Love him but feel like a clipped bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Love him but feel like a clipped bird
5
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 4:56am

I am in a LD Marriage. We have been married for a year.   This is a short term arrangement and he plans to move where I am next year.  However I am dreading the move because when we first dicussed getting married, I knew that one of his sons would come with him.  But he didnt' mention he wanted his mother to come until last week.  First off I should mention that my husband has multiple sclerosis and is now legally blind.  We are already trying to cope with this illness, but one of his sons is autistic.  His mother is nearly 600 pounds and he just informed me that she lived with him during his first marriage and he wants her to live with us too.  I have already rasied my kids and feel that I will become a nurse.  I was ready to deal with my husband's illness but now he wants to bring his mother. When I told him why can't she have her own apartment he said no she can't take care of herself.  But I told him they have assisted living apartments where someone can come in and assist her with the things she needs.  I find it disturbing that when she has to go to the bathroom it is her autistic grandson who has to take care of her bodily functions. He puts the bedpan under her and collects her you know what. I thought it kind of weird especially when she said she prefers for her grandson to do that rather than her home attendant.  I am feeling guilty because I know that as a christian wife I should not just think of myself but I have toiled so long and just when I thought I would get some freedom now I have a lot on my plate to consider.  Added to this problem is that due to my husband's illness he is impotent. Neither viagra or cialis helps.  The doctor said this was a result of the MS.  He continues to gain weight (over 300 pounds) and when I change his foods he eats junk when he is out of my sight.  I am ashamed to admit that when he takes off his clothes I am disgusted and turned off.  He looks like a piglit. 

 

Appreciate your thoughts, suggestons, comments.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 8:13am

Get the marriage annulled this week.

Do not allow him to move everyone into your space to turn you into a nurse maid. His mother needs to go live in an assisted living facility where they have the training and equipment to deal with a 600 lb woman and her needs.  Truth be told, he needs to be living in an assisted living facility himself.  Are you capable of moving that much dead weight on your own?  Are you mentally strong enough for strangers to land in your space and turn you into their slave?  Because that's what's coming...  he's already blown through one wife with this arrangment--in truth, he should not get another to treat the same way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 9:18am

Sounds like hell on earth to me. Love is not enough to build a happy life. As for me, I have to be attracted to my husband to be happy. I have to be sexually fulfilled to live a happy life. Two people have to come to a consensus on major decisions such as moving a parent into the house. If he doesn't care about your feelings and demands that his mother move in, then why do you want him as a spouse? Sounds like you're being used. If he doesn't care about taking care of himself so that he's attractive to you, why do you want him as a spouse? Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this just because you love someone? You're not a martyr. There are other men out there who would care about your feelings and fulfill you sexually. If it were me, I'd get an anulment or divorce. Good luck and take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 11:20pm

I greatly appreciate your feedback and advice.  Thanks so much for taking the time to read my plight becuase I had been feeling guilty for feeling this way. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 11:22pm

Your advice like the prior poster is spot on. I do feel like I am being used.  THat I am being set up to be a nursemaid. It does feel like hell on earth.

 

Thanks for your advice.  God Bless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Sat, 07-27-2013 - 1:41pm

I'm gong to be honest with you...you NEED to get an annualment ...Tell him as soon as possible because it will NOT be fair to you...all the brutal honest comments you made just now lets everyone know that you REALLY don't want to go through with this now that you have learned at the last minute by your husband that his mom will be living with you guys.Question...WHY didn'the tell you this before?!! Red flag...this is something VERY important he should have talked to you about a long time ago...I say you should get  out of this marriage...it would be TOO much for you to take care of your husband on top of his son and then his mom too!! You are being very honest with us BUT you need to be also with your husband...It NOT too late...please do this before you regret it because you will regret it...sorry :(