Am I over reacting? feeling not appreciated

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2013
Am I over reacting? feeling not appreciated
3
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 11:14am

ok, this is my first time posting:

My Boyfriend (we have been together for 5 years) & have been living together for 2 years, he has two kids (21 & 24) both are great kids......I feel like I go above & beyond to make sure that by Boyfriend and his kids are taken are of but I don't feel appreciated....it's the simple things like...How are you? do you need help with anything?(without asking) would you like a piece?  For instance, I bought them something for Easter nothing much (chocalate bunny for Easter) and I didn't get a thank you & they didn't take them home.  Am I over reacting?

fyi, I mentioned this to my boyfriend & he thinks I'm being too sensitive....

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 9:07am

Hi Doormat--

((hugs))) to you!

FWIW---I'd be feeling the same way as you.............so, maybe we're both "over sensitive", LOL.....

Looks like the kids were older teens when you started dating your BF, ........obviously no one taught them manners very well........................my (similar ages) SK's dont do much "thank you-ing" either, although they have the decency to pick up the "gift" of whatever and at least take it out the door with them.....?!

I suppose you could nicely ask them if they meant to leave (chocolate) there, you didnt want to eat it if they meant to take it with them..........then they'll say they really dont eat chocolate or some other excuse for not wanting/taking it, so next year you wont feel obligated to purchase anything for them......?  (although you neednt feel obligated as it is).

Not sure what situation was with their mom/your BF's exW, and how that has shaped how they act?  

One scenario I can think of is that the exW/mom is "fine" with being treated as a doormat, and so they've learned to just do that..........

Other scenario I can think of is that exW/mom is excessive crazy/nasty towards BF and his relationship with you, and SK's dont want exW/mom to see any "evidence" of their relationship with you, as that provokes raging tirades in exW/mom (that's what's happened over here)...........

I guess my thoughts are primarily that you should try to ignore the SK's behavior, because you cant really do alot about it, anyhow.  They are going to be in your life because they want to be in their dad's life....and they might mature later and be nicer/more cordial.....or not.  But main thing is you dont have much control over thier behavior.

Your BF, however, is a different matter, .....as you live with him, and you can effectlvely CHOSE how to allow people to treat you.............so that is more of an area to decide what you want to do something about.

(((((hugs!!)))

BEST WISHES....and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 9:58am

I don't think you're being sensitive at all.  I think your boyfriend is rude and so are his grown adult children.  Maybe manners have never been important to them, which is unfortunate.  You can't do anything about the "kids," but if your boyfriend insists on behaving like a caveman, then I'd stop going out of my way for him.  You already talked to him about how his behavior makes you feel, and he blew you off.  That kind of behavior is disrespectful.  Why do you want to be with someone who marginalizes your feelings?  If the relationship is important to him, he *should* (keyword) have the common decency to listen and make an effort.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 7:54am

doormat45 wrote:
<p>ok, this is my first time posting:</p><p>My Boyfriend (we have been together for 5 years) &amp; have been living together for 2 years, he has two kids (21 &amp; 24) both are great kids......I feel like I go above &amp; beyond to make sure that by Boyfriend and his kids are taken are of but I don't feel appreciated....it's the simple things like...How are you? do you need help with anything?(without asking) would you like a piece?  For instance, I bought them something for Easter nothing much (chocalate bunny for Easter) and I didn't get a thank you &amp; they didn't take them home.  Am I over reacting?</p><p>fyi, I mentioned this to my boyfriend &amp; he thinks I'm being too sensitive....</p><p> </p>

More than what you've written, I'm struck by the screen name you chose. 

My first piece of advice is to stop "going above and beyond" for ingrates, that includes your boyfriend.  Anyone who would brush off the rudeness of his grown children by saying you're being too sensitive would stop getting the "above and beyond" from me--let him shift for himself from now on.

My second piece of advice would be to move out.  His sex cannot possibly be that good that it's a good idea to turn yourself into a doormat for him and his rude grown children.  Get your own place and regain your perspective.  You are not being unreasonable in wanting to hear a "thank you" or simple things as you mentioned: what you're being unreasonable about is setting your self adrift for this man and this relationship, especially when he ignores his grown children's rude behavior and then belittles your feelings by saying you're being oversensitive...  he's telling you that as far as they are concerned, you're never going to win.  He will never defend you or stand up to them for you--understand that right now.

You deserve way better treatment than that and you don't need to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like this... you would do far better out of this when it comes to the preservation of your self esteem.  It would be far better to be alone than to be with someone who discounts and debases you the way this man does.  If someone is going to  love and esteem you, it should be you first.