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|Tue, 03-25-2014 - 12:01am|
Hello all. I haven't been on here in such a long time. I am in serious need of some advice and to be honest I just need to vent and get this all out before it consumes me. I have a lot of resentment towards my husband's ex wife that has been years in the making and I desperately want to make peace with it. Hubby and I will be celebrating our 8th anniversary next month. His kids are all grown and at this point we only see them from time to time anymore. It has been 14 years since his divorce. He rarely deals with his ex wife, however last year they had a long phone conversation and seem to finally be on the same page and made a lot of progress towards healing past issues. My problem is, and it is my problem, is that I resent her for having caused years of disagreements in my marriage and I have never been able to talk to her about it and get closure for myself. I have tried to just put it behind me but the problem is that she basically was allowed to cause issues and be inappropriate and not have boundaries which made for years of unhappiness in our marriage. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair. I blame a lot of it also on my husband who did not set boundaries for her from the very beginning. I am now at the point where I dread any family event (i.e. graduations, future weddings and funerals, etc.) where she will be attending. I brought it up in therapy once and the therapist told my husband if his ex was causing problems then he, not I should be the one to address it. The therapist also said that if his ex is doing things that upset me that it should be a concern for him and he needed to talk with her about it. He has always just ignored most of her antics just to keep the peace. I heard my mother in law tell me once that when they first got divorced they used to fight like cats and dogs. Maybe he got tired of all the fighting. Maybe it was hurting the kids. Maybe it made dealing with her that much more difficult so he just decided to ignore things.
I believe that when two people get divorced that there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed. They are no longer married and they need to go from having deep, loving emotional ties to a civil co-parenting partnership. She should never have constantly called him to vent about her second marriage. He should never have been her confidante. She should never have continued to ask him for personal advice. She shouldn't have been so familiar with him during pick ups and drop offs making constant comments about his hair or his clothes. She should never have run by our seats at her son's soccer games giggling flirtatiously as she ran past us back and forth. WTH??? She should not have continued to give him his favorite candy for Christmas and Easter and for crying out lout Halloween. She should not have tried to convince him to not convert to my religion because she was jealous that he never went to church with her. She should never have helped the kids make a photo album as a birthday present, the first birthday I ever spent with him as his wife, with several pictures of her in it. She should never have brought up the fact that she lost her virginity to my husband right in front of me ( that was the kicker for me). She should never have called each and every weekend we had the kids and drill them about what I was feeding them, how much sleep they were getting, where we were going. Calls during dinner, calls when we were at a movie, calls when we were out having fun and damn it multiple calls over and over if my husband didn't answer his phone. She didn't have to call the kids on Christmas when we were on the way to my sister in laws and then call my sister in law right after we got there and had just sat down to open presents just to wish her, yes they are still her in laws according to her, in laws a Merry Christmas.She did not have to ooh and ahhh at my husband's close up picture in his tux on our wedding day (not my idea to invite her in to my house and have her eyeballing all our wedding photos). Always just blurting out things in front of me and me having to stand there like an idiot upset and embarrassed but I can't say anything in front of the kids and I can't appear to be overly sensitive or jealous. She has never been outright rude or mean to me but these inappropriate things I mentioned above, and yeah, I know it could be a LOT worse, have gotten to me over the years.
I guess I should just bring this up to my therapist. I mean the past is done, gone and can't be changed. I don't have to see her unless someone gets married or graduates which is no time soon. I will not risk telling her these things as she will turn her kids and my inlaws against me. I just wish that at the time my husband would have just stepped up and put up boundaries since he knew how those things affected me. I mean when I do things that he doesn't agree with he immediately lets me know. Why couldn't he have done that with her? It could have saved so many arguements and awkward moments. I just got the the point where I stopped going with him to pick ups and drop offs and only saw her when I absolutely had to. I have ALWAYS been nice, calm, and civil with her. I have never, ever said a mean word to her and have never badmouthed her to the kids. Ever. I always thought that if I just was nice and ignored all the things she did that she would stop. I have always wanted to know if the divorce was mutual and she remarried and brags about how very happy she is then why overstep your boundaries with your ex? Is it she doesn't want him but she doesn't want anyone else to have him? Is it why has he moved on and why is he happy with her and wasn't with me type of deal? Is it ignorance? What? I could care less what my ex does. We never speak and I could care less what he does with his wife. I would NEVER, EVER overstep my boundaries with my ex and especially not around his wife. I mean discuss my sexual past right there in front of his wife? What kind of an idiot does that? My husband even told me that she tried to sabotage three of his past relationships by badmouthing things he did in their marriage to three women. Who in the hell does that? Anyways, thanks for allowing me to vent. I really, really need to find a way to just get past the past.