Sexless marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sexless marriage
15
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 1:29pm
I would like to know if anyone else suffers from a husband that is no longer interested in making love. He's a good man otherwise, but no intimacy. I am very lonely and feel unwanted and unattractive. I want some romance, but how do you deal with someone who doesn't? Help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 2:22pm
I go through this every once in a while, how long have you been married? Sometines my husband is so busy he doesn't have time to think about sex. Sometimes me too. I make sure he knows that I still find him attractive. I am very proud of him and I let him know he is my hero. It's the little things that get lost in the days hustle and it's up to the ladies to remember them. Good luck, Heather
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 2:28pm
I guess I have a few questions...First, is this a recent event or has it been a long time? Have you discussed this with him? I am curious as to his reasons. I ask because there may be some medical issue that could be the problem. And a lot of men can be embarrassed by the problem.

You have to open up the lines of communication and find out the problem. It could be medical, it could be psychological, but without knowing where his head is, all I can really offer you is hugs and hopes that you two find a way to talk about it.

~Karen


 Karen


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 3:06pm
We actually are having similar issues, only it's me. I am a SAHM, my youngest is 8 months old and still not sleeping through the night. We're not doing anything because I am just too tired. It has occurred to me that I just don't have the interest, period. I don't care if I never have sex again. It has started to bother me quite a bit, and I told my dh what was going on. We've talked about it, and he's been great, very understanding, which made me feel a million times better. It's been the opposite too, he was taking a medication that *really* affected things. There are a lot of issues that could be causing it. It's obviously troubling you, so I would suggest you talk to him about it. It's hard to know the right thing to say to you without knowing more, like how long this has gone on, but please please don't blame yourself. I'm sure it has nothing at all to do with you!

Hugs!!

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 3:27pm
I understand just how you feel because I feel the same. My husband has lost all interest in having sex with me, and I am hurt and confused. I have tried to talk with him about it, but he just says that he has no desire and doesn't know why. And our sex life used to be great. I paged through your other replies, but I didn't see where you received any answers. I wish I could help you, but I am at a loss. I have just been patient and waiting him out. It is difficult, though. If you hear of anything, please let me know. I'll do the same.

Good luck,

Jenny

Avatar for nmillerhhi
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 7:57pm
I have a sexless marriage too. My dh is 54 and I'm 52. We've been married 15 months and love each other very much. We are very affectionate, always flirting and touching, hugging and kissing. He just has NO desire for sex. He does work long hours but even on the weekends there's no sex. It bothers me sometimes but yet I love him so much that I try to ignore it. I've tried talking to him about it but it just upsets him.

I don't know what to do. He won't go to the doctor.

Nancy

Avatar for patgalca
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 9:07pm
There are a lot of variables to be answered here. How long have you been married? How long has this been going on? Do you only have sex once in awhile, and if so, how often? Is he working too hard? Does he work late a lot? And, this is touchy, but is he still interested in the marriage?

One thing someone told me is that all marriages go through dry spells. It just happens. And the other thing is something my husband told me. "You bit** at me all day and then you expect me to want to make love to you?"

Don't know whether you watched Dr. Phil today because it was exactly this subject. I think it is important to have emotional foreplay... little hugs, kisses, pats on the butt, compliments, helping out around the house... little things like that can turn on the desire in someone.

Hope I've helped.

Keep happy,

Pat

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 10:08pm
I would like to say that I have found myself where you are today. The first thing you need to adress that it is not you. Maybe your husband is having emotional or physical promblems. One suggestion is to make your bedroom a "love nest" give it a whole new look if your're able. Place candles around the room, get some of that aromatherpy oil, and last but not least some lingerie or sexy pajamas. Beware, do not do this all at one time do it in increments. When all things are in order just come in and start dancing for him stand on the bed if you must and then just kiss his face and hands and ask him if you can give him a massage, and see if that helps, if not try some erotica stories from the local book store. I hope he comes around but, remember to keep trying different things
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 12:16am
Well, I have been doing everything from working out, losing weight, being the best stepmotjer I can be. I give up. Now he is leaving me after I did all the things that he told me were bothering him. Sex two times a year after a great sex life and marriage for 18 years only adds up to one thing to me. he is in love with someone else. So so be it. i have to take care of myself now before i hang myself on the prettiest tree on the block. I am so sad, but I will get through it. Face life girls. Your husbands are probably all cheating......
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 7:32am
Hi there,

Our sex life was hurting from the start of our marriage. When we did make love it is wonderful, however it had become more and more infrequent over the past year (we're only married 2 years). I couldn't understand why this was happening because we didn't have intimacy problems before we got married. My husband would give me a variety of reasons (tired, doesn't feel like it right now, not sure why, etc...) After a lot of searching for answers I discovered my husband had been doing drugs(cocaine)! That was about 2 months ago and since then he just completed an excellent outpatient treatment program and doing really well. I found it hard to believe that I lived with my husband for 2 years and didn't know he was doing drugs but he made a point to hide it very well cause he was so ashamed, and not to mention we were working opposite shifts which allowed a lot of alone time for his addiction to get progressively worse. I'm not saying that this could be your husband's issue or reason why he has lost interest in sex but I guess my message is to keep trying to figure it out (before finding out about the drugs I tried so many ways to figure it out from being more sexually assertive, old-fashioned communication, marriage counseling,etc.)

Finally discovering the drugs caused a lack of sex drive for him was the last thing I thought would be the reason, but now that it's all out in the open and he is on the road to recovery our life in so many ways has improved!

I wish you luck, & don't give up cause you deserve to have a fulfilling intimacy and sex life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 9:41am
Please do not assume that everyone's husband who is having a 'sex" issue is cheating. There are so many other factors.

I am sorry that your marriage did not work out, but am glad that you are taking care of yourself. You have every right to be bitter if your husband fell in love with someone else, but just because he did, does not mean everyone else's will. The other woman here that are having problems are here looking for support and that is what we are here for.

 Karen


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