End of the rope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
End of the rope?
6
Fri, 07-04-2014 - 11:24pm

It's the 4th of July, at one time this was my favorite holiday. The parades, friends, family parties. Fireworks. That was all until 11 years ago. When I met my husband. For the past 11 years I haven't gone to one cookout, fireworks display or parades. If I knew then what I knew now. Am I upset about this no. Do I feel like I sacrifice my likes for him YES. How does one change who they are so much? I recently had a blow out with my husband about our relationship. We've been able to communicate well in our years together and I've never felt like this, but I am at the end of my straw with him . It seems that nothing I say he hears. Nothing I do is appreciated, thanked for - it is just assumed. Where did I give him the impression that this is acceptable? How do I make him see that I am serious when I say I am close to the end? I can't even go to bed without feeling aggression towards him. Did you give up everything you had or ever feel like it was slipping away? How did you rescue it? I am afraid to be on my own-there is a child involved but I am sick of putting my likes aside. Child and I already do so much without him, that I sometimes get the impression people think I am single. Child gets upset when he chooses not to participate with us in daily activities. How do I get him to see he is bringing this house down. Child is old enough to see what is going on, I worry about how this may affect child in future as well. Am I over reacting? Anyone else have this problem? Anything similar? I hate to give up, but I am not sure how many more 4th of  July 's I am willing to miss.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 07-05-2014 - 2:21pm

How was he when you met him?  Was he the life of the party, or was he always withdrawn?  Does he work?  Does he leave the house for his own interests, or does he just stay home most of the time?  Does he talk to his friends and others?

Without a lot more information, it's hard to figure out what's really going on.  However, if he goes out with friends, has lot of other people in his life that he communicates with, and is fine when he's not with you, then the problem is your marriage, and you need counseling to decide if you need a lawyer.

If, on the other hand, he does NOT go out of the house for anything except work, if he has no friends, if he does not communicate with anyone, then he could be depressed, be bi-polar, be agoraphobic, be OCD....  Being upset that someone with an untreated mental or emotional illness does not behave "normally", is like being upset that your blind child keeps breaking things, and making messes.

You need to find out EXACTLY what is going on with your husband, and if it is an illness, you decide to either push him for treatment, or accept that he is not doing the things he does ON PURPOSE, love him for what he IS, or leave and find someone who likes to go to parties.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 07-06-2014 - 10:55am

Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling with you?  It seems like you have tried to talk to him but haven't gotten through but maybe a 3rd party would be able to help.  If not, then I'd say you should go to counseling by yourself.  My 2nd DH, who has bipolar disorder, wasn't exactly the life of the party.  When he introduced me to his family & friends, I thought wow, this is great, I really like these people and we'll be having a lot of fun together.  I didn't know then that he was satisfied seeing them only 2-3 times a year at holidays.  He always had an excuse why he didn't want to go out--it will be too hot, too crowded, we'll have to wait too long for dinner, etc.  But on the other hand, if he was in the mood, we could have very nice days out going to museums, going to dinner, to plays, etc.  But I'd say that now after we are divorced and I have a new group of friends, my social life has improved so much and I always have things to do on weekends.  You have to think about this--if you are always doing things alone with your child anyway, what would be the difference except financially?  You are unhappy with the situation the way it is, so I'd explain very clearly to your DH that you are so unhappy that you are thinking of getting a divorce and ask him if he cares at all about that or if he is willing to try to save the marriage.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 07-07-2014 - 1:37pm

Welcome to the board!

Yea, Sabr mentioned some good things to look at.  Was he always like this?  Does he socialize, just not with you?  Or is this just how he is, with or without you?

So much I could say I am not sure where to even start.  

Me and DH have had some ups and downs in this area.  He likes to do things, but isn't necessarily social.  I am social, but I don't have to always be on an adventure to have fun.  I like to somewhat plan ahead, and he like to be spontaneous.  

I think the difference is that me and DH since we got together 8 years ago have slowly worked through this.  It can still be an issue, but not like it was in the beginning.  It sounds like your situation has taken its ride about as far as you are willing to and therefore you are at a breaking point.  

Is there any compromise with him at all?  There are days my DH wants to do something I just really have to tell him I am not up for it.  BUT....there are also times I go along for the ride with him, whether I think it will be fun or not, because he is my DH and I want to spend the time with him.  More times than not, I end up being glad I went.  

So I would suggest looking at the questions Sabr proposed and take a look into marriage counseling.  If he won't go, you may sadly have your answer.  

Good luck and keep us posted!!!

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
Tue, 07-08-2014 - 9:21pm

Hello again! It's hard to say how he was compared to how he is. He certainly was never a party person, neither was I. My 'going out' was to see fireworks, dinner, just to the beach for now reason. Now I think it's been 3 years since he gone to the beach- he has no desire to go so much as I planned a vacation without him to the beach. Child wants to go- how do I explain every time dad doesn't want to. I don't anymore and just do it. He can stay home and be miserable by himself. Financially it would be difficult without him. I just can't get him to see that child is like me and wants to go and be adventurous, one of these days he is going to wake up and child will be 15, he will have missed out on so much. It's almost as if, I don't care about me but more what he doesn't do with child. Ugh. So frustrating. There are things we do together that he likes but he has lost interest in so much. I really just don't know what to do. All the things I fell in love with him for are gone. The activities. I realize owning a house is  huge responsibility and there is always upkeep but sometimes I think you have to just let it go.  I have gone to counselling before without him, I may need to do it again, clear my head before jumping into his. Thanks for letting me rant!!!

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 07-08-2014 - 10:46pm

<<<...he has lost interest in so much...>>>  Your husband is depressed.  HE is NOT doing this on purpose.  HE will NOT "wake up" one day, because he is ill and cannot control his feelings.  He needs help, and compassion.  How do you explain this to your child?  The same way you would explain if your husband became paralyzed.  "Daddy is ill, and we need to understand that he can't do what other Daddys do.  That doesn't mean he doesn't love us, and we need to love him, just the same."

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 07-10-2014 - 1:37pm

Sabr may be very well correct that he is depressed.

I am curious though after reading your second post, does he stay home and do things?  You mentioned upkeep on the house, so I was unclear if you meant he feels like he needs to stay home and get stuff done?  Or are you litteral that he seems to stay home and do nothing, appearing to be miserable.  

Does he tell you how he feels?  Is he really miserable, as you said, or is he happy to stay home?  I ask because I LOVE it when I get the house to myself for an entire day.  

Either way, whether he is clinically depressed or has some other issue going on, it needs to be addressed in a way that will be productive.  

My DH struggles with depression along with other issues and when he passes on going somewhere with me it is very clear whether he graciously passes and is okay OR if he is not okay and I come home to a dark house with him vegging on the couch or the bedroom.  He has received professional help, so we know what to do.  

But IF this is what is going on with your DH and he has NOT received help, I hope you are able to lead him to some.  

If this is not the case, well then you have another issue entirely and I still hope you can find a way to work together.

Hang in there and keep us posted.  Hugs...

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity