Can you fall in love so quickly with a person you've never met?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2013
Can you fall in love so quickly with a person you've never met?
4
Sun, 02-17-2013 - 6:31am

Hello, girls,

I'm so happy to join this site, and very glad I found it.

I'm such a mess right now. I'm in a whirlwind, in unknown territory, don't really know what to do or think. I'm confused in mind and feelings. Of all my painful feelings, the one that stands out is a sharp pain of exasperation, like: Why do I do this? Why does this happn to me? What's wrong with me?

To explain. I'v never been in an LDR. I've joined some sites but never gotten the nerve to really do anything. In any case, I joined this discussion board a couple months ago, of people from my country to discuss stuff, nothing to do with dating and I nevr actually expected any kind of dating to happen. There's a guy who stood out to me in his daily posts and debates. Then, he started messaging him and we quickly moved to mails where we talked and flirted in a manner that clearly showed we were both interested. I thought it was the best raport I'v ever had and as h was planning to move back home in a few months, I started contmplating a possible future relationship. Then after a wonderful few days, a tiny communication problem happened and just like that in a fw short xchanges, I saw everything go up in smoke. In literally tn minutes.

Since I was the one who had misunderstood, I apologized, and asked him if we could go back to "normal". He replied to me, but only an entire day after, but his tone was all different. It was more formal. He did not use pet-names as we had by then made the norm btween us, and which I had used in my apology. He said he admitted to have been puzzled by the misunderstanding, but that it was ok, h apparently has been involved in a few LDRs and is aware of the small misunderstandings that can occur and reaffirmed that he did like me and wanted to know me some more.

I then replied in a nonchalant way, expressing my gladness that things could be less awkward now.

But he did not reply to this, 2 whole days later. It's obvious that he's spending lots of time online, but has not bothered to write me at all. I have decided to avoid that forum for now, because I now feel that when he sees that I'm online, he'll either disappear or send me some short, formal email, just to "get off the hook" but not because he really wants to talk to me. I avoided it in the Weekend, and have so far read it as an observer only a few times, but generaly avoided it especially when I saw that he was there.

My question: The moment I made that mistake, I felt a sharp pain in my heart, quit acute even though I had been talking to him like this only a few days, but on the board a few weeks. He had asked me some personal questions that I answered, but did not reciprocate (evn though he had promised to). I now feel exposed, almost tricked into opening myself up.  But most importantly, I feel like I messed up. I one ruined a thing with a guy who I had fallen for because of inability to communicate proprly, took me years to gt over. I don't fall often, but when I do, I do fall fast. This thing has reminded me of the other on and I just feel hopeless, like I can't help but ruin a good thing if it happens to come my way. I had felt like this guy was so intellectually compatible and loved his prsoality as I had seen it on th board and emails.

Too long, I know. But I've been told that I can find advic or atleast support here, so here I am. I have a heart-ache.

Please help,

heartbreakgal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I do not believe that you were in love with this guy--you were experiencing the excitement and possibility of what could happen if you were to have a relationship with this guy.  I have experienced that myself in doing on line dating, even though the men were local and I had to train myself to stop doing it.  I'd start communicating with someone, we'd only exchange some emails and I'd start fantasizing in my head about our future together.  I would really recommend that you meet someone IRL if that is possible, or if you  are going back to your home country, to meet some men there.  It's really too easy to start having this kind of fantasy world about someone you have never met.  If you get this upset over "losing" someone you were not really in a relationship with and had never met, then I think that online relationships are not for you.  And if he got so turned off by a mistake that you made that you apologized for that was really a misunderstanding, then he's not really such a great match.  A lot of misunderstandings can happen on line and people should realize that and be able to talk about whata they really meant & get past it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012

I don't know sounds as if this guy could be a Catfish. This has happened to me online as well, where the guy come on really strong with lots of sweet messages and songs, then backed off when I asked to meet. You're right this forum is certainly a place to share information and my advice to you is let him go for a while. If you still notice that he's constantly online, google him see what turns up. Also ladies please be careful of guys who calls you from area code (630).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

When I was single for 2 and a half years, I did online dating, so speak from experience. It's all a huge fantasy until you actually meet the person. Before I had a date, I'd love the guys photos, e-mails and phone conversations. 9 times out of 10, it all fell apart the moment we met. In some cases, I didn't feel chemistry. Sometimes they were much older than their photos. Sometimes, they didn't feel chemistry with me, or didn't like my personality. One guy was normal on the first date, then I found he was mentally unstable on the 2nd date. One guy told me about 4 weeks after dating him that he'd been released from jail about a month before we went out. You don't know if a person is married or has a girlriend, or has a criminal background. Yes, it's all a fantasy until you meet, and even when you do, it takes a long time to get to know if a person is right for you or not if it even gets past the 3 month mark.

My advice? Stick to dating within 50 miles of your home. Meet in a public place. Why spend night after night speaking with someone long distance and never meeting or rarely meeting, when you could be going out to dinner and cuddling on the couch with a 3 dimensional person. Take dating day by day and don't project into the future. Most men are sweet at the beginning. That's how they get you in the sack. The trick is to hold off on having sex the first few months to see if it's an actual long term relationship is their goal instead of a quick wham bam thank you ma'am. If you make it past the first 3 or 4 months, then reality will set in. This is when a man will let his guard down and you will see how he regulary treats you over time. This is what's called reality, and what you need to make as your dating goal. If at any point, a man doesn't meet a major need of yours such as respect, faithfulness, time spent with you, etc., then cut him loose. If he has a dealbreaker like cheating, drug addiction, gambling, etc. Cut him loose. You must use your brain to make the most important decision of your life--choosing a lifetime partner. It takes a lot o sifting thru sand before you find the treasure. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2010

hibbens wrote:
<p><span style="text-decoration:line-through"></span>Also ladies please be careful of guys who calls you from area code (630).</p>

What's wrong with the 630 area code?  That's a legitimate area code in Illinois.  I know because I have friends who live in that area code.