Tell Me Am I Crazy Here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Tell Me Am I Crazy Here?
14
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 12:26am

ok so figured maybe some of the happily married people in here can help me out with some insight and advice especially the women b/c no one knows women like women lol

So quick run down, ex and I separated April 2010 divorced Feb 2011. She dated a guy on and off for a year after separation thought he was the one only to find this old high school friend wasn't. Here's my problem Early April of this year after she finds out I decided to test waters and date she realizes she is still in love with me. After a death in the family she came up and stayed for 4 nights and 5 days to be here

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 3:19pm

What is your specific question? It looks like you are asking:
Why would my xwife associate with a man who does not share my values? Well, maybe your xwife doesn't share your values...could that be one of the reasons your marriage dissolved? If so, you have your answer.

You don't know what his wife has done to him or what the real situation is...you are getting one sided information from a third party. This third party is also "playing" the two of you off of each other. It sounds like she needs/wants attention at a level that involves ego...but I am merely speculating here. She was dating this man and then slept with you...if you are concerned about whether this man gets his children to buy mother's day cards, why are you not concerned about the moralistic actions of you and your xwife here? Are your children not confused when your xwife shares a bed with two different men in such short periods of time? (IOW, worry about yourselves first before casting stones)

The other note, friends don't share beds together so no, he is not a "friend". He is a romantic partner who obviously is not going to encourage your xwife to go back to you - what fantasy are you living in??? If your xwife DID come back to you, WHY would you want her to stay friends w/her xbf/HS sweetheart? I seriously doubt your r/ship would stand a chance if she did?

The whole "I'll lose him as a friend if I come back to you" is just an excuse. If she really loved you enough to spend the rest of her life w/you - that wouldn't matter an iota. Excuses are a great way to sit on the fence and not make a decision.

If I were you, I would move on. She only wants you bc she doesn't want anyone else to have you - she likes having you on the back burner.

Good luck whatever you decide,

Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 6:53pm

HI & Welcome to the board :)

Am a bit confused about what you are asking ..
Although I have to say I do agree with the op ..
Maybe you need to sit down & talk with your x.
See what she & you want.
Good luck & let us know how it all goes :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 7:11pm

I guess maybe I have been a little hypocritical yes as I don't see why she would want to assosciate w someone who didn't want us to be friends who doesn't even attempt to set a good example to his own kids. Yes I was verbally abusive in the past and have worked very hard at being someone I am happy with over the past 18 months. I guess my thought was we had over 12 years together and and 2 amazing children so I could see why she wants to maintain a good and healthy friendship with me over him.

I have tried talking to her she says she just wants friends with both of us and see's no issue simply sleeping in each of our beds when there is nothing go on. I don't think she thinks about the example she is setting for our children especially our daughter. When I try to have more serious conversations with her she basically shuts me out as she says she can't deal with everyone else's drama. Today I told her I don't get how she can tell me do what I want date etc just don't tell her but it's perferctly ok for her to sleep in his bed even if nothing going on between them when she has sworn to be faithful and loyal to me, sorry I just think her sleeping in his bed crosses the line. Even if we aren't together a verbal commitment is just that you don't go sleep in your ex's bed when you swore to be faithful and loyal.

However I have decided after we take a 2 days trip with our children monday that I am done. I am not going to feel disrespected anymore and like my feelings and emotions just don't matter. I have been there for her, helped her, been the only 1 to really recongnize her 30th birthday a week ago and been her emotional outlet and now I have things I wanna discuss things I have emotions about and she don't wanna deal with it. So after the trip basically make communication as minimal as possible. Maybe one day she will realize what she is doing and what she wants as I know exactly what I want. She don't even apologize for the ways she hurts me and I just keep going on like this when she pulled me in only to push me away though she blames me b/c I went too fast when I have been waiting 18 months to hear her say n mean she is still in love with me. She thinks I should have this magical off switch to emotions like she does well I don't work that way I wear my heart on my sleeve.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 8:01pm

Hi there,
Well one thing as the op said .. friends don't sleep together, LOL
So she is getting what she wants from you both.
Not sure why you would want someone like that.
Understand on the having been together for all those years.
However people change & sounds like you both have.
Perhaps yes a good choice you have made after this trip.
Time to move on .. no one can tell you you shouldn or shouldn't date.
Good luck




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 8:12pm

Hopefully with the counseling I am starting on the 7th I can get my head together a little more. You ask why I would want to be with a person like her, well 1 aside from some mistakes she makes like right now she is an amazing mother, she is sweet, compassionate, forgiving and understanding though not always demonstrating it right now. She has always stood by my side until things just went wrong somewhere, and I never feel anywhere as good as when I am with her. She truly is an amazing person and I just can't imagine my life without her but somehow I have to find the inner strength to squash those feelings till she is ready to commit 100% and it hurts like hell bc for 6 weeks we had a whirlwind of love and passion and everything seemed to really be going the right way and direction and then bam it all came to an end and once again I didn't have a choice in the matter, her fear is getting in the way of seeing me for who I truly am and allowing her to follow her heart or at least that's my feelings on it. I just feel like my heart has been ripped out once again after I spent a year repairing it and I just don't know how to go thru this again

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 10:25pm

Great on the counseling,
Hopefully it will help.
Good luck & let us know how things are going :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 1:36am
1) there is no "aside from mistakes she makes right now" - our actions come from the core of WHO we are and WHAT we stand for. We can pretend all we want but the truth is this: if it goes against the core of who you are and want you want in life, you don't do it.

2) she is not a good mother bc you wrote yourself in the last post that she is not setting a good example for your daughter. Children learn by modeling their parents so any parent modeling undesireable behaviour is not being the best parent they can be. I am a parent and my children come FIRST. Sometimes I want to yell at my hubby about something but I stop myself and remember he is the father of my children and they should NEVER hear that sort of thing in their safe, secure home.

3) she has HURT you. She is HURTING you. Maybe you still want and love her bc that is what you are used to? Has that become your "norm"...a comfortable place for you? Continue to explore that in counselling bc only by addressing that can you truly have a healthy and fulfilling r/ship. One where both partners respect, listen and communicate with each other. They grow, learn and share together. It sounds like you are working on yourself and improving but your xwife is not...you are already emotionally leaving her behind and she doesn't seem to want to work on herself.

4) how you claim to feel good when you are with her when she doesn't listen to you...she turns away and tells you she doesn't want to listen to your drama? Can you not see this is rejection? How can that feel good? Or are you missing the closeness and intimacy of a r/ship? The partnership of having someone to confide in, lean on and be your sounding board? You don't have that anymore so let that go and realize that you will have to build that up again with someone else...and it will take a lot of time and effort. But most things worth having are not easy...but they don't have to hurt or filled with drama and love triangles.

Good luck and I hope you find your peace,

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 3:15pm

2) she is not a good mother bc you wrote yourself in the last post that she is not setting a good example for your daughter. Children learn by modeling their parents so any parent modeling undesireable behaviour is not being the best parent they can be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 6:37pm
There is something you need to realize here - you don't need to share with her in order to get healthy and happy. Everything you wrote contained, "I tried to tell her"..."if I told her that"...etc...why must you SHARE any of it w/her? It almost seems like your only motivating factor for counselling/advice/healing is directly related to HER...that is NOT healthy. In fact, if you find your own inner peace then if/when your r/ship resumes you will not have to rely on her and the two of you will have a much better balanced r/ship.

I was not trying to say your xwife was a bad mother - I was merely pointing out that your #1 reason for loving her was "good mother" even tho you contradicted that with "not setting a good example for our daughter"...not all ppl make mistakes..surprise! my hubby gets so fustrated when I point out his mistakes bc he says it isn't fair that he has none of mine to point to...am I perfect? heck no and I wouldn't want to be...but I am thoughtful and considerate. I think through my actions. If/when I think I am off the path of "who I want to be and what I want to project into this world"...then I correct my actions immediately. Saying "ppl make mistakes" is just a way of excusing behaviour. I'm all for forgiving ppl but first you and they have to admit what was done is wrong.

I love to say the world is black and white...all the gray areas are just places ppl like to make bc they don't like their black and white options. They are the "I don't know" areas when we really know. You keep saying your xwife is sacred...sacred of what exactly? How do you know what her inner voice says? I think you are romanticizing your r/ship and that it why you are struggling. A strong marriage is based on respect, love, understanding and sympathy. There is no fear...if there is then you are probably sunk.

Honestly I would listen to the song "I will survive" (I prefer the Cake version) and give it some real thought ;-)

I am firm believer in "if it's meant to be - then it would have worked the first time!"

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 10:53am

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