Is it leading towards marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Is it leading towards marriage?
8
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 8:32pm

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We are both in our almost late twenties. We both currently live with family in order to save up money as well. He is actually looking to purchase a home within the next year or so due to certain circumstances  (long story but he has only a year or less). He doesn't want to spend money living in an apartment if he doesn't have to. We pretty much live together on the weekends and see each other once or twice during the week. It honestly is the best relationship I have been in..it just fits and everything seems to fall into place when I am with him. He is very loving towards me, contacts me often, affectionate, genuine to other people. I just know in my heart he is the best person for me and the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. We don't have these long winded discussions about our future but we do say to each other in a sweet voice how we love each other forever and ever. He has said that he knows in his heart we won't ever be apart. Little comments or jokes have come up such as by the time we are married we are gonna be 300 lbs due to certain junk food we have been eating. He mentioned one time that he kind of figured when he got the house that I would be coming with him. He also mentioned he knows it is a big step because most couples start off in an apartment together, not a house. One time I mentioned maybe he should look at open houses himself and he said he doesn't need a 3 bedroom house if I wasn't going to be there in the future, he could just get a condo.

Realistically i understand him being practical with us not getting a house financially together. It's been a year, we aren't engaged yet etc..I can't afford to buy one on my own right now and he is looking to do this soon so he doesn't spend money on an apartment. He said he wants to work alot of OT so I don't have to worry about that. In my mind I know he is just being smart and wants to be the sole owner of the house for now which is completely fine with me.

I guess I would like to be engaged before moving in or atleast one year after. I don't want to live with someone for 2 or 3 years and not have a committment. He did mention one time would you really want me to ask you for financial help if I didn't have enough for a downpayment etc before our relationship was even progressing? So it kind of told me we won't be engaged within the next year. I would just like the gesture of committment. I also know he is very concerned with saving right now so I don't see him purchasing an even practical priced ring for me right now.

It's on my mind but I also feel in my heart it will eventually happen. I am just not sure if I should just continue with the easiness of how things are now and not complicate or rush things by adding pressure. It would basically be me asking i would like to be engaged before moving in or within 6 months after etc.

Should I just let things ride out for now and see what progresses?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 1:55am
From your description, it is very clear that your relationship is on a very strong footing and future prospects also look promising. I think when you both decide to move in permanently, you can ask him about getting engaged or does he plan to live in for a long period of time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Mon, 12-30-2013 - 6:17pm
This is an old message, but I noticed that no one pointed out that if the house is in his name and they are living together but not married, any money she contributes towards the mortgage should be framed as a sort of loan to him. This way, if things break up, she can claim some of that money back. I have a couple of friends who were in cohab situations where the guy owned the house but the woman contributed 50% or more of the expenses. When the break up came, neither woman had any legal claim on the property though she had contributed to the equity (by paying half the mortgage and sharing other expenses). The guy claimed in one case that the woman had been paying "rent." In the other case, the guy said that her contribution to "living expenses" didn't mean she had a claim on the house. (I have heard of cases where the reverse is true--where a cohabiting person has claimed that s/he has contributed to the mortgage and so forth and so is entitled to a share of equity. But in any case, the point is the same.) If you are not married, any financial transaction should be clearly identified so that in the event of a separation, no one is taken advantage of. Best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 10-15-2013 - 8:51pm

Hi Ge--

I agree with musiclover , and would add that you might feel better with a conversation simply telling him how you WOULD see yourself married/engaged, etc----and you dont need to state it as an ultimatum to him, simply telling him your feelings (since he's not asking)....and you dont even need to ask so much re: his feelings---just letting him know yours................and when he mentions you moving in with him, .....be honest that you'd love to.........but you're not ready to do that til married....and you're willing to wait until he's ready..........

the other advice re: enjoy the present is very good advice, too..........just let him know your thoughts re: marriage etc.....it's who you are and what you're looking for.......no shame in that at all!!

((((((((HUGS)))))))))and best wishes!

Keep us posted!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 10-08-2013 - 11:21am

 Be practical.  Money is very important.  Buying a house before your careers is in full swing is inadvisable.  There is no reason to have an albatross of a mortgage around your neck.   Times have changed and won't get any easier.  Put career and smart investments(that can be easily liquidated and in your name) first. 

   Yes, it is in our social conditioning.  But also watch your health.  Marriage is not what it was and to be very aware of the pitfalls is only prudent. 

   

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 10-08-2013 - 2:34am

Based on the things your bf has said to you, it sounds like this relationship could eventually lead to marriage, assuming that you two continue to be compatible in most ways. In how many years, I have no idea. Living together is a good way to test that compatibility. If getting engaged is a prerequisite for living together, then make it an unofficial engagement...if after living together for a while you two realize you are not so compatible, at least you don't have to publicly break the engagement.

Since you are not comfortable discussing the issues then leave it be for now. The answers you want can only be supplied by your bf but if you feel that it would create too much pressure, then the relationship may not be far enough along yet. Since it will be another year before he gets a house you have plenty of time to see where things go. If he is planning on you living there and helping with the payments then you should let him know your feelings about living together without engagement or marriage.

Some couples know by one year that they want to get married, other couples take much longer to be certain. It can be influenced by past relationships, especially serious ones that failed. But if you feel like you cannot discuss with your bf these relationship issues that are on your mind then you need to look deeply at the relationship and at yourself to figure out why not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 10:52pm

I don't think there is any way for strangers to know if your relationship is heading toward marriage.  If you want to know, you need to discuss it w/ your BF.  This isn't putting pressure on him, it's a reasonable question to ask.  "Do you see us getting married someday?  Is marriage important to you?  How long do you feel that people should know each other before getting engaged?  How long do you think an engagement should be?"  This is an ongoing discussion.  You should also share your feelings.  You could tell him that you do not want to live with someone if you are not engaged, which I think is not a bad idea if you don't want that never-ending living together that never turns into marriage.  And by the way, do not confuse being engaged with getting a ring--there is no requirement that you even have to have a ring, although I know most women would like one.  My cousin, who has been married at least 25 yrs, never got an engagement ring--they both decided to get their MBA's so maybe they felt it was more important to save money on tuition.

I also want to say that the fact that you are in a good relationship doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to get married, which is why it's important to have discussions about what you want.  When I was in my early 20's I dated a guy for a little over a year.  We discussed marriage in general, like "I'm not ready to get married now, but in a couple of years, I could see myself marrying you."  Then he changed his mind and didn't want to be with me any more.  I don't want to be a downer but a year or 2 is when you get to know each other very well & then you both either decide to move forward or if there is no forward movement, then people might break up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2006
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 9:43pm

well i guess my question is does it seem to moving in the direction of being engaged, marriage etc. I don't want to spoile what we have by bringing up this subject so soon..he seems to be committed and like he wants to be with me forever but I guess I want to ask about being engaged within the next year or year and a half.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 9:03pm
Enjoy the present. Be happy. If he is'the one' it will work out. If he isn't, you will learn a lot about yourself and what you want from a relationship by being part of this one. If he asks for your input on a house, be honest with him. But don't move faster than feels right to you. Trust yourself!