Am I in the wrong or is he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2011
Am I in the wrong or is he?
9
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 4:12am

 I need an outside perspective please. First let me tell you a little about myself. I was never one of those people that felt the desire to leave the area I grew up in. I loved being around my family and my  four best friends. I wanted to eventually get married, build a house, get my degree, have kids you know all the typical stuff around that area.  So when I met my husband we were together for about 2 1/2 years when he decided he wanted to move up in the company and he took a job 3 hours away. This broke my heart he gave me an old tomatom said he was leaving with or without me. I thought long and hard decided maybe I needed to go outside of my comfort zone and give my relationship a chance and I moved with him. Well ended up moving 3 more times for his job but none of them were more than 3 hours away from my family. And after 7 years he finally wanted to get married. Each one of those times our finances was strecthed thin and with no impressive work experience I was usually forced to take whatever meanial job I could find quickly. Well we recently moved again and this move is different because my husband is now making good money and I'm 8 hours away from friends and family.  But he consideres this a tempory stepping stone in his career so he has no intention of staying in this place longer than a year. So I told my husband I wasnt going to work  and that I wanted to go to school so I could work toward having a good career someday. I'm taking 9 hours of online classes each semester which usually means an average of about 2 to 3 assignments a day which is ALOT of work. But according to him all I do is sit on my butt all day and do nothing while he works his ass off. I will admit I'm not the best housekeeper but my house is clean. But since I'm not working if the house isnt muesum quality he has no problem telling me how lazy I am and how his side of the family agrees. When I bring up tution or school he ignores me or proceeds to get angry and says since im lazy so he is having to pay all the bills and he cant help me with school and acts like I'm being a spoiled brat. But then he will proceeds to spend $100's of dollars on parts for our vehicles ( his is new, mine is 10 years old and paid off). I'm so frustrated I feel like Ive followed him and his career putting everything in my life on hold for him. And that for once it would be nice to focus on what I wanted in life and be supported in my endeavors. But he makes me feel like I'm an ungreatful spoiled houswife, he acts like a jerk because he says I can't understand how horrible it is that he works that hard and I cant get a job. Even if I tried to get a job we never stay in a location very long so that makes people not want to hire you for decent positions that and this town is very small. Am I wrong for feeling like it's his turn to support me emotionally in something I want to do?  I'd be gratful for any input....(please excuse my bad spelling, grammer, etc.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 9:37am

This marriage is not one of teamwork. He does what he wants and you are never consulted with nor considered in his decisions. He doesn't support your intelligent decsion to get a college education. He attacks you by calling you lazy. Doesn't sound like a loving, fulfilling existence to me. Why you've stayed, I don't know. Loving someone doesn't guarantee a life of happiness. If a partner doesn't treat you like you're someone cherished and special on a regular basis, you have to look at your self esteem. If you think it's low and think this is all you deserve in life, then you need to work on feeling better about yourself. Get some self help books from the library. Your goals and needs are important, too. If someone berates you and doesn't support a better life for yourself, do you think he really loves you? If that's how he shows love, I'd rather be alone. The only thing I'd ask yourself is if you could handle 15 credits, a full load, since you don't work or have kids. Only you know this. When I first went to community college, I worked full time and took 15 credits, so it can be done. It took 2 and a half years to get an associate degree. With only nine credits, it may take you 4 years, which is a long time.

I'd ask him to attend marital counseling, and if he refuses, it it was me, I'd stick up for myself and my goals. You teach a person how to treat you. Either you're a doormat, or you let a person know you won't tolerate such treatment. If it were me, I would've never married him and if I had married him, I'd be headed for divorce court right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 10:57am

No I don't think you are out of line.  So far everything has been about him and his career--all the moving (which apparently you aren't consulted on) and you are just supposed to shut up and go wherever.  So I'd say in the old days, when men were the primary wage earners, if a man did this & put his career at a priority, he would not even expect his wife to work.  And frankly if you don't have kids, how many hours a day would it take you to clean the house when no one is home messing it up?  A lot of women work all day and manage to clean the house, make dinner & do laundry, etc. (like me--and I had 2 kids).  If he wants the house to be cleaner, then he is welcome to participate in cleaning himself.  Is it really going to make a difference to the household finances if you get a minimum wage job?  Because with the little money that you take home, then you also have to pay for gas to get to work, lunches and probably better clothes too.

I think you need to have a discussion with him and point out that he is not the only one who gets to have career goals and so far everything has been about him--now you would like the opportunity to do things that you want to do as well.  It should not be impossible to do both.  Then you can see from his response how supportive he will be and make plans accordingly.  No matter what, I think you should get an education.  And it shouldn't really be from an online college--even community college I think would be looked on more favorably.

I am thinking about a friend of mine who unexpectedly got pregnant at 19, got married & had 3 kids in all with her 1st DH.  He was physically abusive to her but one thing that she said stuck in my mind.  She was very smart and wanted to go to college and be a doctor when she was in high school.  She said that one reason that she finally left besides the abuse was that she didn't want her DD seeing how she was not supported in anything that she wanted to do by her DH (and it's not like he had any big career).  When she married her 2nd DH (and had 2 more kids), then she finally went to college--now having FIVE kids altogether.  It's like night and day what her 2nd DH will do for her because he is PROUD of her achievements--for example, she says he is the main cook.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 11:06am

2 to 3 hours of homework a day and 9 hrs a week of on-line courses is not a lot.  My kids use to spend 4 hrs a day in high school, after they came home from school.  And in College, they spent 30 hrs in the classroom plus 5 hrs per day and every weekend on assignments. Some of their friends even held down part-time jobs.

Your problem is lack of "organization". You don't have kids? Right? Your home should not take that much time to keep tidy. Set up a plan and keep to it.

Find youself a part-time job; maybe working at Wal-Mart or something like that so you can help pay for your tuition. Look for some of those "on line jobs".  Look into providing home care for the elderly. I know a woman who does that and she moves arround a lot. 

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 11:49am

Your husband is NOT being unsupportive; he is saying you are lazy.  Those are 2 completely different things.  Myself, my family, and people world wide, manage to work AND go to school AND keep a house AND a yard AND raise a family.  It takes work, organization, and willpower, but is not impossible.   It seems like you have a lot of excuses why you cannot clean an apartment and take part-time classes on line at the same time.   I agree with your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2011
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 1:34pm

Well to answer a couple question I am taking online class through an accredited community college with an 89% graduation rate. Online class work load is more than a typical college class. For instance last semester I had a class that had two assignments due a week. Each assignment had 200 questions to answer plus a lab with 50 questions. Then at the end of a week you had a test with 250 questions over the quizes. This was an ocenography class and by any means was not easy and that was just one class. Some of my proffesors state in their slybus that you need to spend at least 4 hours a day on their assignments in order to past the class. On top of all this I have a learning disabilty which I am working hard to learn new study methods for me. And as for as a job I am an easily overwhemled person I never did well with school when I was working but Ive done it. But another reason I ve not gone back to work is I have been diagnosed with a rare lung dieases called primary cilliary dyskenisa. The last job I was at worked me 10 hours a day and between that the eviromennt made me very sick and ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung. My doctor told me he preffered that I not work unless I could get a job somewhere with a "clean room" like they have a microchip manafactuer cause I didn't even need to be in dust of a normal office or around people that can make me sick.  He suggested I go on disability but I didnt really like that idea. And Sabretooth my 3 bedroom  HOUSE is clean. I can have all laundry and dishes clean, house dusted, bed made, yard and garden weeded, bathrooms spotless,  dinner cooked and he will search around the house and get mad cause I didnt do something stupid like dust the top of the theromostate therefore Im "lazy". My last job I would work ten hours get home at midnight an expect to be back at work at 5:45. That meant if I was lucky I'd get maybe five hours of sleep. But when I got home I'd still have to clean and do laundry otherwise it wouldnt get done he's excuse was well my job is harder. So Sabertooth I appreciate you input but your incorrect I am not lazy I do everything but work and mow the yard ( which I can't do because of my lungs). And to everyone I appreciate your comments Its very frustating I love my husband he can be a wonderful but when it comes to how things are done he has a very old fashioned 50's mentatlity except he expects me to work too. He's been with is company for 12 years he doesnt understand the job market now days, doesnt understand how serious my lung diease can be if I dont take preventative measures, he is one of those people that had the mindset if he thinks it could be done then do it. He doesnt always realize things arent always that easy especially when you move all the time. He is also a manager at work I think he doesnt understand that he cant delegate things at home like an employer it's like he cant get out of that mind set. Not sure what I should do. Undecided

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2011
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 1:34pm

Well to answer a couple question I am taking online class through an accredited community college with an 89% graduation rate. Online class work load is more than a typical college class. For instance last semester I had a class that had two assignments due a week. Each assignment had 200 questions to answer plus a lab with 50 questions. Then at the end of a week you had a test with 250 questions over the quizes. This was an ocenography class and by any means was not easy and that was just one class. Some of my proffesors state in their slybus that you need to spend at least 4 hours a day on their assignments in order to past the class. On top of all this I have a learning disabilty which I am working hard to learn new study methods for me. And as for as a job I am an easily overwhemled person I never did well with school when I was working but Ive done it. But another reason I ve not gone back to work is I have been diagnosed with a rare lung dieases called primary cilliary dyskenisa. The last job I was at worked me 10 hours a day and between that the eviromennt made me very sick and ended up in the hospital with a collapsed lung. My doctor told me he preffered that I not work unless I could get a job somewhere with a "clean room" like they have a microchip manafactuer cause I didn't even need to be in dust of a normal office or around people that can make me sick.  He suggested I go on disability but I didnt really like that idea. And Sabretooth my 3 bedroom  HOUSE is clean. I can have all laundry and dishes clean, house dusted, bed made, yard and garden weeded, bathrooms spotless,  dinner cooked and he will search around the house and get mad cause I didnt do something stupid like dust the top of the theromostate therefore Im "lazy". My last job I would work ten hours get home at midnight an expect to be back at work at 5:45. That meant if I was lucky I'd get maybe five hours of sleep. But when I got home I'd still have to clean and do laundry otherwise it wouldnt get done he's excuse was well my job is harder. So Sabertooth I appreciate you input but your incorrect I am not lazy I do everything but work and mow the yard ( which I can't do because of my lungs). And to everyone I appreciate your comments Its very frustating I love my husband he can be a wonderful but when it comes to how things are done he has a very old fashioned 50's mentatlity except he expects me to work too. He's been with is company for 12 years he doesnt understand the job market now days, doesnt understand how serious my lung diease can be if I dont take preventative measures, he is one of those people that had the mindset if he thinks it could be done then do it. He doesnt always realize things arent always that easy especially when you move all the time. He is also a manager at work I think he doesnt understand that he cant delegate things at home like an employer it's like he cant get out of that mind set. Not sure what I should do. Undecided

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 8:28pm

He is being a selfish prick.You supported him through all his movings and his career..NOW it's his turn and he doesn't want to support you??! You're going to school full-time and working to better yourself. HE should be supporting you in this.I say divorce him and move on with your life.He's a selfish human being who will not change PLUS he has his family thinking this way about you too??! No..Leave the prick.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 08-10-2014 - 10:39am

If you have this lung disease, will you realistically be able to work?  If you qualify for Social Security disability, it would actually make more sense for you to receive it--there is no benefit to NOT receiving more money, plus it doesn't mean that you can't work.  You are allowed to try to go back to work without losing your benefits.  Plus I believe that you could get trained for a different job, maybe for free.  You should look into it--socialsecurity.gov.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 2:20pm

Seems some of the posters read your first post a little differently than I did.  

I am not going to say one of you right or one is wrong. What matters right now is how you feel.  Seems you feel unappreciated for what you do, and baggered for what you don't do.  

So, although I would agree that your DH is being a jerk, all things considering, we can't not look at your part in all of this.  What is that?  You moved around with him, you married him, and you are still there.  We always have a part.  We can't blame everything on someone else.  The question is "at what point, have I looked at my part and done about all the comprimising I can do and still be myself?"  

Guessing you are passive-agressive like I am and for us, this is hard.  I can tell you though that if you don't continue to talk to him, one day you will just loose it and years of resentment will flood out.  

I get it.  I really do.  I have  never been a high-energy person.  I like to stop and smell the roses.  I am okay just "being," I don't always have to be "doing."  

Important to listen to your DH and try to understand his perspective, but also be honest with him about how you feel without making it about right or wrong.  

I hope there was something helpful in there.  Good luck and feel free to send me a pm

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity