Tell Me Am I Crazy Here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Tell Me Am I Crazy Here?
14
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 12:26am

ok so figured maybe some of the happily married people in here can help me out with some insight and advice especially the women b/c no one knows women like women lol

So quick run down, ex and I separated April 2010 divorced Feb 2011. She dated a guy on and off for a year after separation thought he was the one only to find this old high school friend wasn't. Here's my problem Early April of this year after she finds out I decided to test waters and date she realizes she is still in love with me. After a death in the family she came up and stayed for 4 nights and 5 days to be here

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 6:12pm

My husband and I were seperated for a while.We attended Retrouvaille and our marriage is better than ever.Sure we have disagreements but we are able to work them out do to this program.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 12:06pm

Dee I try and share things with her b/c we both agree we want to have at the very least an amazing friendship. With friendship comes communication and if I don't convey to her that somethings she has said or done has hurt/stung me and bothered me it could potentially build up into a ticking time bomb so to speak inside of me if I let it fester. So yes I communicate with her and try to always keep open the line of communication between us.

As for my own healing yes there are things are directly related to her b/c I do want to bring us back together and I feel like daily I try to prove myself to her and show her that she can have faith and confidence and trust in me. But at same time yes I need to find a way to cope with everything that is going on and help myself continue on the path I have chosen to never be the monster I was that failed our marriage and be the husband, father, person her and our children always hoped I would be and fix the relationship with my kids and whatever I can fix with her and I whether a new marriage or just friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2011
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 10:40am

I know I'm going to be the odd ball here, but I say keep trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 11:11am

p
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 10:53am

p
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 6:37pm
There is something you need to realize here - you don't need to share with her in order to get healthy and happy. Everything you wrote contained, "I tried to tell her"..."if I told her that"...etc...why must you SHARE any of it w/her? It almost seems like your only motivating factor for counselling/advice/healing is directly related to HER...that is NOT healthy. In fact, if you find your own inner peace then if/when your r/ship resumes you will not have to rely on her and the two of you will have a much better balanced r/ship.

I was not trying to say your xwife was a bad mother - I was merely pointing out that your #1 reason for loving her was "good mother" even tho you contradicted that with "not setting a good example for our daughter"...not all ppl make mistakes..surprise! my hubby gets so fustrated when I point out his mistakes bc he says it isn't fair that he has none of mine to point to...am I perfect? heck no and I wouldn't want to be...but I am thoughtful and considerate. I think through my actions. If/when I think I am off the path of "who I want to be and what I want to project into this world"...then I correct my actions immediately. Saying "ppl make mistakes" is just a way of excusing behaviour. I'm all for forgiving ppl but first you and they have to admit what was done is wrong.

I love to say the world is black and white...all the gray areas are just places ppl like to make bc they don't like their black and white options. They are the "I don't know" areas when we really know. You keep saying your xwife is sacred...sacred of what exactly? How do you know what her inner voice says? I think you are romanticizing your r/ship and that it why you are struggling. A strong marriage is based on respect, love, understanding and sympathy. There is no fear...if there is then you are probably sunk.

Honestly I would listen to the song "I will survive" (I prefer the Cake version) and give it some real thought ;-)

I am firm believer in "if it's meant to be - then it would have worked the first time!"

Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 3:15pm

2) she is not a good mother bc you wrote yourself in the last post that she is not setting a good example for your daughter. Children learn by modeling their parents so any parent modeling undesireable behaviour is not being the best parent they can be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Sun, 05-29-2011 - 1:36am
1) there is no "aside from mistakes she makes right now" - our actions come from the core of WHO we are and WHAT we stand for. We can pretend all we want but the truth is this: if it goes against the core of who you are and want you want in life, you don't do it.

2) she is not a good mother bc you wrote yourself in the last post that she is not setting a good example for your daughter. Children learn by modeling their parents so any parent modeling undesireable behaviour is not being the best parent they can be. I am a parent and my children come FIRST. Sometimes I want to yell at my hubby about something but I stop myself and remember he is the father of my children and they should NEVER hear that sort of thing in their safe, secure home.

3) she has HURT you. She is HURTING you. Maybe you still want and love her bc that is what you are used to? Has that become your "norm"...a comfortable place for you? Continue to explore that in counselling bc only by addressing that can you truly have a healthy and fulfilling r/ship. One where both partners respect, listen and communicate with each other. They grow, learn and share together. It sounds like you are working on yourself and improving but your xwife is not...you are already emotionally leaving her behind and she doesn't seem to want to work on herself.

4) how you claim to feel good when you are with her when she doesn't listen to you...she turns away and tells you she doesn't want to listen to your drama? Can you not see this is rejection? How can that feel good? Or are you missing the closeness and intimacy of a r/ship? The partnership of having someone to confide in, lean on and be your sounding board? You don't have that anymore so let that go and realize that you will have to build that up again with someone else...and it will take a lot of time and effort. But most things worth having are not easy...but they don't have to hurt or filled with drama and love triangles.

Good luck and I hope you find your peace,

Dee
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 10:25pm

Great on the counseling,
Hopefully it will help.
Good luck & let us know how things are going :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2008
Sat, 05-28-2011 - 8:12pm

Hopefully with the counseling I am starting on the 7th I can get my head together a little more. You ask why I would want to be with a person like her, well 1 aside from some mistakes she makes like right now she is an amazing mother, she is sweet, compassionate, forgiving and understanding though not always demonstrating it right now. She has always stood by my side until things just went wrong somewhere, and I never feel anywhere as good as when I am with her. She truly is an amazing person and I just can't imagine my life without her but somehow I have to find the inner strength to squash those feelings till she is ready to commit 100% and it hurts like hell bc for 6 weeks we had a whirlwind of love and passion and everything seemed to really be going the right way and direction and then bam it all came to an end and once again I didn't have a choice in the matter, her fear is getting in the way of seeing me for who I truly am and allowing her to follow her heart or at least that's my feelings on it. I just feel like my heart has been ripped out once again after I spent a year repairing it and I just don't know how to go thru this again

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