Spouses and friends of the opposite sex....where to draw the line?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2011
Spouses and friends of the opposite sex....where to draw the line?
10
Mon, 08-01-2011 - 2:00pm

Hi

I'm new to this board and curious to hear your feedback on whether it's ok for your spouse to have friends of the opposite sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008

My DH has a few female friends and I have no problem with it. I know one of them had a crush on him but she's a baby compared to us. He was approaching her while I was in the car waiting for him and I saw the look on her face when she first saw him. I know that look! But she just liked getting his advice on things and he looked at her like a little sister. They are friends on facebook. And he has a best friend from elementary school that he goes to concerts and stuff I won't do. I know these women are "okay" bc I am welcome to hang out with them and they have added me to their face book pages when they added him. The "baby coworker" got drunk at the office xmas party and kept going on and on about how lucky I was. I just told her she'd find someone too - the men in her age bracket are just too young right now.

The thing is that I trust my DH completely. Whether I trust the women or not, doesn't matter bc nothing can happen if he doesn't let it happen. He would never risk losing me over something stupid. I know this.

I agree with you that meeting this women is a very good sign. But you asked him to cut off contact and he has disregarded this. I think you need to ask him why he didn't discuss this change w/you before he went ahead? Did he think that was a limited time thing? LOL. I think he just didn't think about it bc he's not doing anything to worry about. But let him tell you and have a discussion about what you are comfortable with and what you aren't. He sent inappropriate texts to women so it's much harder now.

Good luck - my best friend is a male and DH had probelms with that at first. But we've never said or done anything that would be inappropriate. My friend has lots of female friends in r/ships and frankly I think it bothers him that men find him so harmless, LOL ;-) But he is a "noble" gentleman and I use that outdated word on purpose bc it fits him.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008

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Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010

Hi & welcome to the board ;)

Hmm well you need to talk with your DH about this gal I would say
Ask him if they are just friends or is anything else going on?
If he has been honest in the past then probably no reason to worry.
Just remember communication is the best thing you both can do to resolve this or anything else
Good luck & let us know what happens :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2011
Thanks ladies. I really do want to believe it's all good/platonic, its' just hard. Until last year i totally trusted him. He's had me feeling like I made a mistake being so trusting (if I had been psycho lady monitoring his every move, would he have done it?). But then again if this is going to work in the long run, I will need to learn to trust him again. I just am left wondering, if he has contact with her, who else does he have contact with?

And yes I totally think that he thought it was a limited time women friend suspension. LOL. He never flinched when he said he told her to come meet me so it's clear he thought nothing of. But I do agree he probably thought it would have been too tense if he brought it up in advance.

I will talk to him - you are right. We have a big vacation planned next week - no kids - so mabye I will wait until after we get back to have the talk. Just to keep things drama free on the trip.

Thanks again! :) Made me feel better to read your posts~
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004

Friends has no genders in my and my husband mind , they are just friends but if my husband would start flirting with a friend they are no longer friends and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Well said!
Thank you :)




Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000

Neither DH or I have ever had an issue with jealousy but we've also never given each other reason to distrust our opposite-sex friends. His closest friend at work is his female supervisor and my long-time mentor is a male coworker from a previous job.

Do you have a double standard? Reining in his interactions with women but continuing your own with your male friends implies that you can be trusted but he can't.

If there have been issues in the past and he has not honored your request to keep his distance from specific women (doesn't seem fair to ask him to cut off ties with all his female friends), maybe it's time for the two of you to talk to someone in order to gain some outside perspective.

Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild once it has been broken. There might be compromises on both parts so that you can reach a resolution that works for both of you and allows you the freedom to have the friendships you desire.

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2011

Very well stated indeed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2011
Without going in to too much detail, we have been there and done that with counseling. My interactions with my male friends are out in the open where his have been more covert. He knows my male friends, and has from day one while some of the women he texted with I never had heard of before let alone met. I don't want to go into too many details of what happened a year ago, but trust me that any self respecting woman/wife would have insisted that all communication be broken off. Our therapist agreed.

No double standard I assure you. Just a women once bitten, twice shy :)

Trust is very difficult to rebuild, been working at it for a year. outside of this incident, we have been doing ok. I don't know if you have been through anything like this but when you are trying to make it work, and they do something to bring you back to that dark place, it brings up some serious inner conflict. I posted the question for some outside anonymous perspectives.

Thanks for sharing yours!
Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000

I'm glad that you are getting helpful input on the board.

I think counseling can be helpful as an ongoing solution. As you mentioned, it's difficult to present the details with enough clarity to get adequate feedback on a forum like this but a counselor that you work with on a regular basis can become more familiar with the overall situation and help you navigate the right paths.

I do understand what you're saying on the difference between friendships that are out in the open vs. being kept secret. If there's nothing going on, there's no reason for secrecy, right?

Good luck to you!

RoseAnn