I am planning on moving in with my boyfriend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
I am planning on moving in with my boyfriend.
3
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 1:14pm

Hello,

I am 25 and living with my parents. It's time to leave the nest so I began apartment hunting for myself. After searching for weeks, I decided it made most sense to move in with my boyfriend. Everything is great between us, I will probably marry him one day, and I am at his place most of the time anyway. I moved in with him and then we ran into a problem with one of his landlords. Long story short, I am living with Mom and Dad again and the two of us are looking for a place of our own.

Here is my little dilemma. My boyfriend is looking into renting and buying. If he finds a house to buy, I will obviously live with him. However, I am not ready to get married and I feel as though I don't want any legal ties to the house. Is it stupid for me to feel that way if I will be helping him pay a mortgage? I talked to him, my family, and friends about it and I don't know what to do. In my mind, even though I feel he is the man I will spend years of my life with...I only met him last July. I feel I am too young and I would feel much better making a big decision regarding marriage and investing when I am closer to thirty and have been with my boyfriend for a little longer.

If he does buy a house...he would make the down payment and the house will be in his name. If I move in with him I will help with the mortgage/taxes of course. It would be like he was my landlord and I was paying him rent. If we part ways in the future for whatever reason I will get nothing. I feel as though I would be alright with that because it's not like I am putting ALL of my money into the house. I would rather pack my things and move out if we were to break up and I would happily leave him with everything. But maybe that's the wrong way to feel?

A friend of mine suggested a pre-nup even if we don't get married. Still, that's legal stuff and I wanted to avoid that. I told my boyfriend that if he goes the house route to make sure he can afford it on his own if I were to leave.

I know the best thing to probably do would be to rent with him for a few years and then buy a house together. However, he's the kind of guy who would love to have his own house. He would take care of it. He's had a house before, but sold it when he got divorced. He is totally up for renting, but feels if he is going to move again...then he just wants to invest in something.

I would love your opinions.  

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Fri, 07-05-2013 - 1:55pm

"remember he will be getting to take a tax deduction because he is the home owner plus he will be building up equity"

All landlords build up equity. As long as you are just paying rent, and your share of utilities, like a normal renter anywhere would, I don't see you getting into any other financial ties with this guy, at least until you're ready to do so, like when you're engaged or married. In some way you have to keep the arrangement business like in your mind and really shouldn't be thinking along the lines of, "Oh, I'm helping him invest so I should get more than a tenant who isn't his girlfriend." Any tenant, girlfriend or not, is aiding a landlord financially as long as the tenant isn't destroying the property.

I would suggest a least be signed, not a pre-nup. It can be a month to month lease, and you can agree to have a deposit or not have one; it's just good to get terms in writing, and if you're on good terms it shouldn't be an issue that causes distress in your relationship. If somehow getting it in writing is an issue for either one of you, though, that's a red flag that you might not want to live together at this point.

Personally, I own my house and my significant other pays rent to me. I pay all of the utilities and don't really go into how much the monthly bills are with him--I just know that his rent payment helps with that enough for me to be happy with the contribution. I don't feel used, and he does get some satisfaction from contributing, too. You both just have to decide what is comfortable for you financially. Oh, also, please don't expect to have a huge say in which house he buys--I do think it's best that if you two do get married in the future that you plan on getting a new home together at that point.

Liz


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-06-2013 - 11:21am

I think Laurena had a good idea.  I think your idea of not wanting to buy a house is really smart when you haven't known this guy too long.  You would in effect be paying rent so don't get into the trap of thinking that you have to pay 1/2 the mortgage, taxes, utilities, etc.--remember he will be getting to take a tax deduction because he is the home owner plus he will be building up equity, so if you can agree on the payment before hand (or maybe you could pay certain bills like utilities & buy food as your contribution).  It also gives you a good chance to see how each of you are at handling money & bills.  A pre-nup is really worthless unless you are actually planning on getting married because basically it says "we're going to get married, after the marriage my stuff is mine & yours is yours in case we get divorced" with other variations, so why would you do one unless you are getting married?  If you stay single and don't own property jointly, then it's obvious who owns what.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 9:33am
Hi Anonymous-- WELCOME! Nice to see someone posting here--(board not that active ) Anyhow, it sounds to me as though you have a good head on your shoulders..... Since you're not ready to make committment to marriage, I think it's wise to not make committment to mortgage/other financial ties with BF at this point, either. I think what you want to do is figure out what rent you can afford----I'm going to assume youve been living at parents for primarily financial reasons----so, what would you be paying if you moved out of parents---what could you afford? Would you need to share apt with roomates, and if so, what rent/utilities/etc could you afford? I would say to figure out what amount of payment you could afford for all of those things if you were to leave your parent's home, and tell your BF that you can afford to contribute that much. (period). Then, let it be up to him to figure out what he wants to do/feels he can afford to do. As long as you are looking at that as "rent", and both of you feel OK about it, then that seems fine to me? What you DONT want to happen is feel you are contributing MORE than you would in other living situation, ....so that instead of putting extra into savings for yourself, it's going to his house payment ----and then you leave, and have no savings/no stake in house. Also....I realize this is "living together" board,.....but I'm old enough to be your mom, and one thing to consider when you mention having only known him from last July, and feeling not ready for more major committment yet-----THIS IS VERY RESPONSIBLE OF YOU to recognize this-----and, once you move in,....you are REALLY limiting your "other" options................... So, you might think again re: waiting longer to live together, when you feel more sure of situation...............I'm just saying dont feel compelled to rush into anything............... But I think the win/win is to figure out what's reasonable for you to pay, and give him that figure, and let him do the budgeting re: whether or not he can afford to buy a house. BEST WISHES---- Hope to hear more from you soon! ;-)