Am I being unreasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2014
Am I being unreasonable?
15
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 7:10pm

My husband of four years and I have been having a few issues lately. After going to counselling we decided to work on things and after some quality time together they have been a lot better. However, one of the big issues was his nights out with the boys. Other people may not agree with this but still having a lot of single friends we have often had nights out seperately. Whether or not people agree with this is not the issue... 

This morning we heard my Dad had to go in for emergency surgery tomorrow morning. It is a fairly minor surgery but nonetheless any surgery at 60 is worrying. I have planned to go to my parents first thing tomorrow. My husband does not intend to accompany me, he thinks it's perfectly acceptable to continue with the planned boys night out.

I'm furious that he is not showing the family more support. Particularly since we are a close family and he even works for my Dad! I cancelled our visit to another friend's tonight because of it.

Am I being unreasonable expecting him to cancel his plans?

Pages

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 7:58pm

There is no rule saying you have to love your spouse's family.  Also, working for one's father-in-law does not automatically make employer and employee best buddies.  Your husband obviously feels it is enough if YOU worry about your father, and IMO, given that this a minor procedure, I would agree. 

My Dh was not overly fond of my mother, nor me of his.  We were kind and respectfull to each other's mothers, but he visited his, and I visited mine.  For drs visits, and minor hospital stays, we went alone.  When the moms were SERIOUSLY ill, and dying, we went with each other to support EACH OTHER, and our children.  The rest of the family was immaterial.

You do not say what the "issues" in your marriage are, but since your husband (and you) still have "lots of single friends", and enjoy partying alone with your friends, your husband may feel that working for your father, on top of being married to you, is more than enough "family" time. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2014
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 8:40pm

While you are obviously entitled to your own point of view they are as close to best buddies as any father and son in law are ever likely to be. And while your situation may be different to ours when his father went for surgery we travelled over 2000 miles to be there. I did it without question of how major the surgery was, without meaning any offence to yourself I considered the severity of the situation inconsequential. The fact it was bad enough that he had to go made me want to go with him.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 9:00pm

You ask for an opinion, and then when you get one, you get in a snit because it is not what you want to hear. 

It's wonderful that you wanted to be with your husband while he visited his dad.  However, that does NOT require that your husband return the favor.  Despite your claim that your husband and your father "...are as close to best buddies as any father and son in law are ever likely to be..."your husband OBVIOUSLY feels differently, or he would not choose his OTHER best buddies over his father-in-law. 

Marriage is about compromise.  You have to learn to pick your battles.  This is not a hill *I* would die on. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 10:57pm

I'm kind of confused about the logistics here if you say the surgery is in the morning--I assume that he's going out with the guys at night, but I'm not clear on whether the night before or night after.  Since you describe the surgery as "minor," i'm not sure I would agree that he has to be there.  If it was something like major open heart surgery or something like that, I could see it.  Frankly I don't really know what is achieved by sitting in the hospital--I could see you being there if your mom is going to stay there since she would probably need to have someone to talk to.  And I don't know that I would agree that any surgery at 60 is risky--I'm going to be 57 this summer and I surely don't consider myself as "old" or that any surgery would be risky--I'd feel like that with my mom, who is 88.  Maybe he feels that he can be useful in other ways, such as covering things for work--or he could do some practical things, like if your dad doesn't feel up to doing physical things, your DH could do something like mowing his lawn or taking your mom grocery shopping.  I think one big difference between most men & women that you might want to think about it that women are more into giving emotional support and a lot of men really don't know how to do that--they want to do practical things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Sat, 06-28-2014 - 9:37am

I would say that you are being unreasonable.  Your father is only having minor surgery. In fact, it is better that a whole crowd of people not go to the hospital or hang arround at your parents' home. Does your mom or dad want or need a crowd of people?

I understand that you are worried about your father but "any surgery at 60 is NOT dangerous". I am 60+ and have had minor surgery;no big deal.  When I did, my DH went with me, no one else. My kids called me after the fact.  (Do you think that acting like it is some big deal is not good for your father and mother? )

You wrote that you believe that the severity of the operation is inconsequental. So, that means that if a family member gets a tooth pulled  or teeth cleaning (which does have risks especially for people with heart disease), you are going to run to their side for support? How about a sprained ankle?  Cataract surgery (which is very minor)? Tests at the hospital?

I wonder why you are so defensive.  I suspect that there is more to your problem with your husband than this post lets on. You wrote that a big issue you are having is his nights out with the boys.  And then you add a comment about not caring what people think that you and your husband  go out with your single friends. Why add this piece of information? Would you feel the same if he had to work and that is why he did not want to come with you?  Or do you feel that he is not as emotionally involved in your relationship as you are, that his "nights out" are more important than your feelings?

By the way, many couples maintain friendships with their single friends and go out and do things, with their friends, without their spouses.  Marriage does not mean you stop having friends.

I hope you continue to go to conselling to work on your problems, especially before you have kids. Marriage is about compromise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Sat, 06-28-2014 - 10:07pm

NO..you are NOT being unreasonable at all!! YOu have every right to be mad at your husband.He is acting very selfish.What if it was HIS dad going into surgery...I BET he wouldn't  be out with 'the boys' then...Oh and see...YOU went with him when HIS father was going into surgery. I mean what the hell is marriage about nowadays?!! I just don't get it.Sometimes minor surgery CAN end up being major because anything can happen...I don't think it would hurt your husband if he was to NOT go out that night...my GOD I tell you....I think his decision alone to not go with you for your dad(because he SHOULD know how important this is to you) will set you guys back big time...Well I guess all you can do is go by yourself  BUT I know you would have LIKED your husband to be there with you...eventhough it's considered minor surgery...it's the fact that you're STILL worried and you would have liked your husband to be there for you for EMOTIONAL SUPPORT(.for those of you out there that don't get it)..that's part of marriage right? To have that support BUT your husband thinks it's not important for him to be there..BUT did you tell him that you wanted him there for emotional support because you're worried about your dad? IF you have told him that and he STILL feels that it's not necessary for him to be there...then he's just an ass...sorry.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 06-29-2014 - 10:57am

Does he not intend to accompany you because you didn't ask him to and just expect it of him...and so he is unaware that you need him by your side for emotional support? It is not clear from your post.

If I had asked my husband to accompany me for emotional support, and he said 'no', I'd be very disappointed and upset.

Sure, it be nice if he didn't need to be asked and did...or at least asked if you'd like him there, but  some people can be pretty dang clueless; and unless you tell them directly and clearly what you need from them, they remain clueless.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-29-2014 - 12:39pm

I also wonder what the father wants--some people like to have their whole family around and others would rather be alone when they aren't feeling well.  I had to have 2 minor procedures years ago--the kind where it takes a couple of hours but of course you can't drive yourself home because of the anesthesia.  The first one my DH took me to the hospital but didn't even stay with me--my DD (who was then 17 or so) drove me home.  The 2nd one, I had just separated from DH but my DD was away at college and my son didn't drive yet so I asked my STBX to take me and I assume he drove me home too just cause there was no one else to do it at that time, but when I'm sick I would rather be alone or have one person around--I sure wouldn't want a group.  My ex was like that also.  He wouldn't even tell his family he was having anything done if he didn't have to.  But I'm sure there are others who like the care & concern.  So I think it really should be left up to the patient to say what he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 2:10pm
He doesn't have to support your family, unfortunately. But he does have to support YOU!! That is one of his jobs as your husband. If it is important to YOU that he be there, there should be no further discussion. Nothing should be more important to a spouse than being there for your husband/wife when they need your support.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 5:44pm

First, welcome to iVillage and the board!

I read the thread and here are my thoughts...

Not everyone perceives this situation the same, obviously!  But I think someone on here mentioned something very important: Did you ask him to come and support you, or was it a situation where you kind of felt it was obvious he should come?  Because I agree that there is a difference between you father needing support (from his daughter) and a DH going to support his DW.  

People look at surgery, procedures, illness, very differently.   When my xMIL was very ill, one of my children felt they should be at the hospital every free moment and my other child felt like one visit was enough during her entire hospital stay.  

This is where I think the difference lies between supporting the person who is ill, and supporting a loved one.  

So all I can really add is to maybe clarify in your own mind where you really feel the perceived betrayal is.  Is it that you asked your DH to support you and he rudely said "no way, my night out with friends is more important than my DW or FIL?"  Or did you say "I am going," and he just said "OK," and have not told him how you feel?  

You don't have to answer these questions for us, I just throw it out there to hopefully help you.  Would you be this upset if he had to work?  Or had another committment?  All of these ideas are just a kind of barameter to measure with.  

I can only guess your age since you seemed concerned with surgery at 60, but it will be very important to learn how to deal with these things early in your marriage.  

Personally, I am not a jump in the car and run to the hospital kind of gal, but some are and that is okay.  And accepting this difference wil make a huge difference.

Good luck and I hope you stick around and let us know what happens!!!

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity

Pages