My Husband Cheated

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2014
My Husband Cheated
4
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 7:08pm

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. The first two years where great! I never felt love from another person like I felt from him. But after our daughter was born things changed. I have found out that he has been cheating on me for the pass three years! He doesnt look at it as cheating because he has just been talking to women on the internet and texting and talking on the phone. He feels that since I didnt catcht him having sex with anyone then it's harmless. He says he only wants me and nobody else. But that doesnt make sense to me. This has really hurt me really bad to the point were I feel soooo ugly and I feel sooo unloved and I am having a hard time getting through this. Any advise that any of you can give would be great, thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 7:19pm

While your DH may not have technically "cheated," what he did was inappropriate for a married man.  There is no reason for him to have secret friendships with women--if what he did was ok in his eyes, why did he need to hide it from you?  If he had a legitimate friendship with a woman, he would feel free to introduce her to you so you all could be friends and there would be nothing to hide.  Now what you do next is up to you--whether or not you can trust him to stop, whether he can be made to see that this is wrong (I'm sure he knows that it's wrong and is only saying to you that it was innocent.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2014
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 7:27pm

Thank you for replying. I told him the samething and then I found out that he was telling these women that he was single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 05-09-2014 - 10:35am

I really suggest marriage counseling. He needs an impartial third party to let him know that boundaries have been crossed and it can never happen again or he risks losing you. If he refuses to go, start going yourself to let him know the seriousness of the matter. If he doesn't take steps to stop this behavior, you need to make a plan to leave the marriage if this is unacceptable to you. Try to change your state of mind about self-loathing. He was the one practicing hurtful behavior, not you. He is the flawed person, not you. If he felt something lacking in the marriage, then he should've been a mature man and asked for what he wanted.

If he's truly sorry and shows signs of stopping the behavior, then you two should concentrate on getting that emotional connection back, since that's usually the reason emotional affairs happen. Google some ideas on activities you can engage in to reastablish a love connection. I'm sorry this hurtful thing has happened to you. I wish you well.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 05-09-2014 - 12:48pm

Hi Tara, welcome to the board and iVillage.

So sorry this is what has brought you here.  Your DH is clearly behaving inappropriately (at a minimum).   To be honest, if he is seeking women out and telling them he is single, I would find that horribly concerning.  

It is one thing to stumble into an emotional affair (EA) with a co worker or neighbor, etc.  But what you are describing is different.  

I don't doubt that your DH loves you and it may be very possible that he hasn't actually been physical with another woman at this point, but to be honest, if he has been talking to other women for 3 years, I would have to wonder.  

All I can really say is to go to marriage counseling (MC).  This needs to be nipped right now for you two to have a chance.  You may also want to check out our Betrayed Spouses Board.  

http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/betrayed-spouses-support

Good luck and I hope you stick around and let us know how things go.  Hugs...

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