In love with another man
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|Fri, 05-30-2014 - 7:22am|
I have been married to dh for 8 years, we have a son and a daughter. We do not fight much, but have not had sex since my daughter was conceived (she is almost 4) I think I love, him, I want to love him, I am not totally sure that he loves me, but we both absolutely love our children. I know that there is potential for our marriage to work, I am just not sure how to make it work. I am also pretty sure that if things carry on as they are, it will fall apart.
2 and a half years ago I met a group of people in an online rpg who I became friends with. My husband works evenings, plus I was pretty overwhelmed by my 2 young children, so it was great to hang out and game with them. I totally confess to playing games on my computer way too much and using it as an escape from my life. I play for maybe 5-6 hours a day (during dd's nap and after the children are in bed). I fully acknowlege that it would be better if I gamed less. In saying that, I very much value this group of people as friends, and having known each other for over 2 years, I care for them as much as friends who are not online.
1 and a half years ago, I started spending a lot of time gaming with one friend in particular Mr "X" who is also married. Thinking back, I have probably had feelings for him almost since then. I have never actually cheated, but I probably talk to him more than my husband, I think about him all the time, I change my schedule so that I can game with him. I do not know if he returns these feelings, but I know he thinks of me as a close friend, and there is definate light flirtation. I do not have any intention of cheating on my husband (though I do in my head all the time). It has got to the point now, where I get upset if he doesn't message me or want to do something with me in game and I find myself analysing stuff he says to me, I know it is ridiculous, but I cannot help it. I have not told him how I feel, and I do not intend to, but it would not suprise me if he figured it out.
I cannot carry on like this. I spend most of my time upset, I find my mind wandering to him when I am doing other things, I am devoting emotions and energies to this that should be spent on my family.
The obvious solution is to just cut off all contact with him, delete his number and emails and messages and unfriend him on all my games, but I cannot bring myself to do it, the thought of it just breaks my heart, plus I would have to stop interacting with my other online friends. It would really leave a big hole in my life. Also he would be hurt if I just suddenly did that, I could not do it with some kind of explanation, and while I think he might know how I feel, actually coming out and saying it crosses a line. Plus my husband also plays the game that we play and sometimes hangs out with us in chat, and would wonder if I suddenly stopped playing it, and ditched my friends.
The second solution is to just really dial back my playtime, and engage in other activities. I feel like this would be best, but not sure if it is enough. I would not need to explain anything to anyone, as it is perfectly reasonable to do more non computer based activities especially with summer coming up, plus I do have a lot of things on my to do list that would get done a whole lot faster. There are times that I know he is not online (while he is at work) that I could hang out with the other friends. My concern about this is that it is not enough, I know I will probably check to see if he is online when I am on my computer if he is still on my friends lists, I will find myself really looking forward to the time I can spend with him. Is this really a half measure that will not work? Do I have the willpower to just game in moderation?
My ultimate aim is to have a happy marriage and be friends with him, I am just not sure how to achieve that, all I know is that things cannot stay as they are.
Any advice or input is appreciated