Gal's post got me thinking....

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Gal's post got me thinking....
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 4:41pm

how some of our character comes from genetics and some from circumstants.  Nature versus nurture.

My DH is either on or he is off.  My DD14 and I can putter all day.  

DH and I had a disagreement about chores, etc. (DD was not home) and I had to really pound home to him that although neither of us is right or wrong, we are just different.  

No matter what my DH tries to instill in either my DD14 or myself, there are some parts of our character that won't change, nor do I want them to change.  Sure, DD14 could probably do more around the house, but that doesn't mean his way of doing chores is the only way.  

For example: I could totally see my DD getting up and scrubbing the bathroom or mowing the lawn and then coming in and sitting down to watch TV.  My DH comes home from somewhere and complains DD is watching TV when "there is SO much to do around the house."  I threw that out to him and he said "yea, you are right." So again, I reminded him that we are different.  I can putter all day cleaning the house, or what have you.  He kills himself running around until he is beat, then he takes a nap.  

So what if it takes me and DD twice as long.  Who really cares?  

At work and gotta' go.  Anywho, the nature nurture thing just came to mind after ready Gal's thread.  Her computer savey DS could be another Bill Gates.  Do you think anyone cares if Bill Gates makes his bed every morning????


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 10:40am

As far as chores go, there are definitely different tolerances for messiness.  I think my aunt (who lives with my mother) is almost OCD in cleanliness--she really loves cleaning so much that when she visits my house, she will start cleaning.  I thought it was just me but she does the same thing at my cousins' houses.  when I go to their house, I always admire how there is not one speck of dirt--but of course, they are also retired so they have all day.  Even she will say that she understands how working women don't have time to clean as much.  I know that I try to be clean and neat but after working, I'm tired and it's all I can do to make dinner, clean up and maybe do laundry.  Recently I had a leak in my roof that leaked into my bedroom closet getting all my clothes wet--everything had to come out of the closet so I used that as an opportunity to sort everything out and give away a lot of clothes.  The problem is when the clean person marries the messy person and both have to compromise.

Or my 2nd ex used to complain that he was hot all the time while I was always cold--he'd be sweating while I was wearing heavy sweaters.  I am also much more of a night person and I hate getting up early.  So I guess we really were not made for each other!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Tue, 04-29-2014 - 3:56pm

  I think this is the great thing about being know...the whole "older and wiser" thing.  Dh and I are polar opposites...he's hot, high strung, and I'm cold and lay-back. We rarely agree on anything, but the making up is great!  As older folks, we know that if you can't accept ALL there is about your loved one, you should not marry them!  Dh said just this weekend there's LOTS of things he doesn't like about ME and I said and me about YOU, but we accept them and don't overstress about them.  His biggest issue with me is the way I've totally disengaged from his sons due to their drug problems.  He hates it, but I call it a self-preservation thing. I hate it when he talks negatively about my daughters.  It's still our biggest issue between us. I went through too much with his sons and I've checkedout.  They're out of the house and I don't have to deal with them.  I think dh wishes I would be more "motherly" to them since they don't really have a mother, but I just don't have that unconditional love for them he does.  Dh and I both know that DNA plays a big part of who you are and sometimes, we have to fight it on a daily basis.  His sons were doomed from the start with a mentally ill mother and a father who in the past had to fight his own demons, the divorce, etc...but I was never part of that and they're not my kids, so I have an easy time "keeping them at arm's length" as dh puts it.  Dh thought I was so kind and compassionate when he met me, but being on the "drug merry-go-round" with his kids changed me. It was too much and almost tore us apart.  I guess I still resent them for it.

Acceptance and forgiveness is key, but when it comes to adult stepkids, it's difficult. Dh and I both struggle with it.