Dh is Consumed with his families problems, help!
Find a Conversation
|Tue, 06-17-2014 - 11:27pm|
I will make this short. I'm sure someone has some great advice that I am overlooking.
My husband has always been a little bit on the "depressed" side, or a negative thinker. He's had highs and lows with money stress (it is slow where he works and his hours got cut a bit, exc.)....he has stress, so I hate to see him get so upset about all his family members problems. Quick background: he is close with his brother Tom. That is great! Tom is a pretty decent guy. Tom calls my husband every night, they are close, that's great.
Tom's wife (my sister in law) is most likely a hyperchondriac and won't leave the house, so Tom calls my husband about that and my husband worries. I do too, I like my sister in law....so, I have sympathy. HERE is my problem. My husband and Tom have another brother who REAPPEARED in their lives after disappearing for 20 years -- no joke. So "Charlie:" disappeared from the family from age 45 to age 64 and just reappeared 1 year ago.
We think he "left the family"; after the family got angry at him that he didn't come to town for his own mother's funeral. So.....Charlie reappeared 1 year ago and lately *Every Night* Tom (my pleasant brother in law) calls my husband and states he thinks Charlie is on drugs, that Charlie will call my brother-in-law Tom's house rambling, that Charlie's girlfriend thinks Charlies has post-traumatic stress disorder, exc exc. So my husband and Tom were going to "Baker Act" him one weekend and they changed their minds. Charlie started acting coherant/ok. But **Every Night** Tom calls my husband and they get each other stressed out about "is something wrong with Charlie" and "is Charlie maybe taking drugs"......even Charlie's girlfriend (she is a 65 year old lady, Charlies is also 65) will call the 2 brothers saying he seems cranky. They all worry about Charlie a lot. It seems to have *Depressed* my husband. Yes, they do occasionally confront Charlie (they ask him does he want to see a doctor, he seems incoherent, exc. He always says he's fine) Charlie has not actually done anything to warrant any type of intervention or anything.....so my husband gives me updates every night "Today, Charlie seemed ok on the phone" or my husband will say "Tom thinks Charlie was acting funny today". Final straw -- tonight my husband sat me down and gave me a 20 minutes speech on how Charlie is......that he thinks Charlie's girlfriend only likes Charlie for his money.......does Charlie maybe take drugs, exc exc exc.
Then, I nicely gave my opinion, that Dh can't really protect Charlie, Charlie is a grown man and he gets to pick who he dates exc exc. Dh yelled that dh is "Done talking about it, stop talking"...... So DH gets so worried/stressed about Charlie (a brother who deserted him for 20 years and barely knows my husband's 17 year old son, Charlies nephew)that dh yells at me out of stress. I don't get it? One more thing.....Charlie moved 1 street away from Tom. So Tom calls my dh each night with stories about "what is going on with Charlie, is he on drugs? Is his girlfriend a bad influence..." and Tom and my Dh get all gossipy and obsessed with Charlie. I miss the days when they worried about Tom's wife, the one who won't leave the house.....at least she was a loyal member of the family. This Charlie, he moved back to town, is kind of cold to everyone, talks poorly about my dh's deceased mother, exc exc exc.......and worrying about him has kind of depressed my husband. I don't get it. One time my 12 year old son was in the car when DH was talking to Tom on phone about "is charlie using drugs exc exc" And I finally told dh, please don't talk about stuff like that in front of my son it may upset my son (talk of "Baker-acting": charlie, exc)
Dh and Tom, his brother, used to talk about fun stuff sometimes, like sports. Now every night they talk about Charlie, and then my Dh frowns all night and seems stressed. The family is a bit drama prone, based on past things....
My thought is this -- Charlie is a 65 year old man who was gone for 20 years...we can't babysit him. It's his choice who he dates or if he takes drugs or not, why should my dh be all worried every single night? My dad found out tonight he is indeed having back surgery as he thought, and when I told my dh he didn't even hear me. I mean, there are other people in our lives besides Charlie (to talk about). If I suggest my dh go to a counselor, he won't go (dh did say tongiht he hasn't been happy in a long time because of his job and money issues)....what would you do?