically how it has been since she was a baby. That transition was really hard but we have managed for the most part. Once she started sleeping the whole night in her bed, my husband was all excited to sleep in my room. (yes i consider it my room!) After about 5 minuted he started snoring, REALLY LOUD and I coulnd't take it. He also tosses and turns a lot and, the biggest problem for me (besides the snoring) is his phone has to be on 24/7. He is not a doctor but he is on call for his job all the time and must be reachable. This means that the phone can and has rung at 2am, 3am, all hours. He can usally fix the issue and go back to sleep but the way I am is that once I wake up, I am up. If it is 2am, then so be it. I have done dishes and laundry at 3am before because I have heard his phone from the living room and woken up. He usually sleeps in our third bedroom (i call it his room) but sometimes passes out on the couch.

If I am to be honest here, I like sleeping alone. It has been so long since I had a bed to myself that now that I have it, I am not really into sharing again.

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 11:20am

If your current arrangement were working for everyone, I would say that's great. I'm a big believer in every couple doing what works for them without judgment from outside sources about how you *should* do things. However, it doesn't sound like this arrangement is working for your husband and it sounds like his complaints are leading you to second-guess this decision.

It sounds like you have valid reasons for sleeping alone. Some of them are more easily accomodated than others. For instance, could you wear ear plugs to drown out his snoring?

It might help if the two of you sit down and go over all of the reasons you have for preferring to sleep alone and see if you can figure out compromises for them. Could he set his phone to vibrate and put it under his pillow so that it doesn't wake you? Would he be willing to see a doctor about the snoring? Can you invest in a high-quality mattress that dampens the effect of one partner tossing and turning? Would he object to you sleeping alone one night a week to catch up on quality sleep?

I hope that you can find a resolution to this that works for everyone. I don't think either of you is being unreasonable but I think you need to find ways to meet in the middle.

Please come back and let us know what you've worked out!


Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 12:21pm

Welcome to the board ;)

I can relate too well with the snoring sadly,
If this works for you both then so be it, LOL
However does sound like you maybe need to talk with him about it so he won't resent this down the road.
Let us know how it goes :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Tue, 01-24-2012 - 11:57pm
I am a wife, mother and work FT too. There lots of other ways to find some me time. I know it's hard.

But maybe your DH is craving that intimate talk that comes from falling asleep together? There is an intimacy there that I can't imagine you could replicate in any other scenerio? Without that intimacy, I too would feel as though my partner were just a roommate. Are you subconciously distancing yourself from that side of intimacy for a reason (I'm not saying you are but it's food for thought).

I think this issue might be bigger than it looks on the outside.

Hopefully you two can come to a compromise that works for you both.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Thu, 01-26-2012 - 7:16am

Obviously a compromise is in order.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2011
Thu, 01-26-2012 - 7:04pm

I don't know what to tell you - you have to make your own decision - you'll soon find out if this is an issue - I'm just not sure why you got married to be honest - if he likes to be alone - then I guess you have it made - married but living separate at night.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 01-27-2012 - 11:50am

hello!! so im the same age as you-and honestly-i can see where youre coming from. when we were living in old house-the one before this one-we didnt have central air and the room air conditioner we have didnt fit in our bedroom window. my dh couldnt sleep in the summer without a/c so he put the unit in the living room and slept on the couch. i would sleep in the room, in the bed, by myself and i loved it. i could sprawl out and didnt have to worry about him snoring or him tossing and turning. and i didnt have to worry about my tossing and turning keeping him awake. my dh gets up for work at 430 m-f and i get to go back to bed for a few hours...but my youngest dd-8-likes to come in and sleep with me. if i dont wake her up, she gets upset. so i dont have the bed to myself for an extended period of time. maybe you guys could do like a trial thing-maybe you could sleep in the same bed a couple of nights a week-and the other nights, its you-time. also who knows-you might like being inthe same bed after you have time to get used to it. good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2008
Sat, 01-28-2012 - 10:27pm

My husband and