I feel stuck, I don't love him, I won't leave him, I can't talk to him

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2014
I feel stuck, I don't love him, I won't leave him, I can't talk to him
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 1:31am

My husband and I have been married for a short time. He's lazy, unmotivated, overweight, selfish and seemingly incapable of doing anything without my asking him. He tells me that I critacize him all day, everyday and I assure him and the readers I do not! We go to therapy together because we want this to work out and recently we had a break through. As it turns out even when I compliment him he hears something negative. Compliments that are as plain as day are perceived by him as something negative. He is extremely defensive even when I come to him with a light tone and even more childish frequently. I am unhappy and afraid to say anything to him at this point. I constantly watch what I say even though there are issues to address. I am especially careful about what I say now because of our findings in therapy. Another thing that came to light in therapy is that his forgetfullness is limited to anything about someone other than himself. During sex, that I am only having with him because I'm supposed to, his arms can't even hold himself up for very long. He won't exercise to raise his stamina but I'm the bad guy when I say I don't want to have sex. My libido is just fine by the way, I just don't want him to touch me. He doesn't even try to seduce me first, it's always just "do you want to have sex?" if I say "no" he'll ask me "why?" I can't answer that question because technically it will be a criticism so all I can say is "just because..." What a lame answer! And I'm still the bad guy! I can't NOT be the bad guy in any situation and it's gotten to the point where effort is showing no hope of being fruitfull on my end. There are so many other things I could address here but for now I don't even know what I'm looking for in this forum. I don't want to burden my friends and family with all of this and I can't talk to him. So, I need to vent, I would love to hear advice on anything, I will answer questions if anyone would like to take a personal interest in my situation. I'm reaching out because I'm at my wits end and I'm open to hear any input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

My question is why you want to stay in this very unfulfilling situation?  I was with someone for 8 yrs (married for 5) who was very negative all the time.  He had bipolar disorder so this was only one of his symptoms, but it was the same kind of thing--if I said "I like it when you do X because it's better than my 1st DH" his response would be "why did you like your 1st DH better?"--even if I agreed with him on something, he'd try to start an argument.  But he was not lazy and unmotivated--he worked very hard and was helpful around the house.  since you have not said one positive thing about your DH I just wonder why you feel that you need to be in this situation.  As my friend said to me when I was telling her the latest problem with my exH--Is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life?  I decided it was not, got a divorce 6 yrs ago and have been 100% happier.  I am not cavalier about getting divorced for any minor thing but this sounds like it's hopeless.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

It doesn't sound like either one of you is right or wrong in this situation.  You are each who you are, so the question for either of you would be "are you okay with this if the other person never changes?"  

I am curious, what attributes did he have thought brought the two of you getting married?  Is any of that still there, or is it gone?  It is good you are going to T.  I hope this brings you both clarity, what ever direction you decide to go.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006

Why don't you leave this marriage? What is keeping you still in it? LIfe is TOOOOOOO short!!! STop being imprisoned by this person...you need out.Get out.I'm sure it has something to do with finances..am I right? I tell you...counseling will not work.It's wasting your precious time that you have on this planet. So WHY will you NOT leave him???

Oh and PLEASE don't say it's because of a kid or kids...why have them be miserable with you???Please get out of this waste of time of a marriage...