Regular recurring expenses question??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2014
Regular recurring expenses question??
Fri, 07-11-2014 - 11:18am

Just feel I need to get an opinion ... do you all out there feel that asking a spouse before paying a regular occuring monthly bill is necessary. Key word, a regular occuring monthly expense.  My husband and I (28 years now, although recently not sure if they are entirely happy years - minus my kids of course ...) have hit a rough spot and for the last few years, something has changed, so paying regular monthly expenses seems to have fallen on my income, if I happen to pay a bill without asking first, I get the silent treatment (his coping mechanism I guess, rather than temper rants). I don't know if I have finally just opened my eyes and seen the light or ?.  I needs your opinions please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 07-11-2014 - 12:05pm

No, I don't understand why you would need to ask him every month.

How do you handle the money? We deposit both of our paychecks into a joint account so its not his money or my money. Early in our marriage we had separate accounts and each contributed half to the joint expenses and paid our personal expenses separately but after a few years we started pooling the money. We never "kept score" of contributed more.

Why does he get upset if you don't ask him first? Does he want to be in charge of the bill paying? Does he not trust you to manage the money or does he have control issues? Without understand your method for handling money and making financial decisions its hard to answer your question.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 07-11-2014 - 1:43pm

Yea, that is odd.  

He is wanting you to talk to him first before paying a normal monthly bill?  Not sure it matters, but is it one particular bill he seems to want to know about every month?  Are you infering that your DH no longer has an income or his income has decreased?  

A bit curious if he is just wanting to monitor the water bill or electricity bill, or is this something with a fixed cost?  

Anywho, yea... a bit more information would be helpful.  


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-11-2014 - 1:56pm

I was married twice.  Both times, we had a joint account and I paid ALL the bills and never asked my spouse about paying anything.  In my 2nd marriage, my (now ex)H, seemed to want control over paying the cell phone bill because it had been in his name before the marriage and then he added me--after the phone almost got shut off a few times because he forgot to pay it, he realized he was better off letting me handle everything.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 07-11-2014 - 10:58pm

All our money is OUR money, regardless of who makes what, or how much. Dh manages the savings, and I manage the checking and bill paying.  Whether thay are recurring bills, or a one shot deal, I ask dh to ALWAYS ask me before he takes money from the checking account.  It may LOOK like there is money sitting in the account, but it may be there awaiting an incoming bill, or there may be a payment that has not yet cleared.  The same thing applies to me, before I take money out of savings.  I don't know how much is TRULY liquid, or if it is awaiting transfer to another account, or if it is for a pending investment.  I think it is common sense to ask, rather than risk bouncing checks.

BTW, how can you be with someone for 28 YEARS and "recently" not know if you were happy during that time?  Heck, how can you suddenly not know if you were happy yesterday?   Do you have some kind of memory problem?  Perhaps that is why your DH wants you to ask him before you pay a bill.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 5:48pm

Hi Rockin--

I'm not understanding the question either, I dont think?

Are you saying that most bills wind up getting paid with your income, and so you are paying most of them, then he's acting like he's mad at you for paying them? (silent treatment?)

All I can guess is that he feels badly that he cant afford to pay them.....and/or (in his mind) is turning this into you dont think he's capable of paying them so you are doing it (emasculating him?).................however, if he truly cant pay them in does he want to DONT pay them, and let them go to default?

Maybe you need some talking or counseling re: what's really his issue---I'd guess feeling bad re: not able to contribute........??

Maybe you can explain further, and we can give you some better input/ideas??

(hugs) and best wishes!