Thinking about a past love

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Thinking about a past love
8
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 2:04pm

Okay, so I am happily married to may husband but for some reason this week I can't seem to stop thinking about my HS sweetheart / fiance. We dated through HS, engaged at 20 and broke it off at 21. We both realized we were too young. We stayed in touch and hung out for about two years. Until he met his now wife and they now have two children and a baby on the way.


For the past three nights I have had crazy dreams about him and for the longest time when I dream about my husband he has my ex fiance's face. I wouldn't dream of contacting my ex; A) he is married with children and that is disrespectful to him and her and B) I would never do that to my husband and of course even if i called my ex i don't have anything specific to say to him.


Part of me just misses him like crazy though and sometimes I wish I could go back in time and marry him and have a family with him.


I know this sounds so crazy. Nowhere in my mind am I thinking

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 2:28pm

Welcome to the board!


I think it's natural to look back on past relationships with rose-colored glasses. Although you may know that there were very good reasons for you to break up and go your separate ways, when you reminisce about an ex sometimes the problems seem less real and you focus on the better aspects of the relationship.


I would try to do your best to focus on the aspects of your current relationship that you are happy with. Take the time to write your DH a love note or plan a special night out to rekindle your emotions.


I have been in sporadic contact with one of my ex-boyfriends. We were even friends on Facebook. And then I found out that he was recently convicted of a sex crime and it reminded me to be thankful that we aren't in each other's lives anymore.


Good luck! I hope you'll stick around the board so we can get to know you under better circumstances!


RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 4:01pm

Thanks RoseAnn:


I think what eats at me the most is the biggest reason we broke up is I felt like I was having to give up too much of myself for the relationship and didn't want to that. Yet, fastforward a few years and I gave up my job, friends, and family to move out of state to be with my husband while he finished medical school. I keep shaking my head at myself. Although my husband and I are happy we have had our share of problems (i.e. his ex-wife and child). But we are working on those problems.

Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 5:09pm

Again, don't beat yourself up too much over your past (or present) choices. You are a different person now than you were then. And there's

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 5:32pm

I hold the opinion that dreams are just dreams. They're just your brain's freeform arrangement of thoughts that you have in the daytime.

I'll share a dream I followed through on about 15 years ago - nothing to do with husbands, but maybe an interesting analogy. We had moved to a new town. I had tried the Catholic church that I thought was nearest to me (I'm a lifelong Catholic), and didn't like it. I'd frequently pass by a pretty white Presbyterian church that always seemed to be bustling with activity, and I kept dreaming about it. Finally I decided to try going to a Sunday service.

Well, I was there for about 10 minutes when I thought, this is just wrong. Christ is not physically present in the Eucharist here. Yes, where two or more are gathered in His name, He is in their midst, but it's not the same thing as Catholic Eucharist. (And no offense to any non-Catholics, but it clearly wasn't right for me.) I realized what I was dreaming about probably wasn't about that particular church, though the physical structure had captured my imagination - it was a longing for the *right* place of worship and a place where I felt at home spiritually. Not long after that I found another Catholic church and that has been my home for 14 years.

And that was the last time I gave any credence to a dream that was telling me to do something that was obviously not right for me.

Everyone thinks about what might have been, because basically it's not what *is*, which is what we have to deal with. You already know this isn't something you should act on. I'm sure that sooner or later, you'll stop dreaming about (and daydreaming about) your ex and move on to something that is more joyful *now*.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 7:04pm
HI Mrs.g,
Welcome to the board :)

I agree with the op on this,
It is a dream & dreams are usually just that.
Also you are a different person now than you were before.

I actually have an old flame that
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 4:46am

Try to find your self, cause that is what your brain is looking for.

I do also dream about my ex from time to time and well it mostly weird dreams and yes I am in contact with my ex cause he, I and my husband are all friends.

Hanna_road_sigfife.jpg Siggy2 picture by Sofus_The_Cat

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2009
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 10:20am
Thanks for all the replies. Aug 29 will be one year. So we are fairly new to the marriage thing. His son is 9 and the bio mom makes thinks so difficult. Sometimes I just want to pack a bag and go stay at a hotel for awhile until she gets over her bout of craziness and normalcy returns. I hopeful that as the child gets older she will back off. As for the dreams; I think I was feeling guilty cause Im next to
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 3:33pm

Hey, I can relate on a different level. I have dated many people, (I'm 29) I actually married my high school sweetheart, he's 32, in Sept. We did have a break, but we got married Sept, 19, 2009. Our break was from about 20, -24. So, as I have dated many people, not physical relationships, you know, dinners, and such, I consider that i have only been in Love twice. My Husband, Beau, and Sid. Sid.

Sid I have known for a long time, he lives in California now, we are all from, and we live around Chicago. Sid and I are still friends. Not good friends, but keep in contact. I think it is hard when you have loved someone. I make sure that Sid and I are at a safe distance with our friendship, and I am honest with my Husband if i see him for lunch when he visit's home. I also make sure that Sid respects our marriage. he did not respect our engagement. So I did not talk to him, or if he made a comment, I hung up on him. We have a healthy balance now.

He is not a friend that i will give up, he was there for me when my Dad died, and other big events. SO I will not just end our friendship. Beau understands this. Sid has also become respectful of my marriage. That needed to happen, i pretty much said to Sid, that I didn't think he respected the fact that I was getting married. He said that I was wrong, although I don't think I was, but after i said something things changed, for the better.

By keeping a distance, and keeping loyal to my Husband, it has been no problem, for me or my Husband, having this friendship. I just think you need to know your limits. I do know how hard it is when you've loved someone. Sid will always have a special place in my heart. There is a saying, it goes something like, "When you've loved someone, you give them a piece of your heart, and that person will always keep that part of your heart.' Something like that, it's a pretty saying. It's true too, at least I think so.

So, I guess after telling you my story, I don't think anything your going through is abnormal. In fact, I've read before that when you dream about something, or someone, like that, you want to be closer to the person, not sexually, just friendly. Who Knows?! Welcome to the board!

Good Luck!

* Robyn *

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