Can't handle his porn addiction :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2014
Can't handle his porn addiction :(
5
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 3:03pm

In our otherwise very happy (or maybe contented is a better word) 15 year marriage (2 kids), DH and I from time to time have gone through the same argument when I've discovered he's been using porn. I know it doesn't upset some wives, but as hard as I've tried to be accepting or tolerant, I just hate it. I hate the way it makes me feel, I hate how it changes him, I hate everything about it.

I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been understanding, I've been devastated, I've been defeated and I recently found out he is yet again accessing it online and some of the website titles alone are worrying :( I daren't look at the content, I don't want to know :(

All I know is he keeps breaking his promises not to do it, he knows how much it hurts me, he apologises, I forgive and we move on. Or so I thought.

He was really odd with me in bed the other night, I felt uncomfortable and just got that feeling something was not right. So I checked his computer. Yes I'm a snoop. I make no apology for that because I have his permission (odd as that might sound). We actually agreed one time that I could snoop his computer anytime I 'needed to' and I rarely do, but I just had a bad feeling.. I looked and he had deleted his history which he said he wouldn't do. So, unfortunately for him my IT skills are pretty good, I found another way to see what he's been viewing. 

I love him with all my heart but I can't deal with this. It's so ugly to me and I wish I didn't feel that way, I wish I was able to not care sometimes, but I do. 

I loathe confronting him. I feel like I must sound like his mother!!  It's excruciating. What do I do? I really can't handle it, it's changing the way I see him and it's eating away at me. But what's the alternative? I can't break up a happy family over this, I certainly don't want to but I can't live like it's not a massive elephant in the room either :(

I hope someone out there can help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 4:18pm

I would suggest counseling.  You have said many times that you don't want your DH to look at porn, he promises he won't, then he does, so obviously he's not going to stop.  So it seems like your choices are to accept that he is going to continue to do it or divorce him.  You can't force him to give it up if he doesn't want to any more than you could force him to quit drinking if he was an alcoholic and he didn't want to.  He obviously doesn't see it as a problem.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 8:04pm

There are ways to get help for this kind of addiction, just like any other addiction.  

It sounds like he has done all he can do on his own will power (i.e. being as honest as he can, and being transparent with you, which is huge!)  And, like any addiction, our own will power doesn't cut it.  

I really think counseling and although I am biased to 12 step programs, I am not sure how many of those kind of meetings are around.  But I would definately look into it.  

Since you said you have zero tollerance for porn, that does limit your options.  And I am unsure where that leaves your DH.  Men are just really visual.  

You  might want to see if iVillage still had a board for this topic.  They just moved a bunch of stuff around and combined several topics.  Worth a shot though.  

Good luck with everything.  Sounds like your DH really does want to make things work with you.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Mon, 04-07-2014 - 4:05pm

I don't think he has an addiction at all, but counseling would be a good choice since breaking up the marriage is not what you want to do.

Maybe it will help you find a way to meet in the middle. He needs to stop lying to you, and you need to decide if it is all or nothing. From the outside looking in, I would think a small amount of porn could be accommodated to save the marriage, but that is of course JMHO on a compromise. He needs to decide if he HAS to have at least some porn in his life or if he can go without to make you happy, and you both need to understand where the other draws the line. It is pretty hard to decide on the right thing for your future if you haven't had that kind of discussion.

Good luck. :-)

Yvonne :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Wed, 04-30-2014 - 10:16am

deleted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2014
Mon, 06-23-2014 - 12:18am
I think he could possibly have an addiction. I recently discovered that my husband of 18 years has been favoring porn & masturbation 3-4x/week instead of sex with me (maybe 2x/month). I've never been in another long term relationship, so I didn't know what the norm was. I just knew something wasn't right about our relationship. Seven years married, I learned about his habits of calling 900 numbers. When I confronted him, he stopped...but only to start internet porn and chat rooms. The years went on and things just weren't right. I had an affair. Things are ugly! Knowing what I do now, I wished I would have had someone advise me to (1) put my foot down, (2) demand counseling, (3) put filters/blocks on the internet and cell phone. If his actions persist, I would choose separating -- as opposed to putting my heart at risk of getting involved with someone else and complicating my heart! By not demanding he correct his actions, I put myself at risk of hurt down the line. Do it for yourself. Make him get help.