confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2014
confusion
8
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 1:45pm

long story but im going to make it short. me and my ex wife got married and had 2 kids young by the age of 20. i am in the military and in 06 was shipped to korea for a year while she was pregnant with the second baby. the distance killed me and i broke down while i was over there i made mistakes by cheating and i asked her for a divorce. the situation got bad when i realized that i wanted them back in my life i tried but she didnt trust me and being so young i kept doing the wrong things and making the situation worse! eventually we hated eachother she kept me from the kids and i hurt cause i never did wrong by them. over the years ive tried and then suddenly 2 months ago we started communicating again as friends. two weeks ago i took her on a date and did things for her like pick her up from work and just hang out even if it was for an hour. when we would talk she would always bring up the past even though im a changed man i did my best to let her get it out but to also reassure her that im different. throughout this last three weeks she has been debating on us having a relationship again. one minute shes talking about us living together the next she so fearfull and to scared. yesterday she came to the conclusion that she sees that ive changed and we love eachother but she cant get over her fear of me possibly leaving again. i want my family back what do i do

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: mprun04
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 2:44pm

For one thing I think you should take things very slow.  Instead of trying to decide after 3 weeks of dating whether you should live together, first try to be friends.  If you step up to the plate and you are a good dad and good person and she has the time to see that, then maybe she will come around.  Then even if you don't end up having a romantic relationship it will be better for everyone, especially the kids, if you & she get along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
In reply to: mprun04
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 2:49pm

Not quite sure what you would want any of us to say.  It's up to your ex-wife if she wants to get back with you or not.  You've only been in contact for a short period of time, what is the rush?  As for you not being allowed to see your children, your ex could not have kept you away, you could have gone to court and got visitation.  You still sound very young and want what you want when you want it...life is not that way.  If you really want to make things work, take it slow, don't pressure her, and keep doing the right things by her and your children.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: mprun04
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 7:16pm

I agree, take it slow.  As much as you can, try to date again.  Eventually yes, she would have to let go of the past for you two to truly reconcile.  I say give it a go and see where things go.  If it doesn't work out and she can't move on, then at least you know that you tried.

Good luck!

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2014
In reply to: mprun04
Fri, 04-11-2014 - 8:17am

No im not young and i dont think young...i made my mistakes when i was young. i have been very patient with her and will continue to to be even though i have no clue whats going on. i dont want anything fast other than for her to say i dont trust you but i will give you the oppertunity to regain my trust. all the dreaming comes from her when we are around eachother but when we part she goes back to thinking that i will leave her again which is her biggest fear. hat is a good way to show her im not leaving? i think its just to be around to be there no matter what and thats what ive committed my self to. a few different thoughts have crossed my mind about this. one being do i just tell her that im going to back away from her until she makes a decision but if her worry is me leaving wont that put more fear in her heart? the other is to be there as much as i can without being annoying or seeming desperate of course. i can tell she likes spending time with me and talking to me but she just keeps pushing me away smh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 04-11-2014 - 10:31am

Yes I think that backing away would be self defeating.  The only way she knows you will not leave is for you to stick around even when the going gets tough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
In reply to: laurena82
Tue, 04-15-2014 - 7:03pm

Hi MPRUN,

Not sure if I completely understand your situation, but if you are living in same area as your exW and children, I would agree with others re just spend time with her and kids as much as she is comfortable with----

I"m thinking of lunches out, going to events with her and your kids, taking her and kids to park (how old are they?) simple amusement things......eat at McDonalds, then you and she can talk while they are in the play room, that sort of stuff.

Yes, apparently there is alot of trust to rebuild with her. If you have outings like this with her and/or with her and kids for another month or so, ......THEN , rather than asking her to move right in with you...ask her if she is willing to go to counseling with you, to help work through her "regaining trust" issues, and help you learn what you need to do to help her through this.  If she agrees to this, that is good---it is showing her committment to wanting to move forward in a relationship with you.

I also wonder, since you HAVENT been with her that much, if you might have some unrealistic (idyllic) idea re: what your relationship with her would be like if you DID live together again.  You sound very sincere, ...but,  we're all human, and sometimes *memories* seem to have a sweetness that forgets some of the rougher spots..............which... (lol), once you are living together again, you might be somewhat roughly reminded of!!! ......so, the point being,...dont stake your *only* future happiness on living with exW again....might be good thing, might not------> but spending a GRADUAL time (like I mentioned initially) with each other will not only help HER to better be able to decide she wants to commit to working on trust issues and live with you again....but, ...will also benefit YOU, as you MAY possibly decide maybe it's NOT such a good idea......and, instead, just work at getting regular parenting times with your kids. Do you have scheduled visitation or parenting time with your kids currently?  

BEST WISHES through all of this---

and keep us posted ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
In reply to: mprun04
Wed, 04-16-2014 - 8:04am

She might come to trust you again in time or all the mess from before might just go round and round in her mind and stay stuck that way if left on its own. It sounds like you two have some major issues between you that time did not heal. I would ask her to go to marriage counseling. Sometimes they can work magic, it works. In a strange way, it's also fun because you learn things about yourself that you had no idea about. Perhaps make it a date, weekly marriage counseling (of course you do not have to be married to go) then lunch or dinner out? Good luck.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Thu, 04-17-2014 - 3:40pm

Sometimes when we are with someone and enjoying ourselves, we forget about our lack of trust. Then, we get with ourselves and the old thinking sets in.

I'd go with your first thought of being there no matter what. I'm sure you are, but I would certainly be grateful that I am even back in my family's life at this level, particularly when it seemed highly unlikely at one point. I would absolutely not threaten to back off...she just might let you. It's up to you to make the commitment to yourself that you are going to do whatever it takes and that you are not going anywhere. And if you think it feels like it would be a waste of your time trying and always meeting up with resistence, then try to keep in mind, again, you are at least back in the fold somewhat and that things don't always move and adhere to 'our timeframe'.

Take it slow, build that trust up again. She was deeply wounded and she's going to need to protect herself and the kids and be absolutely sure getting back together is in everyone's best interest.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board