sorry in advance as feel that i need to rant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2014
sorry in advance as feel that i need to rant.
7
Sun, 07-06-2014 - 4:41pm

so sorry but i have so much resentment and anger inside that i feel like exploding.

IT seems like i have reached the end of the line with my husband and i really feel that i cannot stand the sight of him. I feel like i am married to a 5 year old child and i am scared about the person that i have become.

We have been married for eight years, my second marriage and his third. From the start there were problems that i chose to ignore, his secrecy lies etc but the worst is his inability to talk. honestly he comes home every night gets his dinner handed to him and then he sits staring a the television . At bedtime the only thing that gets turned on is the tv, which is on until we fall asleep. If i ask if we could even eat our meal without tv he goes in a huff and doesnt talk so it is pointless.

I have basically given up and just keep myself to myself, however i feel so alone. i have needed to be seen at the hospital recently and he didnt even ask me how i got on. My doctor phoned my house and he didnt even ask what she wanted. He shows no interest in anything in my life, my work or anything. All i see is the side of his face as he sits glued to the tv day and night 24/7.

He is so materialisitc and has numerous expensive hobbies which he takes so much care over, polishing them etc. I hate to say this but recently one broke and i was glad ! how horrible is that ! I have even felt like smashing them up but i dont. The anger is inside, i feel unwanted neglected i feel invisible.

I know that marriage can be difficult and that compared to some people this is not a big deal but i just dont know if i can live my life like this.

I am in my fifties but have health problems, i fear getting worse as i will be stuck here in this silent marriage. This is so horrible but sometimes i fantasise about him dying and then i feel like i am such a bad person. i despise him and dont feel like i love him anymore.

The house drives me crazy as like a child he wont do anything and i have to ask and then he goes in a mood.  He is so pathetic. I dont fancy him physicaly either, i just dont know what to do. i have been for counselling myself but he refused to go. there just doesnt seem to be anyway out of this.

I just dont know if i could start again and get another mortgage. Do i just count my blessings that i have a house and an ok lifestyle financially?

i have children and grand children of my own who are a great comfort i just miss the intimacy of having someone who gives a damn.

best wishes to you all

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 07-07-2014 - 8:16am

Hello LucyLu, My first marriage mirrored yours in many ways in the last 5 years of it. My husband did care about my health, but he suffered from depression and wouldn't speak at the dinner table. After dinner, he'd retreat to the garage and work on his bicycle, one of his several hobbies. I told him I was lonely and said I wanted a divorce. To prevent this, he went to the psychiatrist and got on meds and life was great for 2 years. He then weaned himself off the meds and life went back to being even more miserable than before. At that point, I was done. Sounds like you are done as well. You've done your part by going to counseling. Since he refuses to go, there's really nothing you can do. In your fifties, you probably still have at least thirty years left to live. That's a long time to live with someone who is indifferent to you. 

I would rather live in a studio apartment by myself than with someone who ignores me. So what if you have to downsize your living quarters? Whatever needs to be done to start your new life is worth the cost. I ended my marriage and it was rough financially at first, but over the years I was able to financially recoup. I was 45 when I divorced. Two and a half years later, I met my future husband, who makes me feel special every day. We've been together five years, and I'm 100 percent happier. He takes time off of work when I'm sick, and I feel like a priority. You're never to old to make a new start for yourself. Stop with the excuses of being able to get a new mortgage. If you have to rent the rest of your life, it's better than living a lonely life in a nicer abode. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-07-2014 - 11:37am

I was married to 1st DH for 13 yrs, 2 kids, then a few years later I met 2nd DH--we were married for 5 yrs.  I also ignored the bad signs before we got married (emotional outbursts) and found out after we got married that he has bipolar disorder.  Well I didn't want to get divorced again, so embarrassing, plus there were financial considerations but it was alwasy an emotional roller coaster.  Finally one day I was talking to my friend and she said "we just turned 50--is this how you want to live the rest of your life?"  Not to mention that he was upsetting my kids.  I decided that even if I had to sell my house and rent a smaller place, it was worth it to get rid of him.  He actually said I could wait to pay out his money from the house until my son graduated from high school which is coming up now, 6 yrs later.  You sound very unhappy and unless you could just tolerate him like a roommate while you go out and live your own life, which doesn't sound like it, you should probably get divorced.  He doesn't seem to care too much.  Even if you have to go from owning to renting, it's not the end of the world if  you don't have to stare at this guy every night watching TV and ignoring you.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2014
Tue, 07-08-2014 - 4:44pm

Thank you for the replies. i was surprised that both posts agree that i should leave. i feel ashamed that i have again made a mistake.

I  support my 24 year old son who has aspergers and mental health problems. He lives alone but gets into constant scapes and problems. I am exhausted dealing with all his issues too. he doesnt listen to me and has constant problems with his money, losing keys, bank cards etc etc. I seem to lack the energy to have to deal with my husband too. Also how will it affect him. Also i am constantly buying him food, paying his fuel etc i  will have less money to subsidise him. I know that he needs to learn but i cannot  let him go hungry or for his power to be cut off. I tell him to switch the fire off when it is hot but he doesnt and opens the windows - grr! He just doesnt learn and i dont think he ever will. He needs me to be there for him.

I know that i am depressed but lack any motivation to speak to my dr about it. i feel a failure as the meds that she gave me int he past havnt worked so i stopped taking them. I feel that i have let her down too.

I just dont know where to start.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 07-10-2014 - 2:03pm

Welcome to the board.  Sorry such discontent brings you here.

Well, remember that you don't have to file for D and move out tomorrow.   Sometimes once we have surrendered to the facts and let go of this person as a spouse, and just look at him as a roomate, our mood can improve and we can move forward more easily in what ever direction we decide.  I hope that makes sense. 

I got D for the second time at 36.  Yep, I said 36.  Yep, for the second time.  So I understand that feeling of failure.  But I am with the op, I would rather be in a studio apt. and happy then a big house and miserable.  

Start on YOU.  Once YOU feel better the decisions you need to make will come much easier.  I don't really like telling people they should get D, but I do know once you have clarity, if you do get D, you can do it with a clear conscious.

Hugs....

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-11-2014 - 2:59pm

I am surely not an expert on Asperger's but I know a bit about psych problems after being married to ExH.  I think the first job is to get yourself in order because you aren't much help to other people if you aren't doing well.  You do need to go back to the dr and talk about the depression--how long did you take the meds?  They don't even start to work until you take them a month (usually) and it's actually dangerout to just stop taking them.  But there are also different kinds--sometimes one won't work and then another one will.  My personal belief about psych treatment is that 1) you should just not go to a GP who gives you some anti-depressant and that's it.  I think it should really be a psychiatrist who prescribes the meds because they know a lot more about it.  2) you should have counseling to go with the meds to get to the root of the problems and give you strategies to deal with it.

I am also surprised that if your son has all these issues that he is capable of living alone.  My friend's brother (age 57) has bipolar disorder and I think their mom basically convinced him that he was much worse off than he actually is.  he used to work in a family business but he has been on Social Security disability for years.  He also lived w/ his mom and was very dependent on her--of course parents don't live forever and she died about 2 yrs ago--well since then, my friend has been working to get her brother more independent.  He got an apartment, he bought a car, etc.  She has to push him to get out of the house.  But there are organizations that will help him besides his doctors.  Like there is one group that helps him manage his money and pay his bills.  I don't know if there are social services in your town that could help your son.  Does he have a job or is he on disability?  I know that you want to help him out but there is a line between being helpful and not having him face any consequences of his possible irresponsibility.  But I don't know what he's capable of, of course.  If his mental health providers (who you should be in the loop with) feel that he is capable of managing his money, you aren't reallty helping him by bailing him out all the time.  Some day you will not be around and then what will he do if he never learned to manage himself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 2:22pm
I don't understand if he's like the way you explain..then how the heck did he manage to have gotten married 2 times and the 3rd to you?!! Meaning in order to have even gotten to that state..before he must have HAD to be sociable! You wouldn't have gone on any date with a guy who wasn't friendly at least...so what happened?When did he change?Let me guess..ONCE you guys got married..correct? You need to end this marriage..NOW you see WHY he's been married so many times..sorry but it's the truth.If he doesn't want to go to counseling...then there is nothing you can do.You've tried everything..good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 5:52pm

Quote:

You're never to old to make a new start for yourself. 


Ditto.

Good post saffire---((hugs)) and best wishes Lucylu!  You have a great future ahead of you!  Get a small apt or condo and enjoy your grandkids.