Sex and Marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010
Sex and Marriage?
21
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 10:38pm
Lady's I have been having a bit of an issue latel. I am 25 and I am a Virgin and I am saving myself for marriage but a lot of the guys I've been talking too say they can't wait until marriage and say "its not natural or good for a relationship to wait that long" or say "you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it would you?" to me I have stood my ground this long and I am not backing down and want to wait until marriage but yet I don't know if that special guy will come and wait for me. What should I do?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 11:48pm

I wouldn't necessarily wait for marriage--but I would wait until you're in a solid relationship with a guy you care deeply about. If you have a great boyfriend who will likely end up your husband, then consider spreading your legs for him. Remember that nothing is certain--plenty of marriages lead to divorce. However, you're absolutely right not to give into pressure from men you're not solid with.

BTW, this advice is from a middle aged man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 11:52pm

Whats so wrong about waiting for marriage why is everyone not into it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 12:02am

Nothing is wrong with waiting until marriage. It's just very difficult when one has a long wait until the wedding. I am affiliated with Orthodox Judaism, a religion with strict rules about premarital conduct, However, I only was able to marry for the first time at age 44. By then, my patience had long worn out. It's painful having a male sex drive and no acceptable outlet. So, I was sexually intimate with two longterm girlfriends and also bedded my wife before our wedding.

I also want to mention that guys who don't share traditional religious beliefs are less likely to want to wait. What reason is there for them to wait? Additionally, people used to marry at younger ages---so less waiting time. The average age for a woman in the USA to marry in 1960 was around 20.

How long would you like there to be from first date to wedding date? If you want the process to take 2-3 years without sex, you are asking an awful lot from a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 3:45am
My ex and I were together for close to 4 years and he was happy with oral sex. I have never had intercourse sex becuz that type isn't happening until marriage.
Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 9:35am

I think it is possible to wait until marriage to have sex. I waited until DH and I were married to have sex for the first time. We lived together for several months before the wedding and had a number of discussions about where the line was drawn in regards to our fooling around.

The other poster illustrates some of the societal difficulty of waiting - there is an expectation that by a certain age, most everyone is sexually experienced. IMO, if you meet the right person and are honest with them about your values and wishes, they will respect your wishes and the two of you can figure out how to navigate a relationship sans sex.

I do find it interesting that you are willing to perform (and receive?) oral sex before marriage. It might be worth giving some thought to why that particular act is acceptable to you but intercourse falls outside the bounds of what you want to do before marriage.

RoseAnn

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 11:37am
It is possible to wait til marriage .. nothing wrong with that.
I guess i feel if a guy you are seeing is willing to wait .. is he worth it?




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 1:34pm
mrosie wrote:

I think it is possible to wait until marriage to have sex. I waited until DH and I were married to have sex for the first time. We lived together for several months before the wedding.... It might be worth giving some thought to why that particular act is acceptable to you but intercourse falls outside the bounds....

 

IMO, you also were playing with fire by living together for several months.

Those involved with my religion who are strict and well-behaved do not 1)stay alone in a secluded location with a member of the opposite sex and 2)do not even kiss or hold hands. Also, with many members of the Orthodox Jewish world, dating for marriage lasts only weeks and engagements average 3 months or so. Most marry young.  In addition, women avoid provocative dress---knees are kept covered, cleavage and bellies aren't bared, etc.

To make sure premarital sex does not happen and to also avoid awkward situations with horny guys, those are the rules to follow. 

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 2:17pm

I was raised strict Catholic so there were definitely some strong opinions from family and friends when we opted to move in together.

IMO, playing with fire is overstating it. We were two consenting adults. I had made my values known and my DH (fiance at the time) agreed to the guidelines I set forth. There is no reason that two people can't cohabitate, even sleep in the same bed, without crossing certain lines. If I had any concerns about his impulse control, we would have had other issues going into a marital relationship together.

RA

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 3:28pm

If the guy is wiling to wait until marriage that shows he is really respectful of your wishes and is indeed the one. My ex was waiting to wait but we didn't work out due to him saying our time was dead and gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 6:46pm

>>Whats so wrong about waiting for marriage why is everyone not into it?<<

One could equally respond "what is so wrong about having sex before marriage and why is everyone not into it?"

Thing is, different people have different expecations from life, love and relationships.   It's OK to wait for marriage and it's OK to not wait for marriage.     The important thing is respecting other opinions in society.  And it's equally important to continue to look for someone who holds the same ideals as us.    

In your first post, you ask what you should do.   If waiting for sex isn't negotiable, then there's nothing you can do but continue on the same path.   Yes, your dating pool is severly diminished, but this is the consequence of the choice you've made....and that's just the way it is.  

 

Pages