What would you tell that woman if you could?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
What would you tell that woman if you could?
9
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 8:17pm

I'm pretty sure all of you married girls have at least one divorced girlfriend or co-worker who is grown up, 30s, 40s or 50s, perhaps even a mom, who just never seems to get it right with the losers she dates.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2011
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 9:16am

There are a few women in my life that are like that. I know I haven't made the best choices when I came to my ex's. Some were crazy, some were liars, some would get.. aggressive. After a while you start to feel like you will never do better. That all you attract is losers so maybe that's what you deserve.

I saw this with my mom. She's on her 3rd marriage. The second marriage was a nightmare and completely tore our family apart. I moved across the country to never move back, my brother was made to live with our father until he passed. My mom has kicked my bother out more times than I can remember. He has recently been diagnosed schizophrenic. This 3rd marriage.. well.. it's not as bad as the second.

My MIL isn't in a great relationship either. My step FIL is mean. He likes to yell at her and my SIL (who's 8). He's not violent, but sometimes words can be just as painful. Especially what I've heard come out of his mouth. Plus he does nothing around the house. My MIL isn't in the best health and has had to live in filth because of him. Child services almost took my SIL away because of it. He thinks it's all the social worker's fault.

What I want to scream to these two very important women in my life is why?? Why is it so necessary to have someone in your life that you have to settle for abuse to get it? These two women are surrounded by family that would be happy to help them at a moment's notice, but instead they insist on keeping the person that drives others away. That hurts them. Is it so horrible to be single that you'd rather get smacked, yelled at, cussed at, called names, left in sickness to live in filth, have drugs in the house. Is that REALLY so much better than being single!?

I've been there and done that too. I never married any of them. Especially not had kids with them.

Women need to stand up and say it's not okay. We need to not feel like it's being mean or selfish or picky or b*tchy when we find something wrong with a guy and leave him right away. Some things are not worth fighting through. Stop focusing on what you don't have and enjoy what you do. So what if you're divorced. Live life! Find some clubs or activities, do fun things for yourself or with friends and family. Don't feel like you need to find a husband because you don't want to be "alone." How is being treated badly better than being alone? Be picky!!

I have a single mom friend in her mid 30s. She has fun with her kids, has fun with her family. She would love a man, sure. She even almost wound up in a bad relationship. She turned it down. He wasn't honest. She didn't settle. It gives her the opportunity to find someone special. We all deserve someone great. No one deserves abuse.

You are wonderful women who deserve to be HAPPY and healthy and SAFE! There are people who love you who are willing to help you if you need. YOU DON'T NEED TO SUFFER!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 4:41pm

I was that woman. I was with someone for 12 years who was a drug addict/alcoholic, who physically, emotionally and verbally abused me. I almost died twice, once by my own hand and once by his. Thank the Goddess I never had any children with him. But I knew that I did that I'd be basically raising the child by myself, because my ex was never around, refused to work, was either off with his buddies or in prison.

Why did I stay? A lot of it was fear. Fear is a very powerful emotion that refuses to let you go. I was isolated, had no friends or family around me. I couldn't turn to my family for help anyway. Once I attempted to explain on the phone to my father what was going in my marriage. He told me in no uncertain terms that my marital problems were my own fault, that I had to deal with my marriage myself and that I was to never call home about it again. So I never did. Whenever I talked to my parents I lied through my teeth. I did that for years. My father went to his grave never knowing the truth and my mother doesn't know the truth even now.

Another reason why I remained was that my self-esteem was in shatters. I was so focused on my ex, what he was or wasn't doing, the best ways not to get him mad so that he wouldn't hurt me, that I lost myself in the procees. I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted. All I could do was survive from one minute to the next. I attempted suicide and when I survived you would think that would've been a turning point for me, but I still remained with him for a few more years. It was when he attempted to murder me that my true survival instincts kicked in. I literally ran away from him. We were divorced in 1996. I haven't seen him since 1998.

What would I tell my younger self from so long ago? I would tell her that good sex doesn't equal love, that you shouldn't marry someone simply because he pays attention to you, that you don't need a man in order to live a happy and fulfilled life, and that you can make it on your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sun, 03-27-2011 - 5:13pm

My advice:

1. Dont walk into the marriage like a lamb to slaughter.

2.

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Sun, 03-27-2011 - 6:59pm

Don't be in a hurry
Get to know the guy for a bit
Make sure you're doing what you're doing for the right reasons
Remember you are well worth it & deserve only the best :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Mon, 03-28-2011 - 12:37pm

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Avatar for mrosie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2000
Mon, 03-28-2011 - 2:37pm

It's hard for me to answer this because I was fortunate to meet DH when I was young and we quickly got engaged and married and have been married for almost 15 years. I don't really have experience in the dating world so I don't think I fully grasp what must go through someone's mind when they are determined to find Mr. Right, no matter how many Mr. Wrongs they encounter along the way.

The first thing that comes to mind, though, is to find a way to be happy on your own as a single woman. Not only will you develop healthy interests and the ability to both take care of and entertain yourself but you will then exude a confidence that only comes with that knowledge. Instead of attracting men who are looking for someone to take care of, you will meet someone who is prepared to be on an equal footing in a relationship with you.

I work with a woman who very much wants to be in a relationship (she is widowed) but can't seem to find the right person. She is also unwilling to give up her traditional ideas of dating and relationships. When she goes dancing on the weekends, I've encouraged her to let a guy know if she'd be interested in going out with him. She says she could never do that but I don't see why a woman can't make her feelings known. You don't have to walk up to a man and say "Hey, Baby. What's your sign?" But there are plenty of ways to initiate conversation so that a man knows you're interested!

RoseAnn

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 4:02am

Thank you all for your responses.

Avatar for hugss
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Tue, 03-29-2011 - 11:49am

Good to see you here again,
Remember I believe there is a soul mate for everyone out there
So hang in there & you will find yours & he will be just the one :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Wed, 03-30-2011 - 1:26pm

p