HAVE NO ONE TO TURN TO FOR ADVICE...AM I CRAZY?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2013
HAVE NO ONE TO TURN TO FOR ADVICE...AM I CRAZY?
6
Wed, 04-03-2013 - 5:17pm

I dont have anywhere else to turn I dont have anyone close I can go to for advice I just need some unbiased perspective so please dont be hateful please. Im looking for advice not judgement.

Im 28 yrs old. I have been married twice yes thats right twice. The first was a result of my "puppy love" and teen pregnancy whom which I had my daughter w/ when I was 17. We were together all in total 3 1/2 yrs married for yr and half. My second lasted for 7 years whom I had 2 sons with. I have been the one to leave in both situations. My second marriage was an open marriage for the last 3 years. It is a long story, but needless to say neither one of the 2 guys were right for me. Now, I live with my current boyfriend we have been together for a year. He is the 100% complete opposite of any guy I have ever dated looks, personality, etc.He is amazing! He treats me like a princess. I have never been treated by anyone the way he treats me, I never even knew guys like him existed. The whole dynamic of our relationship has been nothing like my past 2 we dont fight (we disagree) but no screaming or volitile behavior at all. But here is the problem...

 

I am my own worst enemy. Because of my trust issues I don't know how to really be happy I guess? I'm convinced that he is only this good to me for an ulterior motive or that he is trying to "pull the wool over my eyes"  so to speak. He has never given me a reason to doubt him in fact he has done the opposite even putting an app on his phone so I can put my mind at ease knowing where he is. My wheels in my head turn all the time,it causes me heartache and Im constantly having anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know this actually isn't about him that it's about me and my own insecurities. I can't ever seem to let it sink in that I would be good enough for him. I done this with my ex husband to (the 2nd) but the truth is he was not good enough, but this time I finally got it right and Im so going to screw this up. I don't know how to convince myself not to do this. I will make myself crazy obsessing about all the things that could be being hidden from me. I will just break down in tears b/c I feel like he is lying to me about loving me b/c there is no way he could feel the same way about me as I do about him. Am I crazy??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2008
Wed, 04-03-2013 - 8:35pm

I happened to notice your post as the "hot topic" when I was on the message board home page. 

From my perspective your reactions make sense based on your past experiences but any changes in thoughts and behaviors take time.  

It's often easier to be on the defensive than to let the guard down because it can be scary to vulnerable.

Maybe one option is to list the behaviors that show you he truly does love you in a healthy way and maybe over time you can continue to remind yourself that you are worthy of his love and you can start to build trust.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 12:31am

You're very right, the problem is your lack ot trust, because you don't believe you deserve to be treated decently, and you "know" he'll figure it out and be just like the rest of them.  If you continue to mistrust him, he will get sick of it.  What you need to do is find yourself some professional help to build your own self esteem.  You also have 3 children who need a Mother who loves herself enough to be a good mother to them!  You're so busy worrying about your relationship that you're short-changing your children.  If you don't have insurance and you can't afford therapy, there are places that will charge according to income, and even some are free.......you just have to look around, check with social service agencies in your area and they can direct you.  Good Luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2013
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 8:27am

I know your past relationships have tainted your ability to trust men but it sounds like you have good guy now.

I can't tell you what to do because I don't know the whole story but I can tell you that no guy likes the Spanish Inquistion and to be accused of and constantly apologizing for stuff he didn't do and things others have done to you in the past.

This puts us in a no win situation (not that relationships are about winners and losers mind you). If we defend what we do, it makes us look guilty. If we say nothing and/or just try to be supportive, we look guilty because we're not communicating.

No one is perfect. Everyone has darkness but communicating with him will reassure you and him.

One thing I can say is that things have a way of becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. If you constantly assume he's going to do something to disappoint you, he will. Whether it's real or imagined on your part.

I'm not suggesting you just take abuse for the sake of the relationship but looking at it in a positive fashion will be beneficial.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 8:12am

QUOTE:

I will just break down in tears b/c I feel like he is lying to me about loving me b/c there is no way he could feel the same way about me as I do about him.


That also makes it sound as though you've got some self-esteem issues/eg: feeling "not worthy" of his love, etc...............so that is a very "workable" situation to deal with in a counseling situation----and dealing witht that will most definitely help you with EVERYTHING going on in your life, now plus later----so you really owe it to yourself and your kids (and BF)-----but mostly to yourself to do this :)  ----

There's the thing the airline attendents always say in their spiel before a flight---re: putting the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others----you really DO need to take care of yourself FIRST, to be of better service to others-------so dont deny yourself this by thinking it's "selfish" or something else-----

You are Worth It.


((((((((((hugs))))))))) and BEST WISHES!!

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 8:05am

Brandy1716 wrote:
<p>I dont have anywhere else to turn I dont have anyone close I can go to for advice I just need some unbiased perspective so please dont be hateful please. Im looking for advice not judgement.</p><p>Im 28 yrs old. I have been married twice yes thats right twice. The first was a result of my "puppy love" and teen pregnancy whom which I had my daughter w/ when I was 17. We were together all in total 3 1/2 yrs married for yr and half. My second lasted for 7 years whom I had 2 sons with. I have been the one to leave in both situations. My second marriage was an open marriage for the last 3 years. It is a long story, but needless to say neither one of the 2 guys were right for me. Now, I live with my current boyfriend we have been together for a year. He is the 100% complete opposite of any guy I have ever dated looks, personality, etc.He is amazing! He treats me like a princess. I have never been treated by anyone the way he treats me, I never even knew guys like him existed. The whole dynamic of our relationship has been nothing like my past 2 we dont fight (we disagree) but no screaming or volitile behavior at all. But here is the problem...</p><p> </p><p>I am my own worst enemy. Because of my trust issues I don't know how to really be happy I guess? I'm convinced that he is only this good to me for an ulterior motive or that he is trying to "pull the wool over my eyes"  so to speak. He has never given me a reason to doubt him in fact he has done the opposite even putting an app on his phone so I can put my mind at ease knowing where he is. My wheels in my head turn all the time,it causes me heartache and Im constantly having anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know this actually isn't about him that it's about me and my own insecurities. I can't ever seem to let it sink in that I would be good enough for him. I done this with my ex husband to (the 2nd) but the truth is he was not good enough, but this time I finally got it right and Im so going to screw this up. I don't know how to convince myself not to do this. I will make myself crazy obsessing about all the things that could be being hidden from me. I will just break down in tears b/c I feel like he is lying to me about loving me b/c there is no way he could feel the same way about me as I do about him. Am I crazy??</p>

No. You're not crazy. 

Your problem is that you don't love yourself nor do you see or hold any worth in yourself, so you cannot believe it when your boyfriend says and demonstrates that he loves you and esteems your worth.  You equate love with being lied to, being debased and all the other negative treatment you've put yourself in line for through your past relationships. 

The reason why you wont' let this go is because you have to be right: about not being loveable or worthy or good enough--and you wont' rest until you prove yourself right, even if it includes driving off a good man who truly cares for you.

You need to get into a therapist's office and pull out by the roots the mechanism that is driving you to discount yourself and your worth if you don't want to lose this guy.

And even if you do lose this guy, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to be by yourself for some time instead of running from one bad relationship to another to a good one that you cannot recognize or want to sabotage because it's not fitting into a paradigm that has been serving the needs of your low self esteem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 11:27am

You;re insecure and need to talk to a counselor.It's not fair for someone else to pay for your insecurities and they haven't done anything wrong.Talk to someone to deal with your issues.