Marriage proposal coming!? 5 year relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2014
Marriage proposal coming!? 5 year relationship
22
Sat, 01-25-2014 - 3:43pm

ok my boyfriend and i are together 5 years February and living together 2 years and 3 months. We are living with family right now to save up and we would have been out last year in our own place, but family issues happened and i decided i would help. my boyfriend always said 3 years for any jewlery (he gave me a beautiful necklace 21/2 years in. A month after i moved in) and 5 years to at least get engaged. but he is still on and off about it, it seems like if i say i want something he says opposite But when i don't mention marriage he talks about it.  I asked whyyyy does he do this but all he says when i asked him last year "to through you off so your not expecting it, it will happen soon just not this year(2013)".

Ever sense our friends got engaged he has been more open about it and one day before christmas his sister and i were talking about "our" wedding, his sister like "dan said you want a 2000 dollar wedding", Im like "huh yeah, he told you that?" she says "yeah i know nothing though" then my boyfriend comes in room "what you talking about" and told him "apparently you said to your sister i want cheap wedding"...he didn't say anything but stayed and kinda joined in our conversation about our future wedding. I hinted about getting married at 26...we are 25..:my boyfriend says "haha noo way 27...30..maybe 40 even"..im like "30 ..40 seriously?" he just winks at me.

my whole family thought maybe it would happen christmas because way he was bringing it up for awhile and his family but christmas day no ring, i was kinda upset christmas day but came to realize i should not be making it a top priority and just enjoy relationship too, i have been harping on getting married to long..not to my boyfriend just to myself and my family. yes i do hint some times like "if i ever get married i would like this..."... sometimes he responds other times nothing, but i do not beg/cry to him asking when we are going to get married, i don't want to push. Anyways so christmas day came no ring BUT every time someone asked "you get what you want?"...my boyfriend smiles and says "not yet"...which 2-3 years ago he wouldn't say that or would say "yeah i know what she wants but never happening".  example: My mom asks "you get everything you wanted" i said yes..boyfriend says "nope not yet";) my mom asks "what that mean?"...he shows his ring finger says "not yet" winks. he also said he will never propose christmas because everyone gets engaged then. So then everyone thought "omg your birthday!"......well nope my birthday was yesterday.

now thats left is valentines day and our 5th anniversary:/  i wonder if its going to be this year or next or never its bugging me but im trying not to let it lol these last two weeks he hasn't said anything about marriage or kids and he has been saving more but i don't if thats for his turbo kit or something else :/ so i hinted around this week see if he says anything..like today i said "if we get married our colours are purple/grey"...boyfriend says "who says we getting married"...I'm like seriously! this again your so confusing do you or don't you eventually want too?...boyfriend says "if you scratch my back we will" ugh i dropped it..ill give him abit after our anniversary if no proposal i might gentley ask him "what happen to 5 year timeline , is it me that made him change his mind?" ect....what you think i should do?

Proposal soon?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think that mature adults who are old enough to get married need to be able to talk about these things like adults--forget about hinting around and hoping that he's going to surprise you with a ring on this or that occasion.  Some day I think you just need to ask him where he sees your future going, whether he feels that marriage is something that he wants and approximately when.  To me, when you have been together 5 yrs, are already living in your own place--well what is the wait for?  I assume you are both working and able to support yourselves, right?  By 5 years with someone you should know whether or not you want to spend your life with that person and if you are still confused (and I mean him being confused, not you), then maybe it's time to break up and find someone else.

My DD will be 25 soon and she was talking about moving in w/ her BF (some day, not soon) and I told her do not move in until you're engaged.  I just think that too often the woman thinks that moving in is the step toward engagement and the man thinks well we are living together so why bother to get married now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2014

well few weeks ago we were in car and marriage came up and im like "well do you want to get married oneday?", my boyfriend says "it doesn't really matter im okay with getting married or not getting married, if you want a wedding we will have a wedding". so told him don't do it to just to please me, its not the same

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002

I agree with Musiclover re:

 I just think that too often the woman thinks that moving in is the step toward engagement and the man thinks well we are living together so why bother to get married now?


But back to your situation.....I (myself) would NOT be able to handle the way your BF is acting...but, you've been with him for close to 5 years, so obviously you are much more OK with it than I am.  

If you were ME, I would advise you to say you're ready to be engaged and get married, and that since he's not, you're moving on.  He still always has option to change, decide he DOES want to get engaged/married, and move on it with you.

HOWEVER, you're *not* me, and, since you've been OK with his behavior up til now (eg the 3 year rule on jewelry...what's that about? geesh...), might as well stick around and see what happens.....people like me on that dont know you nor your BF really cant predict anything,...but I would definitely NOT hold your breath re: Valentines Day proposal....if he thinks Xmas is too highly commercial for engagements, Valentines Day is just as high up there....

He obviously is into stringing you along and having this power (that you are giving him) re: *him* deciding when the proposal happens, etc.....and you seem OK with that in general....so, if you really ARE *ok* with these types of games, ...then just wait and see what happens, I guess......not?

Obviously, he will always want/need to have *something* to be stringing you along about, ...giving him the power.....that seems to be the nature/dynamic of him/your relationship with him.

....as I said.....I (myself) could not handle a relationship like this AT ALL.......but...you're not me!  So....., as long as you are OK with it......then....so be it.

If you ever get thinking you're NOT *OK* with this dynamic in your relationship...........then you really DO have to be the one to leave....cause......I just dont see him changing.

BEST WISHES!

Keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sat, 01-25-2014 - 6:49pm

Hi LMF--

Just saw your post re:

 my boyfriend says "it doesn't really matter im okay with getting married or not getting married, if you want a wedding we will have a wedding". so told him don't do it to just to please me, its not the same

This may be as good as it gets....eg, he will do something because it will make you happy.........yeah, it's not the same as it being important to him to do (whatever)..........but, the fact that he CARES about your happiness, and will do what it takes for your happiness IS important..............

....and might be as good of a response as you will get....

BEST WISHES!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2014

I'm just torn...i don't know what to do...

Everyone in my family thinks i need to relax and just enjoy relationship because it will happen eventually. I want to believe that because he has been acting different last year or so but he still has his moments that make me think what is really on his mind? is he stringing me along? My mother thinks im nuts because she see's how much he loves me, he takes care of me when i was sick and after my surgery i had, he is always there when i need him and when i need extra money he gives me it and says whats yours is mine. He cooks, cleans...he saw me at my worst and never ran away...yet lol she thinks gestures speaks louder then a ring/ paper..which i agree but i still want marriage too, im trying to think more of that actions speak louder to keep mind off of it . just wish he would tell someone in my family so i can get a hint when ..but that never happen, he told me one day cause my dad spilled beans on my moms party to remind him not to tell my dad or anyone a thing because no one can keep a secret.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

I agree with everyone who said after FIVE YEARS, no one should be tiptoeing around, or wondering when/if he will get you a ring, or saying "It's a secret".   The ring is not important.  Having someone who WANTS to marry you, is.

Sit your boyfriend down and say, "I'm not waiting any longer.  Either we plan our wedding NOW, and get married withion a year,  or I am moving out, because I want someone who wants to marry me and build a family."  And unless you want to be 40, unmarried, and STILL living in his parents' basement while he acts like a child, stick to your guns. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2014

I just suggested him that we go away for our anniversary, he like its not anniversary yet, im like yes it is..so last five years mean nothing?....he just says "not anniversary until we are married"..and i said well our "anniversary " will most likley me our wedding date if/when it ever happens...he says "no not in the winter you nuts its slushy and messy" and im like "ok just saying ..if it ever happens". then we changed topic. see now he is kinda positive again and seems like he wants to get married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 01-26-2014 - 8:22am

I'm glad he treats you well in the important way. Seems like he's lacking in clear communication, though, running circles around you. You don't mention financial stability. Are the both of you on good career paths or do you work in minimum wage jobs that will go nowhere? Make sure you are both financially prepared for the future for a betther chance the marriage will survive without arguments about money. If either or both of you need to further your education in securing good paying careers, concentrate on that now.

What's the best way to change someone else's behavior? Change your own. If you've made him the center of your universe, stop it. You need to have a fulfilling life outside of your man. The first thing I would do is to tell him you're not comfortable any longer living in his parents house, and move out. If you've let time with your girlfriends slide, start asking them to go to the movies and the mall with you. Have girls nights out. Don't cancel a date with a girlfriend if he calls to set up a date for the same night. Take up a new hobby like cooking lessons, painting, book club groups, etc. Join a gym. Take classes to further your career. 

Right now, he's in a place where he calls all the shots. When you start showing your independence and showing him that you can have a happy life with or without him, believe me, its going to shake things up. This will give him the opportunity to start missing you and realize how much he wants to keep you in his life. This might also get him worrying that you're out doing activities where you may meet other men who may snap you up if he doesn't step up to the plate. Are you brave enough to give this experiment a go? Let us know and good luck. And even if you do get married, continue to have your own life outside your husband. It will make you a far more interesting and fulfilled partner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sun, 01-26-2014 - 1:43pm

I agree it sounds like he cares about you etc from actions described.....except:

our wedding date if/when it ever happens...he says "no not in the winter you nuts its slushy and messy" and im like "ok just saying ..if it ever happens". then we changed topic. see now he is kinda positive again and seems like he wants to get married.

That's basically just saying enough to keep you interested but not changing anything.....

He seems happy with the status quo.....living at home, as he has always, and with you as live-in GF, as has been.....

Have either of you had serious long term relationships with others before with each other?

If you stay with him you might regret not having dated around more.....there ARE men with more ambition in the world.....

Did you say Feb is this 5 year (dating) anniversary?

How about just start looking into some options for GF you could move in with and other things to move on with in your life for this summer....let him overhear you checking into these options...................if he asks about it, just say you're looking into your options for if you're not getting married, that's all..................and then, if you dont have a marriage proposal as you want, you've got a decent back up plan to move forward on anyhow.....(and by summer , I'd recommend moving on it.....he can always propose etc after you've moved out)

BEST WISHES :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well he seems like a good guy who loves you but it doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to get married either.  He tells you that marriage is not important to him but he'll have A WEDDING if you want one.  There is a big difference between the wedding, which is the party, and the commitment of marriage.  I would not want to marry someone who did not have the idea that there is a serious commitment involved to marriage and you don't "just get married" to please someone else unless your heart is in it.  I just think you have to give yourself a deadline and see if he proposes by a certain date and then if he doesn't, tell him that you want to move on--unless you are fine with continuing to live together.

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