How to deal with insecurity & paranoia

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2011
How to deal with insecurity & paranoia
Sun, 09-29-2013 - 5:34pm

Hi All,

I hope someone may be able to help me. I have been in a very healthy and happy relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a hald year (all of this being long distance). He is from Europe but goes to uni up North, whilst I am in London. During term time, we take it in turns to travel to each other (every 2/3 weeks) and during the holidays, we see each other less frequest (every 4 weeks) when he's home in Europe. This has constantly worked well for us. 

However, I have found it difficult in previous years whilst he is at uni for a number of reasons. He has a lot of work for his studies, so sometimes does not have much time to skype/text/talk. Though he always would fit it in, there are nights when he is out etc and there have been times when I've felt so lost because we are far apart. 

In addition, although I have no doubt in my mind that he loves and cares for me, I have an issue with other girls and their behaviour towards men. Some girls are naturually overly flirty and outgoing and it doesn't make me comfortable with him being around them. Even though I trust him and believe that  he would never act on it, I would never act the way some of these girls do towards a guy if I knew he had a bf. 

He has a lot of girl-friends back home and I have no issue with them, but I think the attitude is different abroad. He's hardly been back a week at uni and already I'm starting to panic about him going out with one girl in particular who I have met in the past and have not been overkeen on at all. I can't stop him attending things with her there, nor can I tell him not to talk to her and I can't say nasty things about her because actually he's told me she's a nice person.

I don't want to be the paranoid girlfriend and I can't understand where my insecurity is coming from!! It is frustrating and although over the years it has improved due to trust in our relationship, it's still there and I hate it eating away at me! I know that if I make a meal of it, it will only push him away because for him, there is nothing to it, it means nothing so why am I getting wound up about it!? But to keep quiet only makes it worse because I feel helpless like there is nothing I can do about it. 

Is there anyone that might be able to help me to get to the root of the problem? I don't necessarily think it's just about this one girl. I think it is a deeper problem I have. Any advice or help would be much appreciated..

Thank you for listening and hopefully I can work this thing out!

Chazzer x

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
Fri, 01-24-2014 - 5:05am
I know you will work it out because you are aware of the reason behind and the best solution to tackle the problem. I have only suggestion that be confident of yourself and be perfectly secured from inside then nothing will perturb you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 09-30-2013 - 10:01am

Hello Chazzer, Your bf obviously loves you because he has continued to put in so much effort into regularly seeing you over the years. It's understandable that he sometimes doesn't have time to skype, etc. with college studies. It's also common for people to have friends of the opposite sex in the college years. You trust him and he hasn't shown you reason not to. Basically, you have to let it go that you can't control other people. You only have control over yourself. From what I've read, there are 2 reasons men cheat. One type of man is a player, who has lousy ethics and is a narcissist. Your bf is not a player. He hasn't cheated (secrets always come out one way or the other, and you would've known by now), so you don't have to worry in that sense. Other men have reported that they cheated because they feel disrespected by their significant other. If you respect him and treat him well, then you're doing the best you can.

There is no crystal ball to tell you if your relationship will work out or not. The only control you have is to be a great gf by doing what you've been doing. Trusting him and putting time and energy into the relationship. If you don't have any hobbies or interests besides him, then you need to find some. Instead of waiting around for his texts at night, you need to have an active life of your own spent with girlfriends and with a hobby. Think about a co-ed sports team, cooking classes, writing or drawing, dance lessons, etc. A guy doesn't want to be the center of your universe. It's too much pressure. You will be a more appealing partner if you have interesting things to talk about to him, and confident people who have their own fulfilling lives outside of the relationship, are like magnets. You can also change the thought processes reeling through your mind. If bad thoughts start to enter, make it go in another direction. You can tell yourself, "He's been a good bf and he's working hard to build a nice life for us. He'll be finished soon and we can be together every day." You might be able to find some books in the library to calm your mind. Check it out and good luck.