Am I being unreasonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2014
Am I being unreasonable?
15
Fri, 06-27-2014 - 7:10pm

My husband of four years and I have been having a few issues lately. After going to counselling we decided to work on things and after some quality time together they have been a lot better. However, one of the big issues was his nights out with the boys. Other people may not agree with this but still having a lot of single friends we have often had nights out seperately. Whether or not people agree with this is not the issue... 

This morning we heard my Dad had to go in for emergency surgery tomorrow morning. It is a fairly minor surgery but nonetheless any surgery at 60 is worrying. I have planned to go to my parents first thing tomorrow. My husband does not intend to accompany me, he thinks it's perfectly acceptable to continue with the planned boys night out.

I'm furious that he is not showing the family more support. Particularly since we are a close family and he even works for my Dad! I cancelled our visit to another friend's tonight because of it.

Am I being unreasonable expecting him to cancel his plans?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 07-04-2014 - 10:06am

Sounds like you two married too young. You didn't have the life experience to choose a lifetime partner who matched you in all of the important ways. I made the same mistake and married at age 21. Too young to pay attention to the red flags that waved right in front of my face. You have matured and he has not. After my divorce, I had fun being single and went out dancing a lot with girlfriends. Then I remarried and one of my friends had a child and the other one got married and had a child. Our social lives changed to having get togethers at restaurants or at each others homes. 

I wouldn't mind my husband going out once in a while for a few hours with the guys, but yes, what your husband is doing is living like a single man. He has not altered his social life because of you. He has ignored your pleas about being frugal about finances. He wasn't there for you when you and your family needed him. You deserve better than that. It's good that you're going to counseling. I'm sorry you're not being treated like the special person you are. If you give him an ultimatum to change, he'll most likely resent you. Yes, it's time for you to makes some major changes in your life. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2014
Wed, 07-02-2014 - 6:42pm

Oh well I'm glad my further explanation cleared things up.

Before we met we both went out a lot and we actually discussed it before we got married. The basic compromise was that we would still do our own thing with friends, even up to going on the regular nights out but only go to the pub and come home at midnightish. Unfortunately when we got married,due to his line of work, my DH had quarterly work nights out which he insisted on attending and always became a very late night. There were many fights about this at first. As time went on I got used to it (obviously not the right reaction) and the nights out became occasional nights with the boys which progressed to more or less weekly. He doesn't not want me to go and I have gone on a few occasions but none of the "boys" are in serious relationships so it generally is just them and there are only so many nights I want to go out as one of the boys. Plus now we have a mortgage etc I resent the excessive expense. My friends and I regularly meet for dinner/drinks (more often in someone's flat or house that in the city centre) but I also don't think married people clubbing regularly is entirely normal hence my comment about whether or not people approved.

Anyway we have talked through all of this, he has continued to behave (and spend) in the same manner, and I am on the verge of leaving him. I can only surmise he has got married before he was ready which has led to this behaviour. I know that most such problems stem from issues in the marriage but I have tried to get him to work through it with me and there is no progress being made. He refused counselling but I have been going on my own for some time

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Wed, 07-02-2014 - 2:36pm

Okay, it all makes much more sense now.  :)  

As far as your question "am I being unreasonable?"  I would say after your update, no, you are not being unreasonable.  

I think there is the issue of his priorities not matching yours; and although you say it isn't an issue, IMHO, I think the going out is becoming one.

I think Music already touched on all that pretty well already.   When I was younger I did some of that, also.  But usually the friends were also married or committed.  But it also lends to questionable behavior the later in the night it gets.   The most loyal person can be inappropriate with enough alcohol in them.  So the decisions have to be made BEFORE the first drink.  

In other words, there is a difference between a guys poker night, and going out clubing.  There is a difference between one beer after work, and hanging out at a bar.  Hope that makes sense.  

Take care and I hope you two can work through this.  In his defense, he may not really 'get it' and it might take a few more bumps in the road, but if you approach it right, it may start to soak in.  Just don't forget to appreciate the differences.  You don't have to always agree.  

I met my DH when we were 38 and 43 and I still had to talk to him about certain things I just didn't feel were appropriate.  He truly did not see what the big deal was.  But I did not say he was "wrong,"  rather I shared my perception and feelings.  The ding-a-ling still got him self in a pickle just last summer, ugh!  Sometimes guys are just trying to be kind and helpful and miss the signs.  

Enough out of me.  Let us know how things go.

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-02-2014 - 11:23am

Ok, well this explains a lot more and now I don't think you are being unreasonable since you really needed his help, your parents needed help with heavy lifting stuff which he should have realized etc.  I also kind of disapprove (if that's the right word, but I can't think of another way to say it right now) of this kind of a guy's night out.  I am not someone who thinks that a married couple needs to do everything together, but after I got married (at 27) my DH would do things like go out to golf, to play baseball and hang out after for beers, maybe play cards.  I would go out with the girls for dinner, shopping and that kind of thing.  I would really wonder why a married person would feel the need to go to a club EVERY weekend and stay out that late--I would wonder what he is doing in the club--and why he doesn't want you with him.  I have one girlfriend who met her guy in a club and now that they are dating exclusively if they go out dancing, they usually do it together--not that they never do things alone, but I'm sure it's more fun for her to dance with her BF than to dance with girls or have strange guys hitting on her.  And I'd also add this unsolicited advice too--my DH (now ex) wasn't doing anything bad when he went out but after we had kids, it seemed like he didn't expect his life to have to change at all and he still wanted to do all this stuff with his friends that he did before--I became very resentful of the fact that he was going out to have fun while he was still acting like a kid and leaving me home alone with the baby.  I think some talks between you & DH are in order about what your expectations are in supporting each other and spending time together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2014
Wed, 07-02-2014 - 8:06am

Thought I'd answer a few questions/clarify a few points, I didn't explain myself very well or provide enough information in my original post. And many of you are right, the support required was really for me, not the family.

I said minor surgery, it was surgery on his leg which means he has to wear a brace to keep it straight and will be on crutches for 6 weeks. I had to go to the house to help Mum with many things such as moving a bed downstairs. This was the consultant's suggestion as he said Dad would be in a lot of pain the first few days and it would be easier if he did not have to navigate the stairs (particularly since ours are steep, narrow and winding).

I didn't go to sit at the hospital I went to my parents house since they live far away and I wanted to be around to help as required and to be able to visit him in the evening. Dad and Mum both separately asked us to come, Mum so that she could concentrate on Dad and wouldn't have to worry about things at home, Dad because he was worried about Mum. I wanted my husband to come with me and told him so. A mixture of reasons, emotional support (minor procedure or not I felt I needed support), I was then looking after the farm as Mum and Dad were both at the hospital and I might have needed help, Mum has a bad back and I wasn't too keen on her moving the bed etc (I ended up sliding it down the stairs by myself with her steadying it) and also I just wanted him to come with me, it's surely not a crime to want his company? I didn't intend to suggest that "a crowd of people" should be "hanging around at the hospital" only that we live a long way away so if help was needed with anything they can't just call and you'll be there in 5 minutes.

If he had been working that would not have been a problem, you can't cancel work for something like that.

The comments about "boys nights out" may have been irrelevant, yes I know many people continue to have single friends after marriage, we both do and we both regularly spend time with friends with and without one another. I'd say we are generally a very social couple. The issue has been that his boys nights are almost every week, being out clubbing until 3am, and spending a fortune and they come above all else all the time even though they are nearly every weekend. If it had been a special occassion I wouldn't have asked him to cancel but it was just ANOTHER night in the same places with the same friends he went out with last week... and the week before... and...

I did ask him to come with me and while he didn't quite say "no way, my night out with friends is more important than my DW or FIL?" that was the gist of it.

I am 29

So I guess it comes down to I needed him to come away with me for ONE night, it was important to me and he wasn't interested. He is welcome to his "boys" time, I am happy for him to have it, I very rarely ask him for anything, it's the first time I've ever suggested he cancel plans with friends because I needed him and he was not prepared to do it. So forget the minor surgery and the FIL the real issue is he just wasn't prepared to put me before a few beers for one night.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 5:44pm

First, welcome to iVillage and the board!

I read the thread and here are my thoughts...

Not everyone perceives this situation the same, obviously!  But I think someone on here mentioned something very important: Did you ask him to come and support you, or was it a situation where you kind of felt it was obvious he should come?  Because I agree that there is a difference between you father needing support (from his daughter) and a DH going to support his DW.  

People look at surgery, procedures, illness, very differently.   When my xMIL was very ill, one of my children felt they should be at the hospital every free moment and my other child felt like one visit was enough during her entire hospital stay.  

This is where I think the difference lies between supporting the person who is ill, and supporting a loved one.  

So all I can really add is to maybe clarify in your own mind where you really feel the perceived betrayal is.  Is it that you asked your DH to support you and he rudely said "no way, my night out with friends is more important than my DW or FIL?"  Or did you say "I am going," and he just said "OK," and have not told him how you feel?  

You don't have to answer these questions for us, I just throw it out there to hopefully help you.  Would you be this upset if he had to work?  Or had another committment?  All of these ideas are just a kind of barameter to measure with.  

I can only guess your age since you seemed concerned with surgery at 60, but it will be very important to learn how to deal with these things early in your marriage.  

Personally, I am not a jump in the car and run to the hospital kind of gal, but some are and that is okay.  And accepting this difference wil make a huge difference.

Good luck and I hope you stick around and let us know what happens!!!

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2013
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 2:10pm
He doesn't have to support your family, unfortunately. But he does have to support YOU!! That is one of his jobs as your husband. If it is important to YOU that he be there, there should be no further discussion. Nothing should be more important to a spouse than being there for your husband/wife when they need your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-29-2014 - 12:39pm

I also wonder what the father wants--some people like to have their whole family around and others would rather be alone when they aren't feeling well.  I had to have 2 minor procedures years ago--the kind where it takes a couple of hours but of course you can't drive yourself home because of the anesthesia.  The first one my DH took me to the hospital but didn't even stay with me--my DD (who was then 17 or so) drove me home.  The 2nd one, I had just separated from DH but my DD was away at college and my son didn't drive yet so I asked my STBX to take me and I assume he drove me home too just cause there was no one else to do it at that time, but when I'm sick I would rather be alone or have one person around--I sure wouldn't want a group.  My ex was like that also.  He wouldn't even tell his family he was having anything done if he didn't have to.  But I'm sure there are others who like the care & concern.  So I think it really should be left up to the patient to say what he wants.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 06-29-2014 - 10:57am

Does he not intend to accompany you because you didn't ask him to and just expect it of him...and so he is unaware that you need him by your side for emotional support? It is not clear from your post.

If I had asked my husband to accompany me for emotional support, and he said 'no', I'd be very disappointed and upset.

Sure, it be nice if he didn't need to be asked and did...or at least asked if you'd like him there, but  some people can be pretty dang clueless; and unless you tell them directly and clearly what you need from them, they remain clueless.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Sat, 06-28-2014 - 10:07pm

NO..you are NOT being unreasonable at all!! YOu have every right to be mad at your husband.He is acting very selfish.What if it was HIS dad going into surgery...I BET he wouldn't  be out with 'the boys' then...Oh and see...YOU went with him when HIS father was going into surgery. I mean what the hell is marriage about nowadays?!! I just don't get it.Sometimes minor surgery CAN end up being major because anything can happen...I don't think it would hurt your husband if he was to NOT go out that night...my GOD I tell you....I think his decision alone to not go with you for your dad(because he SHOULD know how important this is to you) will set you guys back big time...Well I guess all you can do is go by yourself  BUT I know you would have LIKED your husband to be there with you...eventhough it's considered minor surgery...it's the fact that you're STILL worried and you would have liked your husband to be there for you for EMOTIONAL SUPPORT(.for those of you out there that don't get it)..that's part of marriage right? To have that support BUT your husband thinks it's not important for him to be there..BUT did you tell him that you wanted him there for emotional support because you're worried about your dad? IF you have told him that and he STILL feels that it's not necessary for him to be there...then he's just an ass...sorry.

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