He's not talking about things that bother him

Avatar for jana307
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2012
He's not talking about things that bother him
Fri, 09-27-2013 - 5:22am

I'm wondering how you girls are dealing with occasions when he doesn't share or talk about things that are bothering him. I know that he has troubles at work but it also affects us at home. So sometimes it makes me feel that he's distant. It's hard to always convince yourself nothing has changed between the two of you. I rather talk things out and it's easy for him to understand me and my behaviour, but he doesn't do the same (he's not that type). I tried encouraging him to share but mostly he's very brief about it. I don't know how to handle it, making sure I'm not pressuring him. I get a bad feeling that he's also annyed with something between the two of us and just doesn't want to make a big deal out of it. I can't take not talking about things and clarifying them! :)  What do you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 09-27-2013 - 10:51am

If he does say something about work, just listen and empathize, but don't try to fix the problem or offer advice.  You've possibly taken this approach before, I don't know. Maybe he feels like he'd be put in a poor light in your eyes if you knew what's going on at work. As far as communicating with him about you two, I once asked my husband what I do to make him feel loved the most. He said when I scratch his back. You might want to tell your husband what he does to make you feel loved the most, and then ask him the same question. I also sometimes ask my husband if there is something I could be doing to make our relationship better. Or if there's anything he wished I'd do or wouldn't do to better the relationship. When you ask these specific questions, you can learn about what's going on in his mind, if he's willing to share. If he's not willing, be honest and tell him you're concerned about the barrier you feel between each other, and want to knock that wall down to feel closer. In the meantime, if he's feeling distant, try to connect by rubbing his feet or back, make him his favorite meal or dessert, try lovemaking in different places of the house or go away for weekend, pack a picnic to eat by a lake or the beach. Hopefully he'll respond positively and reciprocate by reestablishing an emotional connection with you. Good luck.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 10-08-2013 - 11:25am

 Men do not "talk things out".  The male program is to fix it.  Women will talk about something forever.  Do not expect him to come to you and talk.  You are not supposed to "handle it".   Best is to let him think it through.  If he has something to say he will in his time. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 11:27am
Well ideal situation and behavior is to share and clarify any pent-up issues and get on with life but there are some people who do not like to bother their family with problems at work or else where. I guess if he is not willing to open up, do not press him. In my case, I have found reverse strategy to work the best. Do not make an effort to ask him the reason, just be cheerful and make environment at home as pleasant as possible, conducive enough to loosen him up a bit and share with you every thing at his own sweet time.